Journey to become a single mum by choice

[Madsmoo]

Hi
I got to 40 and decided to peruse my dream of becoming a mum using doner sperm, many (minor) complications and delays later, I am have just had my second failed cycle of ivf, I am heartbroken as this was probably my last attempt.
I am now 41, 42 November and set my self a hard deadline of having a baby no later than 42 but I am now in a battle between my head and heart as I have one embryo left but by the time I have to have another period and start a medicated cycle, it would be April/may before my next embryo transfer and if successful I would be 42 and 2 months before i give birth.
My heart says just try the last embryo but my head says enough is enough you will be heading for 43 with a newborn baby
has anyone else found themselves in this situation? How did you make the final decision?
I do have counselling booked for next week as well.

thanks

I have not been in your situation in terms of age, but I'm 38 pregnant with my second child,First as a solo mum by choice.

I personally didn't want to be older than 38. I'll be 38.6 when baby is born.

Pregnancy is very hard on the body as we get older. Do you want to be 53 still doing school runs? There are other ways to mother like foster or baby sit. Adopt an older child.

Don't push your self

I would go for it, there's not much difference between 42 and 43, I know people having babies older than you.

Fostering and adoption are very different things and absolutely not for everyone. Adoption is finding the right family for a child who already exists, just because someone is single or infertile doesn't mean they automatically are suitable or want to pursue adoption.

You have an embryo OP, it would be insane not to use it when you want a child.

Thank you for the encouraging reply, it’s a battle between my head and my heart, my head just keeps thinking you will be age x when they leave school and so on but my heart just longs for a baby.
As you say adoption isn’t for everyone and it wouldn’t be for me but I think it’s amazing that others do it x

Thanks for your reply x

Well so what if you will be X age? You will possibly not be the only one, and if you are so what?
I did try again around your age but used all embryos with no further pregnancy. I don't regret trying and if it has worked out I would have been thrilled.

I am a SMBC using a donor too. I had my baby 8 weeks ago and 42 years and 5 months and have no regrets, she was worth it all. It took me 4 attempts, I still have 4 embryos left and would have kept going until they were all used if I hadn’t been successful as I wouldn’t have been able to live with the what if.

Congratulations @dubkitten enjoy this special time with your daughter, and look after yourself when you can. 🌺

Congratulations! This gives me hope!
This would be my 3rd and final embryo.
I think I am just letting the worrying about being around in their life as long as possible worry me Too much x

I’m sorry for the challenges you’re facing. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

I became a mom at 41.5, not single, but through IVF. It’s hard, and very tiring, but honestly manageable. I think being older actually helps: you’re grounded, level-headed, probably more financially stable, and more focused. Every day on my walk to work, I see younger moms who are often distracted by their phones, listening to music with headphones on or just generally less focused on their child. It makes me very sad. Like your baby is staring in your face and you are staring at your phone ffs!

Going through years of infertility changes you, and I think it can make you the best possible parent. I can honestly say we give 100% of our attention to our baby, because we want to. It’s hard, but it’s also lovely, and you don’t feel like you’re missing out on partying or anything else.

I also know a mom who had a baby at 43 via IVF, and she feels the same. I think you still have a couple of years to try if you want to. Personally, I’d be okay giving birth up to 45, at least that’s my hypothetical cut-off.
It’s not easy, though. If you’re a single mom, having support (whether from family or hired help) is really important, especially in the first year. After that, it gets a bit easier.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I know I am just over thinking it, I don’t care what others think of me or the actual age number but what if I don’t live to 60, what if I leave my child early and so on x

That's a valid concern but also early death can happen to any parent. Do we think that we might not meet our grandchildren? Of course. It makes us sad, but we can focus on staying healthy and be present for our child now. You still have years ahead of you.

Thank you, this reply is so encouraging and true plus knowing you are living life this way and enjoy it us so nice to hear x

I’m sorry, but this post comes across as very insensitive. For someone going through infertility or considering donor eggs, hearing “just adopt” can feel dismissive. If you’ve been lucky enough to conceive naturally, it’s easy to underestimate the immense emotional and physical strength required to navigate infertility.
The original poster asked specifically about donor eggs, not adoption or fostering or babysitting. Many of us have faced years of treatments, and unsolicited advice like “maybe you should use a surrogate” or “maybe you should adopt” or “maybe you waited too long” can be deeply hurtful, even if well-intentioned.
I just wanted to speak up and say this, in support of those navigating these difficult journeys.

Anyone can die at any time, regardless of age. I think you will regret it if you don't try one last time.
As for being an older mother, i love it. I'm by far a calmer, more engaged mum now than when I was in my 20's

Oh well.

@dubkitten me too, snap! Baby girl is 3mths old and theeeee best decision. @Madsmoo IMO you should try that last embryo because nothing in life is guaranteed and you aren't too old. You can be 53 at the school gate, or you can be 53 with no kid by choice and never standing at any school gate, so it is what you might regret more. Obviously if it doesn't work out thats very different and difficult to navigate if its what you wanted, but at least you can say you tried. I did not feel too old at 42.5 at delivery, basically 43 now. I still feel fine and not ancient, but tbf I have what some would say an 'easy' baby. I'd not have been a good mum in 20s and 30s as I always had other things I wanted to do and would have had fomo resentment. We are all different, but if it's your dream, go for it. We only get one life.

Thank you, after lots of thought and counselling, I have decided to go for my third round, everything crossed for a positive outcome.
I will keep you all updated x

I'm a SMBC and had my DD at 41.
She is now 2,and I'm 43,and planning on #2, who will be born after I turn 44,all going well.

I also have 2 SMBC friends who had kids after 50!!! (well... One of them is pregnant with her second right now. Her oldest is 3. So she was 47 when she had her 1st and will be 50 when tge 2nd is born!)

Thank you, nice to hear positive stories from someone who has gone through it.
sounds like you are doing amazing x

Not a single mum by choice, but went through DE for my 2nd child and she was born just before I turned 46.
Fingers crossed for your 3rd round. It sounded you might have regretted if you don’t use your last chance now. Wish you all the best..