relapsing

[muser31]

i had been doing so well in the last few months, and feel like im just slipping into that black ed hole again.

i have been ill with this awful illness for ten years, at my worst i had to give up 2 jobs and never got back into employment again. i never recovered my health even though i recovered my weight, and i am so worried i will always feel ill....the most i feel able to work is about 15 or so hours a week and even that is pushing it. id be interested to hear how others cope with their illness at work.

anyway, i had managed to reduce the binging and purging to a few times a month, but this week after a lot of stress, i have done it nearly every day. i feel awful. i am between restricting and binging. i feel like im going into this cycle....i will let the doctor know.... but to be honest i don't think there is any point me going back to therapy. i was in it long enough and they took the attitude they had done all they can with me, id recovered my weight and the bulimia was 'something ive been doing for a long time' - in other words, i was likely to continue it and there is nothing more they can do to help me. i can't afford private therapy. i guess i just don't know what to do from here and am really down.

Hi, sorry to hear you are struggling, but it sounds like you have come a long way. Is there anything that has triggered things to get bad this week? Can you put it down to a bad week and carry on from there?

I don't know a lot about eating disorders, so I apologise if I'm not a lot of help, but I didn't want you to go unanswered.

hi flexible thank you so much for your message i got it the other day but didn't have the energy to reply. yes loads of things triggered me last week - i can identify them all in my mind, but unfortunately they all are things that have a tendency to re occur in my life and at times i cave under the pressure. so i do worry it will keep relapsing, although the trend over the last year is that i am improving slowly. i am trying to carry on as before, but i guess its much harder, once you have got used to do it again, it takes much more willpower to get back into that same place as before. like today, i had a very stressful day already, and already i feel myself struggling. i have a plan though for today to distract myself and am trying my best with it. its ok that you don't know about eating disorders, thank you so much for replying i really do appreciate it.

dancerqueen what a time of it you have had. i am so glad you are doing so well now.. well done, huge congrats on coming this far, i know too well how hard it is, and for me personally i think it would be even harder coming out of IP and trying to do it on my own, with noone to watch me. everytime i went on holiday, or was with anyone for any length of time, i was always fine, then as soon as i was on my own i was straight back into bp worse than before to almost make up for the lost time. i am a long way off that, but i still have a way to go. i am amazed at people who struggle with ed behaviours holding down full time jobs. i did for 8 years, and then it got the better of me, and to be honest i don't feel as if i will ever be well enough to work full time again. there are times my weight is good and im eating GREAT and my bloods are normal - and i still just don't have near enough strength to work full time. i don't think ill ever get my health back. i get discouraged as most other people i know who have had eds have gone on to make full recovery and work etc... i don't know what the heck is wrong with me and my body.
IP is not an option for me, i have a dd who is dependent on me, im a single parent. i was fighting for IP before i got pregnant. then when i got pregnant, everything changed, and i pretty much restored my weight. i wouldn't be eligble for IP on the nHS now, I wouldn't be considered at risk any more - i really have improved a lot. but sometimes, when it gets me, it gets me. and its just so hard. the fatigue is so hard - because it hits often, and its a trigger for me. then i am too tired to fight the urges. at the minute i feel better than i did last week, but i do feel like it could take hold of me at any time and im not strong enough to be on top of it. i would be out doing things and making plans etc etc to distract myself, but i am just far too tired. thanks for listening.