parents of DCs with EDs, do you feel judged?

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

Please note this is not a question for people who have no experience of living with someone with an eating disorder.

Looking back over the years, I can see there have been definite times when I have been judged as an unworthy friend and a bad mother due to DD's behaviours and conversation resulting from DD's ED and (at that time undiagnosed and unrecognised by us) mental illness.

I felt like a social pariah and had no idea why. Now, looking back, it all makes sense. Her thoughts of suicide go right back to when she was little.

DD said and did things which were unacceptable to other parents and we had to deal with it the best we could. (E.G. calling a good friend 'fatty' because she really didn't think the friend minded. It really upset her friend and the friend's mum hated me afterwards, I later found out. DD has a blind spot for body image and felt strongly she was accepting her friend as she was, the friend laughed about it, and it didn't matter. She totally misread the embarassed laughter as genuine. Now I can see it took guts for her to do that, and she really was trying to be considerate, but DD made it hard to be her friend.)

I'm just wondering if other parents feel the same way. Once their children are refed and work starts on the emotional illness side of things, are there other parents out there who can say 'but it has always been a like this on and off. This isn't so new.'?

You do feel judged Ye. People judge me when I'm in the corner shop or in the post office. I hear them 'Thats hotcross, her daughter is mentally ill poor lamb. She's got one of those eating disorders. Her mums given her up anf put her in a unit'. (One of the old cows ladies conversations I overheard).
DD called her boyfriend fat but he didn't judge her. He laughed and left it but it was me who got the call from his mum about it. She doesn't understand how to treat others. Body image is hard for her, she has thoughts people don't understand and never will.

(((HotCrossBunting)))

What a horrible thing to say! It shows there is so little understanding for eating disorders. Your DD is in the best possible place, getting her in that unit was essential, and it's saving her life.

On the other hand, DD saw a girl at school crying recently and asked her what was wrong and could she help. It turned out the girl was being bullied by a 'friend' who had done something bad at school then made this poor girl go and confess to it and take the punishment. There were several witnesses to the bad thing. DD went to her teacher, who knew the girl hadn't done it but it was out of her hand because another teacher was taking the lead. DD went to see this teacher. This teacher seemed to not be able to look past the obvious false confession euther. DD made a compelling argument about justice and rruth and what lessons were being learned, and the girl didn't have to be punished (not sure if the girl who did it was punished, as no one who saw what happened would tell a teacher.)
I have met the girl who did the bad thing, she called by our house one day uninvitwd to use our loo, just because it was convenient. She then insisted on going into DD's bedroom, making her late for school, and I am fairly sure she stole £10. I a bit feel sorry for her. She is a nasty, manipulative bully and no one seems to be able to help her.

Sorry, it seems a bit off topic I know, but people with EDs get judged to be liars (I've read it so often on MN) and it's rubbish.

I know you don't want people without experience commenting here, but I would just like to say that I wouldn't judge you - and if anyone I knew made any of the nasty comments reported on here, I would challenge them. I have a mental illness (depression) and would be furious if people I knew were talking so ignorantly about someone else.

I might have hit the cow with my shopping basket by accident...
Your dd did the rifht thing trying to get the bad girl to own up. The girl who your DD saw crying should have refused to take the blame.
People with eds are thought to be lying for attention. They don't. They need control and food is easy to control.

SDTG Thank you. I just didn't want it to turn into a thread about whether we are judged, more a thread to awknowledge and challenge those feelings of being judged. (Not by saying it doesn't happen, and drowning the thread with 'I don't judge' comments, iyswim.)

Bunting I think I might have hit the cow with my shopping basket as well, if I were you.

I dont understand why the girl took the blame, other than the bully can be horribly manipulative and so has probably threatened her with something she can't/won't talk about. They still appear to be friends, or at least sit together at breaks, with the other girls who saw what really happened. One thing I know is, DD is very strong for standing up to this heinous ED and won't give in to just a mere bully. I guess being on the receiving end of this illness has given her a sense of loathing for that kind of manipulation and control and she will do what she can to help. Some people just won't be helped, though.

People like the bully won't go far in life. They can't manipulate people so they look good.
Your DD is strong Ye, she's fighting her ed and she can fight bullies and stand up for others like she has done to her ed.