Really struggling with bulimia

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I've spent ages thinking about whether to write this or not, and whether to name change (which I haven't).

I'm going through a difficult patch bulimia-wise. I've had it for fifteen years, but have had periods of not being sick in the past (longest about six months). It's been worse recently and today has been one of the worst I can remember.

I wondered if anyone had any recovery stories or can offer a bit of hand holding?

hiya,
do you know why it's flared up now?
Is there anyone in real life trying to help you?

I have a therapist I see privately. She is great. I'll see her next on Friday.

My work hours have changed and I now have Mondays off. I've felt a bit lonely today and it's worst when I'm by myself.

What's different about having Mondays off compared to your old day off?

I used to just have Saturdays off so had to pack lots into it. Now I have Monday off too but all the people I usually spend time with are at work. I've also been waiting in for a dishwasher repair person too so couldn't go as easily as I would normally.

yeah, that all makes sense.
What do you think your therapist would tell you if she were there right now?

Ooh, you're good.

She would say That it's important to eat properly as then I can concentrate better and be more in control of my emotions.

Mine always used to flare up when I felt that I was losing control or if I was anxious about something.

Perhaps this is a period of readjustment for you in relation to your work and you're feeling wobbly. Can you make plans for next Monday?

(nice compliment but not sure I deserve it, but thanks :) ....)

If you weren't a person with an ED, what healthy thing(s) would you be doing later this evening, before bedtime?

(No answer which is too energetic or ambitious allowed)

Yes, have plans for next Monday. It's definitely worse when I'm not feeling in control of things. I'm a lot larger than usual and I tell myself that I'm taking control by eating meals instead of restricting. Then I feel m heart race because I've eaten too much and I HAVE to be sick.

Tonight I have to finish some knitting. My immediate response was that I need to go for a run but I've vetoed that as too energetic!

You might feel better getting out for a walk, though. Fresh air & different perspective. Just 20-30 minutes or so. Still light & nice weather where we are.

Do you listen to the radio while knitting? Something so that you're not just stuck in your own head?

A walk is a good idea.

I usually watch tv whilst knitting as it's something to focus on.

Thanks for listening to me :)

Oh god, I remember the racing heart (and sweaty palms).

I haven't been sick for about a year now but I do know I could easily slip back into it if the plates I'm spinning started to wobble or drop.

no problem, Enjoy your walk. sorry I have to get rugrats to bed but I may pop up tomorrow to say hello tomorrow.

I used to play "What if I were normal..." games a lot. (Not that anyone actually is normal). Helped me focus on doing as many sane things as possible rather than all the unhealthy stuff I'd get up to instead.

Tippi-

Never mentioned the racing heart but to anyone before! Weird to realise it's not just me! Well done for managing so long. Did anything in particular help you to stop?

I have no idea why I've been ok for so long. I often wonder that myself!

I'm totally screwed in my attitude to food and will always be but for some reason I don't feel the need to be sick at the mo. I think dh was starting to twig (even though I could do it so quietly).

My weight is good at the moment and that helps. I also do a lot (6 x hard sessions a week) of exercise so my rational self knows I need food for fuel.

It's such a minefield, isn't it?

Yes. As soon as I exercise more I then get obsessed with the number on the scale. I have no idea how some people can have what seems to be a really normal relationship with food.