Struggling a lot with the thought of using donor eggs

[oldeggs]

It’s become very clear we need to use donor eggs. I’m really struggling with this on a few levels.

I feel a huge loss that I won’t have my own biological child who won’t look like me at all. I’m worried that love won’t be instant and bonding will be hard.

Im scared about higher risk of pregnancy complications.

I feel anxious about donors being contacted once a child is 18 to the point I don’t think I’d want to tell them and would let them believe I was their biological mother. Then They’d never be contacted.

Dh says he understands and that it would be fine im just overthinking
He said id bond fine, that we would make sure drs are aware id be higher risk etc and that ultimately if we had a baby via egg donation it would be my decision if I ever told anyone at all that it wasn’t my biological child

Am i worried for no reason ? Has anyone been through these feelings ?

It's a lot to figure out. Might be worth reading some of the info on the donor conception site. Most research on donor conceived children points to them coping well with it when honesty and transparency have been the norm. For us, we wanted open id as felt it was ethical as having choice seems more ethical than having no way to find out about origins. This is my opinion. Obviously lots of clinics use anonymous donors. That said, with the ease of genetic testing now there's a high probability of finding out and I think it'd be traumatic for an adult to have that discovery. I had counseling to explore and process issues you've raised. I feel confident in the knowledge that it's the act of care giving that bonds parent and child and that an egg is not a child so I never think of the donor as the mother. Also that we share so much dna anyway...I find that thought quite comforting!
I hear you about the risks too. They are increased but they doesn't make them statistically high; just higher and also relative to your age and health in general. The other thing to consider is you're thinking about it hypothetically. When the baby is with you all the time, loving you unconditionally and having been effectively given life by you, I think it's highly likely you'll reciprocate the love. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. It took me years to get my head in the right place.

It's incredibly immoral to not tell a child they're donor conceived - you're thinking more of your own feelings than those of a potential child, who has to come first.

I say this as someone who needed a donor to have a child, so I get that feeling and I've felt it so many times over my life. Ultimately though, a child has no say in their conception or the circumstances around it.. the least we as parents owe them is honesty.

When my daughter was first born we didn't tell anyone, then one person, then another.. and now I'm quite open about it. Shame is something that hides in the shadows, and in secrecy. I can honestly say since I started talking about it more openly I feel more connected to my children, and feel far more sure of my role in their lives.

I'd strongly encourage you to get counselling along with your husband, from a therapist that specialises in infertility and donor conception. Speaking to one was invaluable to me, and really helped me to move from thinking about my interests to those of any hypothetical children I had.

“I feel anxious about donors being contacted once a child is 18 to the point I don’t think I’d want to tell them and would let them believe I was their biological mother. Then They’d never be contacted.”

Just go to Prague. Donors are anonymous for life by law there. It’s cheaper so that makes up for airfare and hotel. You can do the whole thing with only two visits and use local scan clinics and OneDayTests for any blood tests. They have huge donor registries there so they try to match the donor to your traits. I’m 12 weeks pregnant by donor egg from Gennet clinic in Prague now.

But, you must tell the child very young that they are donor conceived because psychologically it rocks their identity and sense of trust in you if they find out too old. You’ll have fewer problems and the kid is unlikely to have resentment if they always know it as their story.

Prague for the win. Contact Gennet. It was super easy. Gennet is the most centrally located and easy to find of all the clinics in Prague. There’s an Ibis hotel just down the street. You can make it a lovely short break and the prices are much better than UK. Donor remains anonymous for life by law. Go for it.

And I just had to tell myself this is life, life isn’t always fair. Sucks but what can I do? Crying about it won’t solve it. Donor allows me to carry my own child and ensure it’s born from a healthy pregnancy and won’t have abandonment issues being taken from Birth mother. Adoptions in UK are all extremely traumatized children. With my health issues, I couldn’t take that on. I’m looking at donor egg as like adoption, which people have always done when they can’t have their own, but better because I’m in charge of gestation and baby stays with birth mother. I’m grateful for this option. That’s what you need to arrive at.

You have a beautiful family ahead of you 💝 good luck 🍀

If you're going into the process already thinking you may not tell the child they are donor conceived I would suggest you access implications counselling to understand why that would not be in the best interests of the child. I think this is compulsory with UK clinics. I accessed it separately as my clinic was outside the UK.
If you give birth you are the biological mother, named on birth certificate, but not the genetic mother. I'm okay with that now but for many, including me, it can take a while to process.

As it happens I had treatment in Spain with an anonymous donor. I would have slightly preferred ID release but after a lot of failed treatment felt that Spain would give a better chance of success.
I've spoken to my child about the donor since before they could talk, it's just our family narrative.

Yes I’m going to look at overseas anonymous donors. It’s better for me as I don’t have an issue with telling a child they are from a donor egg I just don’t want any contact ever between any potential child and donor . I’d like to tell them obviously but not have the worry at 18 that there would be contact.

Putting it really bluntly, you're not thinking about what's best for a child, just what makes you feel comfortable.

Ask in ANY donor conception space and they'd advise against using an anonymous donor. I hope you listen and see sense.

Everyone has a different journey and different viewpoints. I’ve struggled for a long time and yes I have a preference for an anonymous donor but of course I would tell any potential child about their circumstances. I struggle immensely with the thought of a biological parent potentially being involved in our lives after the age of 18, it worries me a lot. I would love and cherish any baby I had and tell them the truth but I don’t want family dynamics suddenly changed and it seems simpler to me to go for an anonymous donor.

I do appreciate the advice it’s just not the right thing for us if we go ahead to have a non anonymous donor .

@oldeggs Reading your posts, something else came to mind that helped me to process the ethical aspects of this and it was to think beyond a potential child and what they might or might not want/need at 18 and instead to think about an adult and what they might need in terms of their identity and origins. Reading about adults who were created this way, the common thread is always whether parents considered their right to choice and open knowledge of genetic relatives or prioritized own right to choose removing any agency from the future adult regarding origins etc.

Yes you’re absolutely right I do see that side of it too. I think I need to arrange some counselling to talk through all of this it’s a very emotional and difficult thing

To give you a bit of perspective I didn't mention in my earlier posts, I really struggled with the idea of my (at the time) hypothetical future children wanting to know about the do or or wanting contact. It felt incredibly threatening, and I very much wanted to compartmentalize it and keep it all under wraps as much as possible.

What I can say now as someone with a three year old and a newborn that aren't biologically mine, is that I feel secure enough in myself and my role in their life that the idea of them wanting to know about or meet the donor doesn't bother me a bit.

The first time I 'told' my oldest daughter was when we got home from hospital. I read her one of the books on donor conception I bought, and then I just broke down sobbing because it was all too much. Then I did it the next night, and the next night, until my voice didn't catch. Now, sometimes she picks one of the books about it to read before bed, and we talk about how she won't look like me when she grows up, and how that's okay.

I'm quite open about it with most people in my life these days, and it's really one of those things that the more I've talked about the more I've become okay with. We even have a relationship with someone who used the same donor as us, and it's actually just this really nice, special little thing I'd never have imagined treasuring but do.

Counselling is invaluable, and there are a lot of therapists that specialise in donor conception. It's great to talk to someone who understands this, and the shame and fear that comes with it, but can also hold that our responsibility is to our children.

Thankyou for being so kind I really appreciate it. I’m going to research more and have some counselling as I want to to do the right thing it’s just so difficult as like you say it does feel threatening, but hearing how you’ve been there and got through those feelings does help. I’m going to arrange some counselling I feel like at least with the donor option I have that time to get my mind right and I don’t have my own biological clock ticking away like a time bomb making me make rushed decisions .

I wonder if any donors would be able to say what they would do if they were contacted by someone who was conceived using their eggs and found them on a DNA site? I would imagine they would just answer their questions, maybe show them a photo but not expect a relationship with them.

When you donate eggs it's not like giving a child for adoption. My boys know they are donor conceived and I said there is a kind lady out there who gave us some eggs to make them, they could find her when they are older if they wanted to, to see what she looks like maybe, but she wouldn't expect to be like a mum. That's how I see it anyway.

I had counselling because it seemed so unfair I couldn't get pregnant with my own eggs. I had to accept it as the only way I could be a mum but it still hurts sometimes. I will always be grateful to the woman who shared her eggs with us.