Teen daughter ultra restrictive eating, self harming and doesn't want periods

[Sibsmum]

My beautiful , creative, precious, funny caring sweet intelligent daughter has been struggling with food for three years now. She is super clever, beautiful and the light of our lives.
Camhs were useless, gave her more ideas about how to restrict what she eats and how to get away with it.
Where can we get help.
She hates her body, wants to stop having periods, scratches herself when she's frustrated. I just want her to be happy and healthy. It's destroying us all.
Help, please help

Is she in pain when she gets her periods? Why doesn’t she want them? Unfortunately understanding the root might be the only way to know the solution. Has she had just normal therapy (not specifically eating related)?

Hi Louise. She says no pain, she just hates neighbourhoods and that that means the possibility that she could have a baby and she doesn't want that. She had therapy relating to hercearing, but only a few sessions and then they just stopped and we couldn't get anyone to say why. It was shambolic, always saw someone different and all she came away with were a load of other avoidance strategies!

Period Power by Maisie Hill made me think v differently about periods and also has a chapter on food. Perhaps could make her think about her body in a different way. Only thing I can think of as I have no experience. Really hope things improve for her

Thank you for that suggestion bunpot. I will have a look , anything is worth considering, it's a 24/7 worry and impacting the whole family.
She says that for years people have told her she's far and she eventually believed them. She's 5ft and a size 6.
We are way out of our depth here

I would research and get her booked in for private residential care with daily therapy sessions. There are a couple of such places at least. I think there was one on a farm in Wales. If she does not get the help she needs she will struggle through her life.

Not sure how old she is but I know someone who just got into the adult anorexia MH system from Cambs and it's much better for her. It's not just about feeding them it's about treating their MH - often there's other MH issues at play.

Awful disease and there could be underlying conditions (well obviously). I always wonder if there's a reason they don't want to grow up (abuse?) but have seen that's definitely not always the case.

This was me as a teenager.

I was anorexic - I still get a bit of flare up in terms of my eating and a bit of body dysmorphia at flash points in stress, but I manage it well and it hasn't held me back and have got married and been pregnant and had babies despite not having had a period between 13 and 18. My bones have also recovered. So obviously you should be worried of course, but there is hope!!

I think that I was a bit different to your daughter in that it wasn't that I actively didn't want periods, but I didn't want to put on weight in the wrong places and feared being fat and I didn't want periods enough to stop what I was doing. It didn't make me happy to be in limbo but that was where I felt most comfortable - fear of change/the unknown - I suspect that I have autism in a mild, girl, form that makes change very difficult to process for me but is generally very well masked because I am bright and able to mimic others. What happened to me to cause this? Partly bullying and social anxiety at school that made me want to disappear and made me fear being fat and partly some very ill advised comments from parents that pushed me over the edge. Plus the fact that counting calories and restricting eating became a comforting pattern that helped me to cope with other stresses. Things got a lot better for me as I moved school and then to university and found my crowd a bit.

Is your DD a perfectionist? If she is traditionally academic and excels at school then the reality is that she has a lot of discipline and the ability to research and apply dieting tips out there, which can be harnessed in a very destructive way.

I can't tell you what to do to get a result quickly because I didn't crack it quickly myself and it was actually only when I wanted to sort myself out because I wanted to be able to exercise and feel well again and I wanted to mend my bones and my body that I did. I suspect proper counselling would help, but (as your experience already tells you) the right person is essential.

Things that helped:

1. A great female GP, who was happy to see me, weigh me periodically and then, once I had got to the bottom of the bmI scale for my height agreed that she would put me on birth control to give me a boost to restart my periods. It helped me to have a target and that I knew that I didn't have to get to a weight that was (in my eyes) "huge" before the GP would offer me that intervention to help restart things. Once I realised that actually I didn't actually have to put on masses of weight and just keep stuffing my face until periods returned at some uncertain point I felt like I had a bit more control over the process and I managed to get my weight up to the target. Have been off birth control in pill form for years without an issue since and in fact I now use my period as reassurance tool to know that I am a healthy weight for me. For me I really responded to the medical route - I wasn't stupid, I understood nutrition (too well in fact) and I wanted to be treated not like a stubborn teenager or a total nutcase (both of which I had experienced), but as a person with agency.

1. Knowing the bad news about my bones - this was a good motivator

1. Changing schools and getting out of the situation that was causing my anxiety and reducing my self worth

Things that didn't help:

1. Well meaning interventions from my parents and others, who treated me as if I was being obstinate and difficult at times. Of course I was and I understand now that from the outside what I was doing was extremely self centred and caused my family a lot of damage, but this reduced the feeling that I had a safe space at home (and I didn't have one at school). I felt that my parents saw me only through the lens of eating disorder because they were always watching me like a hawk to see what I ate and that anorexia was the only thing anyone saw in me - of course, it was obvious to anyone that I had an issue but I really wanted to fade into the background and I didn't like the attention that I got either for being underweight OR for putting weight on (you look well...! Etc), I just wanted people not to pay so much attention to my body and yet actually starving myself only made me an outlier and therefore more visible.

1. Suggestions that I might see family contacts for counselling

1. Not very subtle pushing of high calorie food by well meaning people as if, if I ate a piece of cake under duress I would magically suddenly think "yes, I love this, I will eat it all the time and no longer have issues"

1. Learning to cook for myself and cooking for friends. Basically, rediscovering food as a sense of social activity and pleasure - cooking for my husband is something that still keeps me on the straight and narrow today.

Very best of luck OP

Oh yes and also it helped to find other diversions from the anxiety that I was suffering - which for me was the cause, anorexia was the symptom - for me, yoga, running/swimming and cooking were key. Now I also listen to the radio to calm me.

Thank you for your suggestions. I have ordered the period book and have found a therapist, hopefully a good fit, but it's a start anyway.
Nicenames, yes she's very much a perfectionist and gifted across the academic and creative spectrum, but this is rarely a source of any sustained pleasure or achievement. When she got 9 grade 9 gcses and an A* , the focus was the two grade8's in English ( despite being dyslexic) because they were a 'fail' in her world.
I have wondered about her being on the Austistic spectrum too.
Very grateful to you for sharing your stories and sources of advice and help ( and not helpful scenarios too - we are trying to not do the unhelpful stuff, but it's hard)
I feel like you have given us a starting point,whereas last night we were drowning.
Thank you very very much and love and blessings to you all moving forward. XX

You are welcome. You sound like a brilliant and caring mum! Lots of luck to you all!

By the way, my post should have said that cooking was helpful rather than unhelpful - perils of writing late at night!

Hi nicenames, you're very kind. I try.
I worked out the cooking .. Dd does eat if she's enjoyed making something but it's a bit hit and miss. We keep trying.
Thank you x

Hi. Have you talked about the cause of the eating disorder/anxiety around getting periods?
I was anorexic as a teen and alot of it was to do with the fact I was sexually abused as a child. I didnt want to get boobs or be desired. I equated getting periods/boobs with men wanting me. I was scared and wanted to disappear.
I'm not saying this is the case with your dd and i am so sorry to bring it up. Just that it sounds as though you are very supportive and loving and maybe something has triggered this and perhaps if you got to the bottom of the reason it could help.
I really hope you're able to figure things out. Huge hugs.