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It's starting again and I don't know if I can stop it.
RLABC · 04/05/2019 07:23
I have a long history of anorexia followed (usually always) by bulimia. I end up at the lowest point then get help and I'm fine for years (averages at about 3-5 years).
I've been healthy for 4 years now.
I live abroad now and everything is good. I have family coming over to visit in 2 weeks time. In February I booked flights to go back to the UK for a short visit at the beginning of April and knowing that I'd eat more whilst there (too many lovely foods that I can't get here) and then only have a few weeks back here before family come and I'd be eating more again due to going out more I decided to just drop a few pounds in advance, to give myself room to eat what I want without ending up too big for the summer (if you see what I mean?).
Anyway, those few pounds turned into 17 in the space of just over 5 weeks.
I couldn't let myself eat as I normally would on my UK trip, just tried to stick to maintenance calories, and have been reducing my caloric intake drastically since I came home. I'm now down to 300-500 calories a day.
I know I don't look good (too many people in the UK told me so), my husband is worried about me and I know I'll get a massive bollocking from my family when they come.
I honestly don't want to get ill again but I just can't bring myself to eat more. Each day I try to reduce my calories even though I feel shit due to the lack of nourishment.
I have no one to talk to about this here and I can't talk to anyone in the UK because I don't want to worry them more. They've been through it with me every time in the past and I should be able to sort this for myself by now. I'm 50 ffs, I should know better! But, on the other hand, I really want to lose a few more pounds.
My BMI is 19 at the moment, ideally I'd like to get that down to 18.5, soon as possible. But I know that's stupid. But I WANT it too much.
I don't really know why I'm posting this, I just don't know what to do. That's a lie. I do know what to do, I just can't at the moment.
GinUnicorn · 01/09/2019 20:51
Can you take it bit by bit? In recovery I always had safe foods I could eat and just tried to increase them and giving myself the task of eating a chopped banana through the day and other small snacks. Nothing to trigger a full bloated feeling just enough to increase
DGV · 01/09/2019 21:21
@GinUnicorn, thanks for your post
I'm a bit of a vume eater - the most food I can get for my allocated calories - bananas are too costly (calorie wise and financially) here.
I like/need to feel full (at some point during the day), after that, I know I've eaten something so, that's enough, if you see what I mean?
I went foraging this morning for figs (it's coming to the end of the season so I'm trying to get them while I can) this morning. I got a good few, so they'll do me for the next few days.
DGV · 03/09/2019 06:01
Thank you @GinUnicorn 😊
Yesterday I went to the online appointment website just to check if there were any earlier appointments available and I managed to get one for September 16th so not too long now.
I'm really stressed out though because my weight has stayed the same for 5 days now, even though my calorie intake is so low. I know that it can be water weight but I'm so frustrated. Each morning that I get on the scale and it's not budged sets me up for a really bad day, emotionally. I'm hoping against hope that it will go down tomorrow.
CallMeOnMyCell · 03/09/2019 06:29
Have you ever told your parents that you find visits triggering because there’s pressure to eat more because you’re eating out more? My triggers are boredom and feeling out of control (in any situation but usually work). If you told your parents then perhaps there’d be less pressure to go out and eat/eat foods that make you feel full?
DGV · 03/09/2019 16:54
@CallMeOnMyCell I only get to see them 2 or 3 times a year because they make the effort to come here to see me. Eating together occasionally is part & parcel of spending time with each other. They know I've always been "fussy" about what I will and won't eat, also how many times a day I need/want to eat (they're strict 3 meals a day plus snacks people. I've never eaten like that) even when I'm eating normally. We have very different eating styles and food preferences so they don't pressure me. Only when I'm ill will they try to encourage/tempt me.
It's going to be really hard next week when my dad is here though because he'll see me 24/7 but, he'll also know I'm ill again and at least I'll be able to now tell him that I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist very soon after he arrives.
CallMeOnMyCell · 03/09/2019 20:53
You’re welcome, I have huge sympathy for you and wish you well. Anorexia a complex illness and so so difficult to beat. It’s great that you can talk to your dad and that you have an appointment with a physiatrist booked.
I find my eating disorder is easily triggered when I need to regain control and even after all these years (with long periods of being well) I still can’t override the negative thoughts and urge to control my weight.
NiceAnd · 04/09/2019 14:38
So sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with your ED. Might you consider online help - I mean proper help not Mumsnet help 😊. You can have video consultations with psychiatrists, psychologists or councillors (sp?). You wouldn't have to worry about the language barrier then either.
I presume you have had all the normal checks to see if anything else is wrong such as Thyroid, iron etc. Even if you can't make yourself eat ok maybe you would be ok to take supplements etc . Maybe you are already doing this though.
I feel so sad for you. It's a horrible situation to be in.
RLABC · 04/09/2019 17:30
@NiceAnd funnily enough I've tried to search for online support today. I had a webchat on BEAT and was pointed to their weekly forum group chats. I'm going to join in on their next session on Friday. There's lots of webpages offering support but you must pay. I just don't have the money for that.
I'm seeing an endocrinologist on Friday for a separate issue (my last CT scan showed a nodule on my thyroid so I need to get that checked out), I'll mention my problem then, maybe it'll speed things along?
StormTreader · 04/09/2019 17:58
See, I suspect that kind of language isn't helping - "goal weight" sounds so chirpy and like it's a positive life improvement to reach, but it isn't, is it?
"Each day I try to reduce my calories even though I feel shit due to the lack of nourishment. "
Is it that it feels like this is one thing in your control when other things aren't? You mentioned you were on cancer drugs, that's a HUGE loss of control over your life to have to go through that. Starving yourself to the point where you feel noticably bad isn't control, its indulging a craving to punish yourself to prove to your body that you are stronger than it is, but your body is YOU. Feeding any addiction to the point of disaster is bad, whether it's overeating or undereating or self-harming or alcoholism.
Doing what you know you should even though you don't want to is where the real control is.
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