Hi I thought I would share my experiences with other likeminded folk. I have had a huge eating disorder for 35+ years and yes you did read it correctly 35. It all started in early childhood for me from around the age of five my father who was an abusive character both physically and mentally towards me and he did some appalling things. I was a picky kid around that age like lots of others it's not that unusual however my father would get so frustrated that I was beaten with his belt if I didn't clear my plate or if I so much as twizzled my fork around my food.
Mealtimes as you can imagine were hell on earth a frightened kid wishing it wasn't meal time again. I often vomited during meals and my father would simply force me to eat it back again including the vomit as he got his kicks smiling and I was in bits. He would also ensure that any left food would then be eaten at the next meal or the one after that and so on it continued. That was just one type of abuse that I had to endure.
I remember developing secret eating around the age of eight where I would take food that I wanted and would eat it in secret away from people. I remember stealing food from other people's homes when I visited school friends for example and would save it for a later time. This type of behavior continued throughout my childhood and I developed other psychological problems and behaviors as well.
Forward to my adult life now and these things don't just disappear by themselves. I married had kids etc etc but my wife noticed early on signs of my eating habits where she once caught me binge eating copious amounts of food in the garage and to say she was shocked!
I was naturally embarrassed defensive and walked out in utter shame. Later that day we spoke and I opened up to her for the first time about all my childhood and we both spent the whole night up and talking with my wife being so supportive and understanding.
She said I needed to talk to professionals and seek help with my severely damaged childhood that I agreed to do. However I did think that after unburdening myself to her that I had offloaded and I felt much better a problem shared. Things were a bit better for years after but still not cured I still had certain food related issues but I did my best to bury it and carry on and not really wanting to seek help as I saw it as a weakness and shame and embarrassment on myself.
My biggest fear when I met my amazing wife was that I would treat her as badly as I was and I was in fear that I would treat my kids the same with the food episodes that I endured. I shared these thoughts with my wife and she was supportive again saying that abused victims don't all go on to be abusers themselves and she was so right!
My kids are early and mid teens now and they have in the last couple of years noticed or caught me eating in strange unusual places on one particular occasion and they have laughed and mocked me in a kids way but they just don't understand why would they? I have no shame in speaking of my food habits like I said chronic binge eating in private, stealing all the leftovers from wife's and kids plates every time, or fighting with myself to throw their leftovers in the bin to then relent and go back later when I'm alone and retrieve it out from the bin to finish it off. Getting up at night to fridge raid very quietly and even steal the entire kids Easter egg collections yes I've done that I'm afraid.
Anyway in December last year I was finishing work when on my way home I dashed out to a nearby shop and spent over £22 on cakes, choc, crisps, pies and 2 burgers plus more things. This was not unusual I have done this 1000 times before. What was different however was the fact that this time when I finished gorging on the lot I sat on the floor and I cried inconsolably for ages and felt for the first time ever that I wanted real help. I rang my wife at work in tears and making no sense and told her I had had enough and needed therapy and she left work immediately to come and support me. We looked for therapies and counselors and everything we could find and I paid private to be seen very promptly.
My counseling has been top class and she has got to the root of my psychological issues along with other intense therapies I received. She said I had buried my emotional damage so far down that I was able to conceal a lot of it however I was a pressure cooker and I finally exploded with 35+ years of doing it in silent that's why I found help. I still voluntarily attend a walk in food addiction therapies class on a Monday evening Just like an AA class. I've lost 4 stone to date and still need to loose a further 2 stone to get to my ideal weight. I eat my food for the love of it now and don't throw it in my mouth by the bucketload because I'm psychologically scared that I didn't know where my next meal was coming from.
I'm now a year in remission this week and what a different man I am. I haven't felt the urge to pick something up and run of to hide and eat it. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. It's not a regret as such but what I do say to myself most days is why couldn't I have done this years before but hindsight is a wonderful thing!