Feeling awkward around my sibling’s explanation to nephew…

[StiltonScones]

Hi.

Long story short - sister and her female partner struggled with infertility for years, 2 failed rounds of IVF and sister’s partner was already in menopause.

I donated eggs and they now have a beautiful 6 year old boy from this process.

My nephew has started asking questions now about how he was ‘made’, which my sister has been sending videos of to our family (me, mum, dad, our brothers etc).

Sister has told her son that he was made because she and his ‘dad’ (a sperm donor from USA) loved each other very much and made him in a hotel. He’s obviously accepted this as children do.

The issue is - I have a 16 and 13 year old, who were aware and present during the egg donation process (my 16yo even injected me with the trigger injection). I don’t want to ask my own children to lie, and I won’t - but I’m feeling increasingly anxious about my nephew speaking about it at our home.

When my nephew was born, I bought my sister a book about different ways babies were born etc, and different families. It had been suggested by the counsellor before the donation - but my sister was very offended and said she didn’t want it.

I’ve mentioned to my sister that it may come up, and semi-jokingly told me “just tell them to shut up”. I won’t do that.

Am I wrong in worrying about this? How on earth do I navigate this? My sister is due to travel with her partner for work shortly and we’ll have my nephew for around a month. He’s almost identical to my youngest, and we already get the comments about his likeness to me even during days out.

Help!!

Your sister needs to tell him the truth ASAP.

I can’t understand why she hasn’t told him ‘hey, you want to hear something really cool about how you were made…’. It obviously doesn’t help that she has already lied about it but time to come clean.

No way would I be minding him for a month (!) and asking my children to lie, even by omission. To be honest I can’t get why she said she was in love with the sperm donor if I understand correctly that your nephew has 2 mums.

I’m a mum via egg donation and think what your sister is doing is exactly the kind of crap that could mess with the child’s head.

Putting my personal feelings on it too, I would be very hurt and angry in your shoes having given her such an incredible gift. 💐

Edited to add for strangers who say he looks like you I’d just say it’s a family resemblance. I know people who really resemble a cousin or uncle or grandparent. But the likeness might mean that DN comments on it and your children might say something.

Thank you - you’ve essentially agreed with my exact thoughts.

Comments from strangers are fine - we’ve dealt with them since he was a toddler but my children have commented in the past after these events that it’s because he’s so closely related to them (e.g. “isn’t it funny he looks so much more like you than me”)

I think I’m beyond feeling hurt by this, as it quickly became very clear that my sister had no intention of being as open about it as the counsellor advised. I am a bit angry though, now, or perhaps disappointed is the better word - seeing her actively lying to my nephew and then sharing it broadly to all of our relatives…

It’s very strange regarding the donor as yes he has two mums. She also refers to the donor as “Daddy” which I also find problematic - but my sister simply says ‘lots of kids have dads they don’t see, why should he feel different?’ :/

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.

I think before he comes to stay with us I’ll attempt a tactful conversation with my sister. I don’t think we can have him if she insists on the lie being maintained - and I’ll certainly make it clear that we won’t be sitting on the truth if that conversation does come up during his time with us.

Hi, whether it’s considered a lie or not really depends on your family’s values. Since your kids are older, you can explain the difference between a tactic and a lie.
For example, if Grandma bakes a cake you don’t like but you still say, “It’s delicious, thank you,” that’s not really lying — it’s a way to be kind and avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Again, it all comes down to what your family values most.
On the other hand, your sister has every right to decide whether and how to reveal her child’s origins. Some parents choose to be open about it, while others prefer not to share that information.
If you’re trying to find a way that respects both your family’s belief in honesty and your sister’s wishes, you could explore together how to answer your child’s questions truthfully, but gently. That approach might help you both reach a solution that feels right for everyone.

I would say that I'm not asking my children to lie or tell them to "shut up" around the issue because it isn't fair on them. This means there is a risk that your child will receive a different version of "how they were made" which will conflict with yours. You are free to tell your child what you think is best.

@blacksnow I would say if the sister didn’t want to tell her son about his origins then she should not have accepted eggs from her own sister and later asked her to lie by omission. She could have used a clinic and told no one. As it happens the cousins do know, so that ship has sailed, it’s not good when others know things about a person that they don’t know (thinking of some people who didn’t know they were adopted while those around them knew). I don’t think that aligns with many people’s values (nor am I assuming they are yours).

I teach my DC about tact (not quite there yet if I’m honest!) as in not mentioning something with the intention of hurting someone’s feelings or not commenting negatively on their appearance (but DC too young to get that some factual comments could be hurtful e.g. Aunt Anne has a big nose or a hairy face etc).

I don’t think this is one of those occasions, particularly for the OP’s own children.

Also with the sister being in a same sex relationship there was always going to be a conversation about origins in a way that might not happen organically in a straight couple set up.

@StiltonScones I can imagine this may be difficult for you - perhaps you could reconnect with the counsellor from when you discussed implications, or maybe the Donor Conception Network. You and your DC come before your sister’s ridiculous request.

Thank you. You’ve got it in a nutshell essentially.

I feel that I’m grappling with the expectation of erasing - or at least rewriting - the narrative truth that my children were very much a part of.

They’ve never very much questioned it beyond the initial explanation, and I’m proud of them. Never once has either asked whether their cousin is anything more than a cousin, but to ask them to pretend we hadn’t a role in my niece’s conception feels unfair on them.

I don’t anticipate it being a huge conversation - but I’m conscious that it sometimes comes up.

For example, I’m no longer with my DC’s dad, and my youngest has been diagnosed as being on the borderline of autism. I’m now with a new(ish) partner, and recently they asked if we had a baby together “would it be likely to look more like [nephew] than us because it might look like you a lot but also a bit different because of a different dad?”

I’m not dreading having my nephew but really struggling with this - and I feel it is a largely unnecessary concern if everybody could be open.

I think I will follow your advice - the counsellor was from the clinic so it may be too long ago now but speaking to the DC network feels like a really good idea - thank you.

Best of luck with speaking to your sister, as other commenters already said it is very important to be truthful with little ones and not keep any family secrets. Your sister maybe does not realize it now, but this has the potential to greatly damage her relationship with her son - and rightfully so, how can he trust her when she has lied to him?

Something stood out to me, what does her partner think? my wife and I became mums via adoption so I don't know much about donor conception, but if we had used a sperm donor and my wife had told the resulting child a story about being in love with him, I would not be very pleased to put it mildly! What are her thoughts on all of this? Does she look uncomfortable with how your sister handles the conversations? She might be on board to make your sister realize that lying about their son's origins is not good.

Your sister sounds ashamed of donor conception, which is something she should have explored before using this method to have children. Has she had difficulties accepting her problems with fertility? Maybe speaking to her about this could make her reflect and realize that her approach of lying is not good at all. It would be better to face the truth without shame.

I may have to use donor eggs, have gone as far as to have implications councelling and been offered it on the nhs due to my circumstances. It is the number one thing I’d choose to do for my child, in telling them their origins (the second thing would be trying to choose a donor that they have a right to access info at 18). My dream scenario was that my sister would donate eggs, but she said no. The eldest wanted to but was too old. First of all, what a wonderful sister you are for donating (my own sister said egg retrieval wasn’t something she could to go through for someone else, so I recognise the selflessness of what you did strongly).

it must be really confusing and hurtful, but more importantly, worrying, that she’s not being open with her child about his beginnings. She’d certainly have discussed this with an implications counsellor before going through with it, and they’d have explained to her the damage that is done to a child/person through dishonesty. Obviously he’s going to find out, so why she would not choose to take control of that narrative is very confusing. Perhaps she’s feeling insecure about their bond? But in my opinion, a donor child’s feelings come first above anyone else’s to protect and guide then as best as possible so that they grow up comfortable and feeling supported in what will inevitably be a journey they go through.