After years of being okay(ish), I'm falling right back into the old pattern

[InsideOfEmptiness]

I'd originally posted this on the MH board, and it was suggested by a very kind poster that I post on this one, so here goes.

So I've been battling an eating disorder since my early 20s. Had some very, very rough times but just about struggled through it without requiring inpatient treatment, though I never got quite back to 'normal' (if there is such a thing with food). Never been able to eat at parties, or really in front of anyone but my closest friends and family.

Now I'm back down that pit. I've put on quite a bit of weight over the past few years due to a poorly managed underactive thyroid. It didn't bother me until recently. Until all of a sudden, it really, really did. Now I can't bring myself to eat in front of anyone, including my husband. I keep telling myself that I'll eat in an hour, or two, but it never happens. I could go on like that for hours every night, both craving whatever meal I'm supposed to be eating, then having panic attacks at the thought of actually eating it. So I end up eating fuck all. Today I had a tiny slice of bread.

I should really be having counselling again, but it's not available currently, and I can feel myself unravelling.

I don't know if I'm looking for someone to say 'this too shall pass', or to offer coping mechanisms. Or both. My head is scrambled.

Hello OP, I'm glad you came over here, but obviously so sorry that you find yourself in that dark place again.

I can't write much now, but I think the first thing that came to mind was whether your DH knows of your past and whether you feel able to open up to him?

Thank you so much. He knows. He was there for all of it. Tbh I often wonder why he sticks with such a broken wreck. I know he's always kept an eye on my eating, watching out for signs of me slipping again. We did have a good chat last night, and I told him how I was feeling. And that I know it's difficult for him, but that his immediate response to my struggling (which is to basically say, look, you have to eat), while understandable, is not too helpful. Because it stresses me out, which makes me not able to eat.

I've also had periods of binging and purging, which I really, really don't want to go back to. I have resisted that temptation for years. But it's very tempting at the moment.

I know I'm putting this huge emotional burden on him. I'm on medication for depression, anxiety, and OCD. And I can't talk to anyone else at the moment, because my family all have their own worries. And the few friends I have are also busy with their own stuff, small children, frontline workers etc. So the guilt of putting all this on him makes me feel terrible, which makes me not want to eat, and it's just this never ending circle of guilt, and pain, and anger.

And I'm sorry for the lengthy, self-indulgent post. I'm wallowing a bit at the moment, I think

I think this situation is a trigger for. Lot of people. Have you tried contacting Beat?

That's very true, Palavah. I'm sure the fear and anxiety and uncertainty are unfortunately very triggering for a lot of us.

I haven't tried contacting Beat but I definitely will, thank you.

Hi,

I’m not an ed sufferer but supported my daughter who has had a pretty tough time and was hospitalised etc. She’s been doing well for a couple of years now, has just finished her first year at uni and is home doing her exams. She’s struggling too, she’s was saying last night that a lot of ED people she knows are having a hard time - people still under services are not being seen so are going backwards, people who’ve been discharged are relapsing or seeing old behaviours and feelings resurfacing. She thinks it’s partly to do with everything in life being out of our control just now and many people who have ED issues seem to be highly intelligent but quite ‘controlled’ personalities.

She said that having a structure or plan to her day definitely helps, that getting up in the morning with no plans is just the worst thing, even if it’s just looking at the weather app before bed saying ‘in the morning I’m going to do some washing and do my anatomy revision, in the afternoon I’m going to go for a walk and FaceTime a friend, in the evening I’m going to put a hair mask on and a film’ - she said without a plan, the day just becomes about thinking about the next meal which brings with it a whole load of stuff that she doesn’t need to be dealing with right now. She talks to her boyfriend quite openly about it (he’s staying with us during lockdown and is a star) which she said helps a lot, but she also feels that on the days she’s low and talks to him about it she feels that he’s watching her and trying to feed her, which sets things off.