10yo daughter is compulsive overeater

[WorriedMumofMany]

I've changed my username to protect my daughter.

Daughter is middle of three children, with an older brother and younger sister. We're a well built family, DH & I are both on the chunkier side of average, the kids were all chubby toddlers but have grown into fit and active kids.

DD is 10 and has been steadily gaining weight over the last two years, to the point now where buying clothes which fit her is almost impossible. I've started buying petite adult clothes for her, but that's not going to be possible with sorting out her new school uniform after the Summer.

I'm so cautious of how to approach this with her, but I think she has an eating disorder. She helps herself to food in the kitchen outside of mealtimes (she gets healthy portions), she stores change and uses it to buy biscuits and sweets which she hides from us. I can almost guarantee at Christmas, Easter and Halloween that if I don't hide her sweets, she will consume so much that she vomits.

I don't want to say or do anything which gives her a complex, but today DH found an empty tub of chocolate cake decorations (vermicelli and the like) which she's taken from the kitchen and eaten.

Can anyone give me any advice? I don't know what to do.

You really have to overhaul your shopping habits. I had similar a few years ago but not to quite the same extreme.

We completely stopped buying ANY processed foods. So no biscuits, no snack packs of things like cheese or crackers...no cereal other than plain oats.

We didn't buy juice or cakes or sweets or anything "nice"

All we got was meal foods...meat, fish and veg. Plus apples, oranges and bananas.

We did buy bread and cheese for packed lunches...which meant a sandwich and three pieces of fruit.

It's tough...but you must act now.

See part of me thinks Mrs's suggestion sounds sensible, but then you also hear so much about how no foods should be off limits, and 'forbidden' foods create desire and disordered eating. There is so much conflicting advice out there.

I'm about to start reading Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, maybe check it out but I'm sure you want something you can put into place now without having to read first.

Sorry no advice really, I was like your DD!

Me too, wish I could say what would have worked for me but I'm still trying to work it out. Luckily I have a DS who would eat sweets till they came out of his ears but is very active and a dd who so far seems to have a working off switch. It is so hard :(

I think something that might have worked for me was clear messages about what was normal, what is reasonable. Seconds of dinner is fine but thirds is greedy. A few pieces of chocolate is fine but eating the lot isn't something you should be doing. You don't have to keep eating until you feel sick, nothing bad will happen if you don't.

Regular and reinforced

I should have said....as my shopping does sound a bit puritan...we do and did have the odd batch of homemade muffins and sometimes, chips from the chippy as a treat.

I didn't forbid chocolate and crisps entitely but they certainly were not and are not part of our weekly shop.

We might get a large bar now and then...and share it. Once I would have eaten the whole bar on my own.

That's a tricky one. Good that you are considering it carefully. I have no real advice about diet sorry.

Just noticed plus fit uniforms in marks which might be helpful. Also in Next too I think.

It does sound more than her liking food and you needing to keep snacks out of the house from what you've said.

I wonder if it would be worthwhile calling B-eat, the eating disorder charity. Have a website that might be helpful to you.

b-eat.co.uk

Best of luck.

It's 'funny' because I have no problem setting limits for DS, but am atotal hypocrite when it comes to my own eating!

The thing to remember is that it's most often not really about the food. It could be for comfort or pleasure, to reduce anxiety, depression, loneliness or any range of emotions - even excitement. Is there anything going on in her world that could be causing distress or even mild discomfort?
Especially for kids who may not have the communication skills to verbalise what they're going through or even to understand in the first place.

If it is disordered eating then I would say it's really important not to make it about the food or restriction. Try not to control what she eats but sending the message that food is to be enjoyed, experimented with, gives us fuel and all the great things about it.

It could be helpful to approach it from an truly open, understanding position as much as possible, offer unconditional love and support even if you don't really know whats going on or might go against your own beliefs and negative thoughts about weight. Really resist the urge to make any comments about weight or what she should be eating. Kids are like sponges and will store those comments and ruminate on them until they're adults!!
Is there a way you can direct her to activities that are either creative or physical? If she could take up a sport, instrument, art or something that would help her to be active, part of a group or even just let some steam off?
Good luck!

I agree with mint of it is as bad as you describe them it isn't about the good at all. She is experiencing something she can't quite process and so you need to help her work it out.

Over eating is a comfort that children indulge in when they feel lonely, scared and upset. Is your DD being bullied at school about her weight? If so it's common to see children eating more to feel happy and getting stuck in this horrid cycle.

Stop giving her any money, pocket money etc as it'll go on sweets and junk food on the way to school. Get rid of all the fatty foods in the house, treat it as if you're going on a diet yourself. Maybe get you and your partner to join weight watchers? there you could learn all about cooking healthy meals in the home and shift a few pounds between yous. This would take the pressure and focus off your daughter and have a softer reason for emptying the cupboards.

Best of luck!

I actually don't think the issue here is the type of food she's eating, I think it's the fact that she's eating it in secret.

As someone with some ED experience I think the first thing to tackle is to try and get her to stop eating in secret. I don't think any foods should be completely banned or removed from the house but the important thing is to ensure that outside of school hours you get to see and witness all of the food she eats, as it sounds as though she is going down the dangerous route of thinking that food is a source of shame and something to be concealed from others. The minute she gives food that power over her so begins the unhealthy relationship with food and it becomes "the enemy". Food should be something she enjoys but she needs to understand that food is not something to feel guilty about or to hide - we all crave the things we think we can't have and by feeling that she needs to eat in secret she is likely to crave it more and overindulge. Do you sit down together to eat breakfast and dinner or is there an element of separate meals/eating in different rooms? Do you ever or your DH snack from the fridge and graze between meals? If so she may think it is normal to be hungry between meals and to help herself. Activities such as cooking together, fruit picking/learning where food comes from etc all helps to make food more of a normal every day thing and less of a "guilty secret" to be concealed but it also helps to make mealtimes themselves more of an event with everyone sat around the table and helping to cook/clear away and discouraging grazing randomly between meals unless it is something the whole family is offered.For example if you have a biscuit with your cup of tea invite her to have a biscuit and squash at the same time so she knows it's absolutely fine to have a biscuit but she should eat it in the room with you. If it's possible could you try to make sure cooking and eating are always family activities done together in public and everyone sits down at the table and eats the same thing, both good and bad foods?

I wouldn't ban any foods but could you try keeping all unhealthy food out of arms reach in high cupboards(just say you have rearranged the kitchen and cleared some cupboards) so when she wants something she has to ask for it and if anything goes missing I think you should address it with her but say that you're worried she is taking things without asking simply because food costs money and you are trying to keep track of the household budget and you would like it if instead of taking food she ate with you at dinner time instead and told you if there is a specific reason why her dinner isn't filling her up?