I'm so ashamed and I don't know what to do

[Pandoraphile]

I've starting making myself vomit. It's on purpose after I've eaten a meal because I panic and can't bear the thought of the calories.

Backstory: I have bipolar disorder and I'm medicated. I have emetophobia, used to be about me but now not me but others. Literally petrifies me. Like I can't care for my dc when they're ill and I once tried to get out of the car on a motorway because my brother was going to be sick.

So when I vomit I feel like it's a challenge and I've achieved something. I'm overweight at the moment and desperately trying to lose it hence my panic at calories. Diet is sensible, etc.

Vomiting is addictive. It's getting worse and worse and I don't know what to do. I don't class myself as having an eating disorder because I don't do it every day. I have a partner but he works away in a stressful job and frankly I don't want to expose this weak part of myself. I've always had low self esteem (my mother).

I feel like I need help but I don't know where to turn. I can still smell sick on my hand even after washing thoroughly but I don't mind it because it's a reminder of what I achieved.
I'm guessing this is very wrong?

I'm sorry but I think you do have an eating disorder, OP. The label isn't important, though. The important thing is for you to get support. I suggest you call the BEAT helpline and/or see your GP.
www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/do-i-have-an-eating-disorder

Don't let it spiral. It's so hard to break the cycle once it sets in. I'm 20 years in.

Thank you Emma - I will definitely look into those tomorrow. I don't want to see my GP because it's not that bad. Other people will be way worse than me.

I'm trying my hardest to not let it spiral. That's all I can say, really. I don't know what to do. Oh and partner is a GP so I'm VERY reluctant to involve him as he gets enough of this shit at work. Plus he already knows that it's going on and he never says anything.

Can I just say I did this for years it was awful.

My teeth are falling apart my gag reflux is fked.

Like when I'm ill or had a lot to drink or have food positing etc I cannot physically be sick unless I put my fingers down my throat. It's like it's broke.

Please don't do this it's my biggest regret. I could choke on my own sick if I became ill. It messes your body up so much.

It used to comfort me to be sick however I ended up larger as you do not throw it all up and it begins to absorb the nutrients and calls straight away.

I used to always get like burst blood in my face and eyes from being sick so hard. I looked like shit. 😔

You have a severe eating disorder. You may lose some weight, but you will definitely lose your teeth. You are rinsing then with your stomach acids each time you throw up, which will destroy the enamel. Then your teeth will rot and turn black, your breathe will smell foul........

Stop and get help. Or continue and be toothless with a sunken face - your choice.

You are purposefully making yourself sick to avoid taking in the calories of what you've eaten. That's an eating disorder. Please see your GP. That other people are worse doesn't mean you don't deserve help. There's always going to be someone worse than you whatever you have, but on the basis someone with a broken leg shouldn't get it sorted out because there's sure to be someone else with both legs broken that needs medical help more than they do. Before the pattern becomes entrenched and harder to treat, now is the best time to tell your GP about it. So please go OP. You deserve help as much as anyone else .

Yes do talk to someone about this. You deserve help with this, everyone does, and you have done so well to post here as a start.

I am sure your partner became a GP to help people so don't worry about him. Perhaps is is unsure of how to help you - sometimes it is much easier to help strangers. I am sure there will be a charity that can support you through a helpline as well as your GP.

You aren't weak; this is just one way that your mind has come to express your difficulties and finding the right person to talk to and support you could make a real positive difference to how you deal with your feelings and struggles in the future. It isn't always easy, but things can change for the better.

Thank you so much for the replies, they have hit home.

No - I don't want to lose my teeth. And no, ultimately I don't want this horrible habit to impact badly on my body.

The trouble is, I don't want to stop. I've struggled with my weight for so long (medicine has meant I've gained a lot of weight), I've hated my body for so long and I'm desperate not to go back to my biggest.

But FFS - I'm 35!! I have a 15 year old dd! If she was doing this I'd tell her to think of the consequences, help her work out why her negative feelings towards her body are so violent and tell her that there are safe and sensible ways to lose weight.

So why can I not apply that to myself????

Ok, can you try to be your own caring ‘parent’ here and seek the help and support you would want your DD to have were she doing the same? I completely understand your struggle with weight and that you maybe feel out of control if some of the gain is related to medication. Vomiting will give you some control but comes at a horrible price as you know. I have put on weight due to not being able to exercise after injuries associated with a genetic condition . It’s so bloody frustrating to get some level of fitness and get into better shape, only for a tendon to tear and be unable to do much and see that fitness gradually get less. But health both mental and physical is too important to vomit food up. It’s just going to add to any health problems.

Maybe don’t ask yourself why you don’t want to stop but just ring the GP and imagine you are ringing to get help for your DD. You deserve the same help you would naturally want for her. You can lose weight but without taking a huge toll on your body and mind.

Thank you hotel. Wise words.

Tough, emotional evening and despite best intentions I couldn't help myself. I just wanted to vomit. I managed to keep it to only twice and not 20 straight mins like last night. I can't tell my partner (other issues going on) and I'd feel ridiculous going to my GP. And I'm worried about SS involvement if I confessed to this as well as BPD. I'm just a mess.

Absolutely no reason to feel ridiculous telling your GP. It’s a totally valid thing to ask for help with. You are NOT a mess. You are struggling with something many people also struggle with. It doesn’t define you And nor does having BPD. I’m no expert but don’t think SS would be involved in this. Please make an appointment. There’s no need to feel ridiculous for doing so. One of the hardest things about an ED is feeling alone and like no one else does this. It might bring a sense if relief if you talk to your GP about it. It shouldn’t be anything you have to suffer unsupported. You can do this. I can really empathise with how hard it is to take that first step though.

Its addictive, but you can stop. I stopped x

Please seek medical advice before it does get worse. You are worthy of help

You're already dealing with a lot so don't try and cope with this alone, get help, from BEAT or your GP. Admitting to someone else that you have this problem is the best way to confront and overcome it.
I took laxatives for more than ten years, from my late teens, and I, too, kidded myself that I didn't have a serious disorder because I didn't binge or actually pass out on the street. I was also, like you, ashamed of my dirty secret.
I desperately wanted to stop and in the end forced myself to do so by talking to my GP, who referred me to a therapist. By the time the appointments came through, I''d already ditched the laxatives but I really needed that inducement.
Long term, bulimia has the potential to ruin your teeth, your gullet and your electrolyte balance, which can cause heart problems and issues such as fluid retention.
Don't hate yourself for struggling with this. Just remember that plenty of other people have the same issue - and that it's possible to recover.

I did this for 20 years. Also fucked up teeth and glands, and I don’t throw up when I’m ill unless I make myself.

I wish I had stopped when it was just an occasional thing. Instead I was doing it up to 10 times a day. Regardless of all of that, I didn’t lose weight through doing it. I would kid myself I was, but I really wasn’t.

It’s also made my heart less strong, affected the pressure in my eyes and cost me friendships.

I'll have this for the rest of my life and it's the biggest regret I have in ever starting. It was about control but I lost control very very quickly. I trained myself to avoid my teeth because I was vain and had read that I could damage my teeth. Well I've got great teeth but my heart is fucked.
I'm also sick too easily now, if I bend down to get something I will probably also be sick.
Try to get a handle on this and tackle the root cause before it grips you fully.

Thank you so much everyone. And I'm sorry to hear others struggle. It's just awful. This thread is invaluable in dragging me the right way. I will make a GP appt. I will. I just don't know when.

It’s a tough habit to break, even if I sometimes manage to eat fairly normally for a few weeks at a time I quickly slip back into it to cope with stressful situations. So, yeah have lost one tooth and made the others transparent and raggedy edged. Also have osteopenia and a few other problems. I started doing it about 20 years ago after 2nd bout of anorexia when I wanted to get well but couldn’t cope with feeling full.

Hi there OP,

We're just going to move this over to our eating disorders topic for you.

Hope that's okay.