Advice for breaking bulimia 'habit'.

[crazykittensmile]

I am 27 and have suffered with disordered eating since I was 15. This included a period of about two years in my late teens where my disordered eating became an eating disorder, I was frequently skipping meals and when I did eat anything, even something small, I would make myself sick. I was making myself sick every day, often several times a day. I lost a lot of weight and CAHMs got involved after my parents took me to the GP. I was able to start eating enough to put on a little weight before things got serious enough to warrant hospitalisation.

Since then my eating has remained very disordered but my weight has been in the healthy range since I was in my twenties. I have rumination syndrome. and find I am sick very easily and I can make myself sick very easily by contracting the muscles in my oesophagus and without needing to use my fingers etc. Often if I have over-eaten (eg: after a three course meal to the bathroom) I can not feel comfortable until I go to the bathroom and vomit. Over the last few years I was purposefully sick after a meal perhaps once a week or so.

However, recently I have been trying to lose weight. I could lose a stone in weight from where I am now and still have a healthy BMI. I have been trying to stick to 1200 calories a day but sometimes I find that very difficult, I find if I slip up a little bit I then go all out and will binge on anything I can get my hands on. I will then make myself sick.

For the last week or so I have been making myself sick whenever I eat anything at home (when not at home I am not doing this as I don't like being sick where people may notice). The problem is that this has now become a habit and whenever I eat anything my automatic reaction is to bring it back up. It feels uncomfortable if I don't do this.

I want to stop making myself sick. I really don't like it and I feel ashamed about it, it feels like a 'dirty' eating disorder and whilst I have been able to talk to friends when I was starving myself or self-harming etc in the past I have never been able to talk about this. I don't really know where I could go for help or what techniques might help me to stop. Chewing gum helps to an extent but not enough.

Sorry this is very long and rambling. I only managed to admit to myself yesterday that this is bulimia and not just being sick due to being too full etc. I just don't really know where I can turn to to get help. I don't want to go to my GP as I don't want this on my medical records. Is there anywhere truly confidential that may be able to help?

I'm going to start with everyone does stuff they would rather keep to themselves, without exception. It's not shameful, it's reacting to a situation that makes you feel bad, to try to make yourself feel better.
I can't offer much advice on where to go I'm afraid, but I have made myself sick in the past, and I didn't feel good about it either. I know that many people do it and I am sure that if you look around you will find self help groups, or counselling that will not involve your GP.
Admitting to yourself that perhaps things have got out of hand is a huge hurdle, and you've done that. Be proud some folks can't reach that stage.
Mostly, be kind to yourself, you are the most important person in your life.

can you afford a private counsellor? have you been on b-eat website? Hope things start to get better soon

Just think about the irreparable damage bulimia is doing to your body- your teeth, your heart, your throat and gag reflexes. There are such huge health issues associated with it, some fatal. This helped me. Talking about it is a huge step and will help you to stop. Go to your doctor. You've done so much already by admitting it, recognising it and essentially talking about it (even if it is just anonymously on MN atm). I had a second cousin, he died in his early 20s from years of anorexia and bulimia. It was missed because he was male. In the end he wanted to get better, but he had done so much damage to himself with the bulimia that he could no longer hold down food and he would automatically throw up whatever he ate/ drank. His mother (my dad's cousin) went to wake him up one morning and he was dead. My dad telling me this story when he found out about it is what ultimately put a complete end to my bulimia. Good luck.

www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk/

www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/types-of-eating-disorder1/bulimia/

www.bupa.co.uk/individuals/health-information/directory/b/bulimia

I know that you are worried about this going on your medical records. Try not to let that fear get in the way of getting proper help though. The NHS provides treatment options. www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Bulimia/Pages/Treatment.aspx

As long as you have fears associated with bulimia and you don't try to confront them, you are going to find them interfering in recovery.

hi, I am in the grips of bulimia and have been for 20 years sadly, if you want to chat anonymously please pm me.

So much attention is given to alcoholism and drugs and people do not realise the hold this can have over you, really Some days I want to be free of this soooo much

I have bulimia on my records, it bothers me but rest assured it has never come up since I was treated (17 years ago now), it was worth it to get help. I agree, think about the health consequences and also identifying your triggers and underlying reasons through therapy. Also, finding other things to do when you want to purge such as going for a walk/run, whatever gets you out of thinking.

There is a lot of shame among the factors that go into creating bulimia, so try to recognise that when you seek help. Part of the problem with wanting to avoid bulimia on your medical record is the shame that goes with bulimia itself. So overcoming that to the point where reaching out becomes possible might be a big step forward.