Should I become a single mum by choice?

[KellyJ24]

Hi everyone,

I am new to Mumsnet, and wanted to share my situation and ask for advice.

I am currently a single mum of two. They are from a previous relationship. I separated from my children's dad in 2016, and dating has been a disaster to say the least. I have had one serious relationship since then, which ended in January.

I always wanted to have more children but worry I may run out of time. I'm 31 now. I'm not sure if I have time to date around, start a new relationship, wait for things to get serious and then bring up the conversation of having a child.

I'm seriously considering using a donor and having one or two more children alone. I have coped well with the two I already have, live in a nice home and have a stable income. I'm in a much better situation now than I was in my 20's. Plus I know all the ins and outs of parenting and have family to support me.

This is something I have been considering for a while, but it is a big decision.

From a practical POV it’s very different being a single mum of older children compared to coping with a newborn and older children at the same time.

You already have children. Focus on the ones you have. As a donor conceived adult, I can tell you that there are lots of issues for DC people which you wouldn’t have imagined. And having the unequal “status” of your different children may also cause problems.

It's interesting to hear your perspective. Thank you.

I would not risk the stability for more children, what if there is a loss of income at any point, then you have less time with the other children more tired and is it really fair to off load childcare on family members unless they are backing you on this. This would be my worries, I’d want to make the best life for the children already here but I’m seeing it from the perspective of a single mum on average cost of living.

Do you have a very high income?
4 DC is tough with two wages, let alone one.

What if a baby had a disability, would you still be able to cope and work? Solo? And the impact on your existing DC?

It sounds to me like it would be an incredibly difficult option.

As above ^ unless you’re in an extremely strong financial position I wouldn’t. But having said that it’s not just about finances. There’s only one of you to spread around 3, potentially 4 children. At the moment you are coping fine with two. The people I know who have 3+ really struggle and that’s with two parents.

A firm no from me, I think it would be very selfish given you already have two children, they need to be the priority here.

I’m a bit on the fence about donor conception as I think it can be unfair on the child created to not even have a chance of having two loving parents. I can sort of understand it in women who have no children and are desperate for the chance to become a mother, or even to provide a sibling for an existing child, but to do it just because you want more is selfish and unfair IMO, especially when your existing kids have a relationship with their dad. You need to think of the children here and not just what you want.

Children deserve two parents. Sometimes that doesn't happen because of reasons beyond your control, but planning from the start for them not to have a second parent isn't right in my eyes. You've got two already, what are you not getting from them that you need more?

I’m a SMBC and know a lot of others. Despite the naysayers, recent studies have shown that children of SMBC do at least as well as children from people in conventional relationships, if not better (likely as they don’t have to deal with relationship separations/family break ups which happen so often sadly). These are studies from the last couple of decades though where the young adults have been told they are donor conceived from babies and will likely also be able to find out information about their donors as adults - so it’s very different situation from what donor conceived adults went through in the past when secrecy was more widely practiced and donors were anonymous.

BUT saying all that, your situation is much more complicated than the typical SMBC who has 1 (maybe 2 at most) DC child/ren in her late 30’s or early 40’s. Most had been researching it for a while when they realised they still hadn’t found the right partner, saving up and do so with a lot of wider family help and involvement too. And most typically do not have any other children.

For me, that last one is the big one - some of your kids would have a Dad and others won’t which might cause resentment as the kids get older. Personally I’d speak to the Donor Conception Network Charity UK first as they might be able to put you in touch with others in your situation (they call them “mixed families”) so you can get views of people who have done it.

If you want more children go for it I’m single and try for my first baby at 38 with a donor as have never had a relationship and don’t want to miss out on being a mum. Only you can decide if it’s what you really want go for it good luck