Post pregnancy and bulimia. Need some help please

[Desperatenottoreturn]

Have nc.

I have been bulimic for 8 years and pregnancy was great for me, although I had a few slip ups I was mostly b/p free and for the first time in my adult life felt I had a normal relationship with food.

I am now 2 months postnatal and can feel the old habits slipping back. I am writing this now having had an episode, and this is the second this week, and there was one last week as well. It's nothing like the 3+ times a day I had pre pregnancy but I know from previous experience what a slippery slope it is.

I hate myself for it, and I am desperate not to do it anymore. I hate the person that bulimia turned me into - deceptive and selfish, desperate to be alone so I could stuff my face and then the lengths I went to to purge. It's disgusting and I am so ashamed.

My family mostly know about it in the past and my DH has been very supportive but I just cannot tell him that I can feel the old thoughts coming back as I really think it would crush him.

I'm not sure I could go to the doctors as I'm not sure they would do much especially as it is not a problem yet. ( the first time I went the dr was like 'oh well you know most people have this problem for a least 5 years your just going to have to deal with it' not very helpful at all!) I have been on Prozac before which did nothing and CBT and counceling which just seemed to make me much worse.

I really really really don't want to be that person anymore but it is just such a strong addiction.

I don't really know what to do and I'm not sure why I'm even writing this on here. I guess I would like someone to come up with a magic cure but I know this doesn't exist!

Please if anyone does have any advice then I'd love to here it
Thanks

I'm sorry you're struggling. I do honestly think counselling or psychotherapy are the only way to solve the ununderlying issues.

It may take a while to find the right person for you, however.

Otherwise read as much as you can on the psychological mechanosms at play. If you understand why you have the urge to b/p, you should hopefully find it easier to recognise and overcome it.

You should probably tell your husband. I think he would feel bad that you've been struggling alone and didn't feel you could talk to him. And the extra support may be what makes the difference thos time in resisting the urge and beating your Ed!

It never occurred to me to research why I do it, that makes a lot do sense so thank you for that.

From a psychological point of view I'm honestly the happiest I've been in a very long time. I love being a mother and am really enjoying the journey it is taking me on and I'm definitely not depressed. I obviously want to loose the baby weight and deep down I know that b/p is definitely not the answer. I never thought that it could be more physiological.

I don't enjoy doing it, I don't particularly like or enjoy the food I eat when I binge, I hate the fact that I don't taste and enjoy it but just stuff it in as fast as I can. I hate the feeling of being stuffed, I hate the taste and smell when I purge and what it has done to my teeth. I hate the wastage and the money it costs... So why the fuck do I keep on going back to it?

I think I have this deep fear of being hungry and I'm not sure where it has come from. I have tried to tell myself it is ok to be hungry but it seems that instead of eating food when I'm hungry like normal people I seem to keep on going back to massive b/p episodes instead. I tried the 5:2 to address some of these fears but it just seemed to make me worse.

I would love to tell my DH but he really doesn't understand, he doesn't really believe in mental illness and although he has been massively supportive I'm not sure he has actually helped either if that makes sense at all!

This is the first time I've actually written it all down and it does feel odd it not somewhat cathartic

This is feeling good to get it of my chest so if you don't mind I'm gonna list all my reasons for not doing it

It costs lots of money - think of all the things you could of bought and the house you are trying to save for
It is a massive waste - food just going down the toilet bowl,
It has made my teeth weak and they have literally been crumbling away
It doesn't make me loose weight
It gives me eczema on my face and hands
It is incredibly selfish and I am not a selfish person
I do not want my dc to hear me, I want them to have a normal relationship with food
It has given me nasty throat infections
My prioritys need to be my child, not food
It has made me incredibly deceitful to those around me and that is not the kind of person I want to be
It stinks and tastes horrible
It makes me feel vile and ashamed
It takes up so much time, I have turned down things that make me happy in the past so that I can b/p I don't want to do that again. I want to spend time doing the things I love instead

All for a literally 2 second high... Seriously what am I thinking

Sorry to hear of your struggles. On the Binge Eating Disorder thread a few of us are 'using' the Dr Fairburn book Overcoming Overeating. It is for bulimics too. It is really good and has helped me to almost stop binging.

Join us on the thread if you want some company.