lost the plot... in pain and scared... turned to food

[LittleMissedTheSunshine]

I've had a major relapse into my eating disorder (binge eating), as I've just started a new job which was causing me anxiety anyway, but I was just about coping.

Anyway one week in, all of a sudden and with no warning I've trapped a nerve in my shoulder very badly. I'm in terrible pain despite being on four different pain meds and having physio.

I'm unable to spend time preparing healthy foods and to be honest I have just turned back to my old comforts of junk food and sugar, things that are very easy to eat like toast, cereal, biscuits.

I'm also very worried. I'm in probation so get no company sick pay and I'm the main bread winner. I managed to get by working from home last week but I have to be working on site this week or questions will be asked as to my suitability for employment I'm sure. I'm on all these pain killing drugs which are making me dizzy and a bit drowsy, and I'm going to have to turn up bright eyed and bushy tailed to meet people and learn the new job. That's if I manage to turn up at all. I'm petrified they will sack me.

All this is , as any binge eater can imagine, making me turn to food in a big way. It IS a comfort, even if I know it's ultimately not worth it. But I don't want to put on weight and add that to my woes. Not sure if I have the energy to focus on my eating disorder now on top of everything else but then again I don't want to be out of control. I was doing so well, four months no relapses, but this has now set me off big time.

Really sorry to read this.
Totally feel for you, I am trying to get past an ED (anorexia) too and have had a relapse this week too.
Sounds like you are under a lot of stress which is often a big trigger.
DO you have a counsellor or a friend you can get support from?
Are there things you can do to put off a binge? Bath/paint nails/knitting/colouring in etc etc?
I have found some help from online / youtube recovery stories, this one is good
followtheintuition.com/blog/

Thanks... when I'm in physical pain it's like my brain is seeing food as a painkiller even though I know it's not really. I guess anything it sees as 'comfort' is seen as better than the pain. Illness is one of my main/major triggers.

It's just really bad timing with the job and I was in tears this morning thinking how am I going to make it through probation?

I'll try the other activities you suggest and look at the link. The medications I'm on are playing havoc with my appetite too so I'm not even sure if I'm feeling hungry, just want to nibble on junk.

Could you give yourself a rough meal plan for the next week so that way you could eat according to that and try to override hunger and binge cues?
Make sure you have plenty of protein and fibre to keep you full and your blood sugar levels even. Eggs and oat bran are good foods for this and quite comforting.
I have had a few binges after heavy restricting and I understand the horrible feeling though I didnt have bulimia so am not so well versed.
Do look at Beat website too for support.
Getting enough sleep is also key as too little and your hunger hormones are all over the place.

Also check out ABC, they offer a befriending system for adults, the people who run it are lovely and super helpful/supportive
www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk

I think the one thing I notice in your posts is thr language. You blame your brain, but the key point is it's your brain and you are in control of your brain and it's thoughts.

As such, you know you can do this, four months is fantastic. And you've s new job, congratulations.

So what you fell off thr wagon. Just cli,n straight back on. You know you can do it. You've proven that to youtself. For thr last four months!

good point bluntness (good name too!) yes it is my brain I suppose what I am trying to say is, I know logically that it won't make things better but that primal part of me is telling me it will. But you're right, its MY brain and I'm the one in charge. I guess I have been feeling sorry for myself and probably with good cause, but I have to stop wallowing at some point and get on with things. Shit happens, now and then. This is one of those times so just need to deal with it.