Low heart rate & losing control

[glitteringfishy]

Gah. Name changed for this. Struggling to write this in this forum but I think I'm starting to realise an eating disorder is what I have and that's it's getting out of control.

I've lost a significant amount of weight since December. I was a stone overweight post-baby and I lost that and then three more, I'm now just about on the edge of slipping into underweight, and I don't want to stop.

I went to the GP last week because of chest pain (I think it's actually my ribs) and when she took my blood pressure it was low and she said my heart rate was slow. I didn't admit my eating behaviours, I just mumbled something about irregular meals due to being busy with a toddler. She was a locum so doesn't know me. I don't know if she suspected something but she didn't say if she did. I have blood tests booked for next week but I don't want to go because I don't want to be 'found out' if that makes sense. I know realistically I need to go and that these physical signs are not good.

I am in therapy privately at the moment. My therapist knows what's going on. She asked this week where I think this is going and if I think I will end up unable to care for my toddler and I couldn't say no for sure. She wanted to help me gauge how in control I feel of this. I'm surprised to find that I'm not in control, as I thought what I was doing was helping me stay in control. I guess I'm a little scared. I know I need help but a big part of me doesn't want help. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to be a terrible mother.

[thatcoldfeeling]

Please do get help rather than hide it. I did the whole trying to hide it thing about 10 years ago and as a result have just had about 10 years of suffering and am only just getting help. Let them take your bloods, let them help.

[Caulk]

Engage with your therapist about it. I wish I had sooner rather than denying it. Work out what it’s about and deal with that.

[glitteringfishy]

Thanks both of you for replying. It helped me realise it's better to get help sooner rather than later.

I went back to the GP this week and was honest about everything and she's referred me to the ED unit, although she's not entirely sure I'll meet their funding criteria. I assume because my BMI is 19.1 so still technically 'healthy'. Blood tests this morning.

My therapist told me yesterday she is really concerned and has discussed me with her supervisor. She doesn't feel able to deal with this alone if I don't have medical support. She said if it gets much worse it could become unethical to continue working with me, something to do with brain function, thought processes and lack of nutrients. She's concerned the stuff that's coming up in therapy could partly be why I'm using this way of coping. There's obviously other factors but I agree, it's intense. Feeling a bit lost and confused as to
how I've managed to make such a mess of everything.

[thatcoldfeeling]

You haven't made a mess of anything, you are dealing with difficult stuff and the support you were getting hadn't accounted for ED behaviours. Hopefully now they will be able to take a more joined up approach.

I have also been told something similar ref therapy and certain behaviours but for me I am yet to start and am not 'allowed' to until I am 'safe'. So I think part of what your therapist means is that if therapy is causing your ED behaviours then they need to be brought under control, and you need healthy coping strategies before (or alongside) therapy.