Freaking out at weight gain

[TheOrigBrave]

Intellectually I know it's ok, but I am freaking out and my unhealthy behaviours are increasing.

I am away on business.

What is the real thing that is stressing you out, is it work? Lack of confidence, strange place?

That I am alone, away from my routines and distractions. That I have "failed" to eat normally. That I have "failed" to exercise less.

It's such a waste. I have a fancy hotel, time to myself (after work), no housework, DS (who I was anxious at leaving) is fine at home.

What do you need distracting from?
You can't fail at those things. Those apparent fears are symptoms, not the real fears.
Do you feel like you're going to fail at your job duties & that will be proof that you're pathetic?

What do you mean- you have gained weight and that is bothering you? Were you underweight to start with? By which I mean is weight gain considered a good thing but you don’t feel it?
Are the unhealthy behaviours worse because of the weight gain or in spite of it?

Can you separate your weight and eating from the other bits? So appreciate the downtime and headspace from home even if you aren’t eating well?

It’s a bit relentless isn’t it having an ED?

I am underweight. Not alarmingly so. I am meant to be gaining, but I am in denial that I need to.

The behaviours are both because and in spite of the gain.

@ragged I need to distract myself from the ED thoughts that consume me.

No, my job is fine. It's 8am here now so I'll be OK for the day now (well I can more easily distract myself). I want to swim or run later but the social side of being away means that it might not be possible w/o looking odd and drawing attention to myself. This I find very hard.

YES, it's relentless, that's exactly it. Lonely, shameful and relentless.

I used to go running early morning before conference day starts. Great way to discover new places, and doesn't take too much time out of the day. I work in an introvert industry, though, it helps that most of us like to be tucked up in our own space bed by 10pm. We don't overdo the networking.

If you did go for a run etc. the others would just be jealous that you have some self-discipline; that's a good kind of "odd" to be. What if you view the networking time as quality not quantity strategy?

Maybe this is just my experience of EDs, they are mask for something else.

I know what you mean about distracting yourself, but it would also help if you could see what the truly intolerable anxiety is. ime, ED arise b/c something else is even more uncomfortable, so the ED thoughts are safe & familiarly comforting. It sounds like underlying problem could be feeling insecure that you're not good enough to be there as a business person. Acknowledging the true too-difficult fear can sometimes take the power out of it. So often the fear is something small so you feel like an idiot to find that scary & difficult, but it is what it is. Facing up to seeing the real fear is the first step in finding a strategy so that the fear doesn't have to control you; the start of finding a way to live with uncomfortable feelings without diving into a seemingly safe obsession instead.

Thank you for your thoughts @ragged, though I think my situation is quite different to what you describe.

I am not meant to be exercising as much as I do as I am not fuelling my body well. However, running ticks ALL the boxes for me physically and (mainly) mentally. It has been discussed a lot with my MH people and they accept (even if they don't agree or support) that I've made an informed decision. My work is very informal (scientific academia) so it's fine for me to opt out of evenings out or to 'insist' that I want to do some exercise before we go out for the evening.

I don't want to draw attention to myself though. It's a battle - try and do the 'right' and 'normal' thing or stick to my safe (but unhealthy) behaviours and know I've 'failed' in even attempting to cope with the discomfort that would come from it. For sure, I've HAD to be somewhat flexible and I've seen that the world hasn't imploded.

I know exactly how my ED developed and that I use it as a way to control an aspect of my life when I can't control other things/thoughts. I am getting help. It's very hard when I'm away though -partly because there is a large gap in my therapy sessions and that I can only email my carers.

I know that dropping the weight will make me feel a sense of achievement and contentment, but I also know that these are incorrect.

Today was mostly OK actually. I worked very hard all day, then swam then went out to eat with my boss. I am very good at hiding my discomfort and he's a really nice guy and although I think he may have considered I have some worries, he would never say anything unless I became upset or something.

Writing it all out here has helped actually.

I know recovery from an ED can take a very long time. I'll get there.