struggling and confused - would love and appreciate support

[hoping4happiness]

I have had anorexia for a long time, dating back to 12 years old, with it getting serious when I was 16. I have had multiple hospital admissions, still trying to juggle normal life between them. I recently, 2 months ago came out of inpatient care after a 5 month stay. I self discharged as I didn't agree with their target weight. I do have support now outside the hospital and I know I am lucky to have that. I desperately want to start a new relationship with someone, but the anorexia and my depression constantly gets in the way. Right now, since leaving hospital, doctors are worried that my weight is going down every week. Not drastic amounts, but around half a kilo a week. My anorexic head telling me to carry on with this amazing weightloss and I'm going to withstand any future admission and just refuse it and still carry on living a normal life even if i have a very low BMI. I used to be very suicidal and have had attempts but recently luckily, those intense thoughts have subsided. Now I'm just left with depressive thoughts relating to me wanting to lower my BMI. I know there is no magic answer, and I'm constantly told 'I know the right path to choose' and to 'fight the thoughts despite them'. But right now this is impossible! I have a weigh in on Tuesday and I'm embarrassed to say that I hope it's gone down. I know none of you probably would know what to say, but anyway just a rant and hoping for some loving support. Thank you in advance to all you wonderful mums x

I think that you will know that the choice of whether to "withstand any future admission" will be taken out of your hands if you are currently seeing doctors and your weight does drop to "a very low BMI" as you wish ... they will be required to take action and will section you (for a minimum of 6 months probably, sometimes more, to forcefeed you and increase your weight) and you will not be able to prevent them doing this.

You will have to consider this reality ... as realistically there will not be a choice of "carrying on living a normal life even if I have a very low BMI" because you will be in hospital longterm ... whilst your family/friends try their best to live a "normal life" without you many months.

I hope my support to clarify your confused thinking helps. It is a hard battle ... but there is always hope when we try ...

thanks minimoan. I know, my thinking is very distorted often and I believe that my body can function even if dangerously underweight. I might be wrong but I have been told of a possible Bmi that is 'sectionable' and if you stay above this bmi, then you are safe, so of course my disorted and unwell thinking tells me to stay and hover just above that point to stay safe.

It's all a bloody mess this anorexia!! It controls me and I'm so sad that it does and how much it consumes me. I do look around me and see my family and friends progressing in life with kids and jobs etc and whilst I do also, my main 'relationship' is with anorexia. Sorry for my venting

I have heard that too ... but also seen this disproved in more than one case with people I know ... so now know that it is just a myth! This is because the NICE guidelines for adults with AN (guidelines that the MH professionals have to use to decide treatment) changed last year. It is now about physical 'state not weight', and a person's BMI is no longer a major consideration, as far more emphasis is placed on consistent, ongoing weight loss over a period of time, poor blood results, poor mental state (especially self harm/depressive/suicidual thoughts), abnormal ECG (heart trace) ... for example.

I tell you this as others I know thought the same as you, and thought they were 'safe' (due to BMI), and were very, very shocked when they found themselves suddenly placed in hospital ... this is particularly a high risk if you have regular contact with health professionals who are watching you/monitoring your 'state' and weight loss.

Just thought I would warn you, as your thought processes re. "safe BMI", are totally incorrect now the the NICE guidelines have changed, and from what you have written above about being closely monitored, it is highly likely that you will end up back in hospital at a significantly higher BMI than you personally may feel is "safe".

You have to consider whether an admission to hospital in the near future is what you want (and this will happen if you continue losing weight) ... or whether you want to stay in the community (and therefore you will need to stabilise your weight). At the end of the day, it's your choice about what you do (or don't do) re. your AN, and the medical professionals will watch and monitor you, and take action (without your consent if necessary), as they see fit. You really need to discuss your current thoughts with your medical team, as the only way of staying out of hospital is to work alongside them.

I wish you well.