Anyone want to help me unfuck my thought processes for a bit?

[BamburyFuriou3]

So having an anorexia relapse after being totally recovered for 10ish years. And I mean totally. Had a BMI of 24-25 mostly, fit, healthy, active.
Currently BMI 19 which is not underweight I know, but undressed I looks shit. Can see all my ribs at the front and side and back. Hips stick out and slightly concave on the sides. But worse is the lethargy and COLD.

Anyway, I'm really struggling with people telling me how great I look now I've lost weight. Ok I was a bit Chubby, but I'd not long had a baby and tend towards stocky and have a round face. Takes A LOT for me to have cheekbones .
How can people say I look great?! I'm currently wearing tights and thick trousers and socks and boots, and vest, and top and jumper and fleece.... and a coat/hat/gloves go on top.
So people see the layers I think. I'm never warm enough to take the jumper off - so they see me wearing 3 layers minimum.

And the other thing I'm struggling with is eating more. I currently eat about 1900-2000 calories, but I'm breastfeeding and always on my feet with school /preschool / park runs etc. I've eaten some chocolate and had a beer tonight so possibly actually eaten s bit more than I've burned up - and I'm planning on running it off tomorrow and restricting - despite knowing I need to put some on!

I'm s fucking idiot :(

I’m probably not the best person to give advice as i’m in totally the same boat. BMI is 18 so not underweight. I think I look great in clothes but can admit I look shit naked. I’m like a big bag of saggy skin. Have started exercising again to try and tone up but that kind of means I have to eat more which i’m Struggling with. The coldness - I hear you! It’s got slightly better lately but I’m not sure if that’s because I’m getting better at wearing more layers, have the heating on more or i’m Actually warmer. Sorry I can’t help much - happy to hand hold until someone else comes along xxx

Oh and you’e absolutely not a fucking idiot

Had a bit of a scare today. Weighed myself and I'm now one pound off underweight, and my breasts are basically empty flaps of skin - the boy is complaining there's not much milk so I really really need to eat more!
But can I? Nope..... :(

You wrote a really inspiring thread a few weeks ago.
Go back to it and remember how great you were feeling at the time.

Thanks. I did just that. And today I've done much better and even skipped my run :) just got to keep on keeping on...

I just want to say firstly; well done for recognising there is a problem and choosing to fix it. I have had a very close friend with anorexia (more like a little sister actually) and so I know how unbelievably hard it is to get past the mental block to eating.

Secondly, I'd just say that I also know how hard it can be to add calories. In the last year my DH has had treatment for throat cancer and eating is still hard work for him. He needs to maintain his weight and eating 2,200 calories a day can be really hard - especially if you don't want to fill up on sugar.

A few suggestions of high calorie meals we have come up with:

• poached egg and avocado on brioche toast (2 slices of the toast with butter, 1 mashed avocado and 2 large poached eggs) - approx 850cals.
• omelette made with 4 large eggs, lots of butter, cheese and a splash of cream - approx 800cals.
• mac n cheese - one of the highest calorie meals around. If you can manage to add some garlic bread, or even just breadsticks you can make a small portion close to 1000 calories easily.
• large caramel latte from Starbucks or the like - about 300 calories.
• little individual desserts along the lines of GU - these tend to range between 300-500 calories each and they are tiny. Sainsburys lemon posset is over 300 cals and it's honestly about 5 spoonfuls. The best ones we've found are the Pots & Co ones - the chocolate fudge one is 490 cals!

Thanks rylan I appreciate the sentiment. Unfortunately it's the high calorie foods I have most issue with - not bulk! I've eaten a huge bowl of salad with a boiled egg and mustard right now. Then realised I needed calories so steeled myself for an oatcake with peanut butter. That small bit of peanut butter was really really hard..

Can offer nothing but admiration for you for keeping on fighting for your health, even when your brain is feeding you fake news. Can you just take it one day at a time and celebrate every little victory?

Weighed myself today again and seem to be dropping weight fast despite keeping the calories up to 1900-2000. Now BMI is below 18 so underweight.

But I've been exercising more and ds has been feeding LOADS (suspect he's coming down with something as he's off solids and all clingy).

So... Drumroll please... Today, not only did I manage to eat 2 of the chocolate celebrations left over from Christmas today (even if they were just Bounty's which noone likes - hence being still left over), but I managed to eat a large spoon of Nutella on toast. And I mean LARGE . (bloody love Nutella ).

So I reckon my calories must be over 2200 today. And I didn't go for a run to burn it off.

Hey Bambury, just typed out a really bloody long response and lost it . Anyway, it sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff. It must be hard though eating that amount of calories? How do you reconcile it in your head? Is it as simple as well I have to or i’ll Have no milk to breastfeed my son? I’m really struggling at the moment. Bmi is now 17 and my consultant wants to refer me to an eating disorder specialist. I’m gutted - absolutely gutted but also incredibly triggered. I’m not thin enough this time to see a specialist so I must lose more so I am. It’s fucked up. I’m a sensible woman - I know I look awful naked but the twisted part of me likes that. Anyway don’t want to derail your thread talking about me when this is about you. I hope things are still going in the right direction for you xx

F

Hey @BamburyFuriou3, sorry things have been so tough. Have been hanging out on this board as have some similar issues. Can I suggest you speak to your GP? I wonder if your thyroid needs checking. The weight loss and cold could be symptomatic, and pregnancy can mess with your thyroid. Plus, once you are there it would be amazing if you could confide in your GP about your past with anorexia and your current difficulties with food, they might be able to help. As you know it’s much better to catch this sort of thing early on...

Finally I wanted to say you are really brave for recognising there is a problem and trying to address it. And breastfeeding through all this, too - You are a great mum!!! Keep going x