So, bit of background. As a child was probably a reasonably normal weight - definitely always a bit chubby but still within the realms of healthy. And then as a teenager with access to money etc began comfort eating in a big way - tubs of ice-cream, massive chocolate bars, tins of custard etc. And so by the time I was 15 or so I would have been a fair bit overweight (no scales so hard to say exactly what). But despite this I was happy enough with my appearance - I did wish I could be thinner but I understood that this was a bit of a trade off with being able to eat how I wanted.
Anyway, went off to university which was fine. And then during my first university summer holiday, it suddenly wasn’t fine. I wanted to be thin and small and to take up less space. So I began restricting- slowly at first but then it escalated so quickly. I was walking about 7 miles a day for a job and just not eating. And then, in situations where I couldn’t get away with not eating (family meals etc.), I would start vomiting afterwards.
My mum realised what was going on, took me to the doctor and things became superficially better. For the next few months, I was very very controlling about what I would eat but in an outwardly normal way, and so I was coping. Then I met a nice boy, and as a result of that relationship starting up I found myself able to relax about food.
This was all about six years ago. And so since then 95% of the time I’ve been completely fine about food - I love cooking and baking and eating and I know I’ve gained weight back but that’s not especially bothered me. Occasionally I have blips where I will want to restrict greatly - these generally don’t last for more than a week.
But then - towards the end of July I decided I needed to lose some weight (this is fair enough - I was quite overweight and had gained over lockdown etc) but since then things have escalated out of control. I bought some scales on August 13th and since then I have lost 2 stones 2 lbs.
I am so week and so tired and I am barely eating at all. I’m not eating more than say 300 calories a day at the moment. I threw up last Monday after eating some chickpea curry for dinner and feeling disgusted with myself but I do know I don't want to go back to throwing up all the time. I did go to the doctor on Friday and ultimately I’ve left feeling like how I am at the moment isn’t bad enough for any extra support and so I just need to try and deal with this by myself. My weight is firmly in the healthy BMI category (towards the top end) and I just want to keep going and going and so people take this seriously.
I am really quite hungry now but also I can’t eat as to do so would be giving up.
I am just so alone and so so scared.