I am really beginning to struggle. I am a 39 year old mum of 3, and began running 2 years ago. It seems to have triggered an old issue with eating and controlling my weight. I run because I love it. It gives me head space, it gives me my own identity again. I am a competitive perfectionist type character and I love following training plans and achieving my running goals. It’s become an obsession. I developed a stress fracture injury at the beginning of the year. As I am a slim person by nature, my weight was questioned and hormones checked. All ok. But it triggered something in me and since then I’ve struggled with a desire to lose more weight. I had already lost some through taking up running, but I began deliberately restricting my food and weighing myself many times a day. My bmi is now just over 17. I have now developed another injury - suspected bone injury in the same place - and professional are questioning my weight. I’ve lost a good half a stone since March.
My thoughts are dominated by my weight. By how I can avoid situations with food. How I can stay strong enough to not give in to bad foods. But when I look up eating disorders I don’t think I fit the criteria. I don’t weigh my food, I don’t have rituals, I just restrict so my portions are very small. And I run 40+ miles a week which I know burns lots of calories.
I don’t know what to do. Reading this I know it sounds like I have issues, but somehow I feel a fraud. I don’t feel ill enough or thin enough, or engrained in routines enough to warrant help.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I just need an outlet because I’m finding day to day life so hard. I feel so withdrawn and depressed and all I can think of is my weight and how to avoid gaining it.