I have a donor conceived child and wondering whether to try for a sibling, and whether that would help them to feel more genetically connected to themselves and to the family when they are older?

[GoldJules]

I am 46 and my - female - partner and I have a 2 year old, conceived with donor sperm through IVF. I would like to try again, but realise that I am may be getting too old; we have 7 embryos frozen between - so wouldn't have to go through egg retrieval again, I guess it's just I don't any future child to be embarrassed by our older age My partner, however, is less keen. She is very happy with just one child, adores our little girl- but is aware of our age, and her energy. Has anyone been in this or a similar situation? It's hard because I am not 100% for trying again, but I am probs close to 80% - and it wasn't for my age, I would be try again without question. One of the things that makes me want to try again, is so that our daughter has a full genetic sibling. I very much hope that she doesn't have too many struggles with being donor conceived, and we're obviously very much here to support her, but if she does - I was wondering whether having a full genetic sibling might make these challenges easier? Obviously this is on top of all the other benefits of having a sibling (which I know aren't a given, I'm one of 5 and it's definitely not straightforward and getting even more difficult as we get older!) Has anyone been is this situation? Realise there are about 3 topics in one post, but would be great to hear any advice/experiences on any of them!

Hi, I am in the same position as you . 46 with a donor conceived 2 year old little girl. My husband and I love being parents but are very content with one. We are concerned that as we get older having another would be a lot (my husband is older than me).However being older parents is also a good argument for having a second child. We want to do the right thing by our little girl and wonder if having a sibling with a genetic link would be helpful to her. I worry though that having a second child for that reason is not fair on the second child. It’s so hard. I feel like if I was younger I’d just go for it. I wish I could offer advice but wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. Have you got other parents of donor conceived children you are in contact with? Are you a member of donor conception network? There might be parents of older children in your local area that you can talk to about their experiences. x

@Florence329 thanks so much for your message - I really appreciate the solidarity. Yes donor conception network is definitely a good idea - we’ve just bought one of their books! - and defo worth looking into. Yes it’s such a hard one, and if we’re going to tr, - we need to really get on with it, which is an added pressure. I feel very torn about it. Our family set up is really lovely at the moment so on one hand, it’s likely - why risk that? But then maybe it will all work out and just get even lovelier! Thanks again for responding. It sounds like you’ve reached a decision though so well done! Xx

Definitely look into the donor conception network online meet-ups and local WhatsApp groups. There are regular meet-ups in my local area (which surprised me as I live in a relatively rural part of the country.) You get to meet parents with children of different ages which is really helpful. xx

It's a difficult decision but on balance I'd say no, don't. Much better to put the energy into your daughter now and give her a really good childhood. If you're one of five, there are presumably cousins, and you could presumably ensure that she has close links with them.
I was donor conceived and an only child...there are pros and cons of being an only child of course but I don't think that the DC aspect is particularly relevant to this.
I am 77 and although nowadays people live much longer, it's unfortunately true that after 65 -ish problems do tend to arise.
. I would make the most of your daughter's young years and make the most of them, rather than starting on pregnancy, birth, juggling a lively child and needy baby, school run complications, etc etc etc.
I'm not against second babies at all , I had one, but only if you have a strong desire for one rather than for your daughter's sake.
There's also the possibility that she will have half-siblings via the donor...I have lots that I discovered when I was 60 and am very close to many of them!

@CopperOriole thanks for your message. I really appreciate it. It’s hard, because yes - she does have cousins but most of them are lots older - my youngest her brother does have 2 closer to our daughter’s age, and she adores them - but then they (the 2 sisters) are soooo close to each other, I just wish that bond for my daughter (although I know that’s of course not guaranteed. And i do have a desire for another baby - aside from my child having a sibling. If I was a few years younger, I would try again in a flash. But yes, it’s also absolutely true about the half sibling point - how lovely that you’re close to some of yours! X

@Florence329 thanks for this! It was just the nudge I needed x

@GoldJules Another perspective is being older parents might make it even more beneficial for the child to have a sibling. It can be isolating bring an only and having a sibling also often leads to nieces and nephews one day, being an aunt/uncle etc. Having lost both parents in my 40s, these extra people enrich my life considerably. I'm not close to my sibling so I'm not idealising the relationship but I think if the main reason for delay/uncertainty is age then there are strong arguments about the benefits of older parents. Of course, I'm biased -pregnant with number 2 in late 40s, and there'll be quite the age gap between them but I'm thrilled he'll have this extra family. Yes, my life will be harder, more to juggle, less sleep, less money, parenting till I'm retired, but honestly I feel pretty chilled about it ATM. Maybe less so in a few months time!