My story - please read and help

[Biancadelrioisback]

Okay, so I never considered myself slim, I always thought I was on the bigger side of normal. When I was 17 I would binge and purge but that soon stopped when I moved for uni. I started drinking heavily, to the point where I would be sick. I actually liked being sick. It felt freeing.

A few years after uni, I began working in an industry where looks matter. I was still biggish (5'2" and 9 1/2 stone) and all my colleagues were so slim and beautiful. One of my friends took ephi and encouraged me to do the same. I started taking weight loss tablets I found online and ephi, drinking black coffee and anything I did eat, I would throw back up. I lost weight and got down to 7stone. Everyone commented on how slim and gorgeous I was, I was hitting the gym hard and this is when I met DH.

Slowly as our relationship developed, I stopped worrying about my weight. I changed jobs, stopped gyming as much, slowly got up to around 8 stone and not as toned.

After I had DS I had ballooned up to 12 stone and haven't been able to shake it since (nearly 3 years ago). I can't afford the gym now which doesn't help, I work in an office now so no running around at work anymore, and since August last year, I have been purging again. At least once a day, usually the biggest meal I eat. I obviously haven't lost any weight and remain fat.

I sort of had a realisation the other day, that I can't got on like this. It's so bad for my organs, some may ever start shutting down. My anxiety is through the roof and my moods are terrible.

I decided to stop and have had a whole week without purging once.
I feel so depressed though. I'm so, so down, tired, lethargic, moody, snappy etc.
I miss purging. I desperately want to lose weight. I don't know how at this stage... I hope it gets better, I hope I'm on the road to recovery. I'm terrified to tell anyone IRL, but it feels like if I tell you lot on here, it's almost like telling people...

Has anyone come out of this without needing to involve loved ones or professionals? How likely am I to go back to it?

Oh dear OP you sound like you're in a bad way. It also sounds like you never lost weight healthily- it all sounds quite punishing- maybe if you write down a plan that you get some exercise every day & build it up & just cut out a couple if things from your diet. That way you begin to take some control but don't have to go back to the purging. I think you are doing exceptionally well by the way to challenge your behaviours & it will get easier. Its basically exchanging unhealthy patterns with healthy ones - easier said than done & don't be scared of asking for help if you need it. There are eating disorder groups that meet monthly depending where you are that are anonymous (a bit like AA) that might help. I always think writing down an achievable plan helps - make it very small changes that you can do to start with.
Part of your fear with taking this forward might be that you are worried that losing weight etc will take over again but try to focus on health rather than weight - this might be a better way to see things.

Keep talking on here too if it helps OP.

Hi lovely I know how frustrating it must be for you.i always had weight issues (never bulimic)but always on a yo yo .when my DD (now 4)was born I was like a size 18/20 then after a year I went down to a size 10 then when she was 2 I went up to 14 !im now a 12 but u know what it is iv come to a calm I know how it is when u have a small child u already tired and u miss urself and want to be happy about urself at the same time!purging isn't the answer hun!the fact that u have reached out for help is the biggest step and u should be proud of that!first off u are a mum whether u are a size 30 or a 4 doesn't matter not everyone can be a mum so we are blessed!second stop stressing it makes it worse believe it ,enjoy ur life no matter what ur size because later when the kids grow up these days will be missed!
The first thing is go and get a blood test may be u have hormonal issues that is effecting ur weight .if all is good just start a healthy eating reach ur ideal goal in a year a two don't rush it and think oh iv diet for a week why aren't I loosing any weight then u binge eat and the cycle goes on !be consistent in reaching ur goals babe .u are not alone everyone has some kind of issue.start to meditate and self heal and u know what the hell with what people want to think!all of them people have screwed up lives and just don't say anything so start being greatful of what u have and who u are it will make a huge difference