Calling older people with restricted eating - I despair of ever getting better

[makemineacoldone]

Regular poster, I've name-changed for this.
I'm nearing 55.
Trying to work part-time (caring profession).
Also trying to study.
Also trying to do the family stuff.
Have lovely friends. Busy, apparently normal life.
But what I'm really doing, is constantly worrying about how much I've eaten, constantly trying to delay eating for as long as possible, walking up and down in my house to earn the food I eat.
I'm naturally very small, and BMI not 'officially' anorexic, so I look fine.
I'm not fine. I'm constantly hungry and scared.
I'm trying to reduce my steps at the moment by 1000. Rationally I know a 1000 steps doesn't burn that many calories. But I'm scared to do it.
Can anyone relate?
Has anyone lived this long with it and managed to get to a better place? Has anyone managed to slowly reduce exercise?

Hi OP
I relate totally to this - I had quite severe anorexia for a couple of years recently (am in my late forties).
It has taken some time to ease up but I feel like its getting there.
I put on some weight in lockdown and this has made me anxious but I am telling myself not to fret (am still a size 10).
If you cant manage to eat big meals can you try and eat good snacks every day?
Maybe try to hide your fitness tracker?
I find if I keep myself busy doing things with my kids then its harder to fixate on weight and exerecise (I also count my steps).

Thank you, trickyex. Those are good suggestions. It's just so hard to implement them.

Have you ever had professional support with this OP? Does anyone in real life know?