No idea where to start

[Oldtiredanddone]

I’m about to turn 36 and I know my time is running out. I have a 13 year old DD and lost two babies to miscarriage when she was quite young. I know that my deathbed regret would be not even trying to have another baby. I have my own house and am financially secure. I’ve been a lone parent since she was 1. Conceived twice in other relationships and lost twice. I’ve been single for over 10 years now and totally okay doing it on my own as I've always done. I’ve tried to look into this myself online but it’s gotten me nowhere. I think I’m probably out of the loop so much that I can’t find a solution to even try. If anyone can give me some advice I’d really appreciate it.

Where do you live?

Does your DD see her dad at all? If they have any kind of relationship then I think it might be unfair to consider having another child that wouldn’t be able to have the same thing; indeed they might potentially be able to find only limited information about their donor at all.

Also how does your DD feel about the possibility of having a baby sibling? I think a lot of teenagers might find it quite stressful (things like having a toddler underfoot while doing GCSE’s, as well as the big change of not having Mum’s attention to themselves anymore after 14/15 years).

Those would be the two major questions I’d be asking myself. I’m a SMBC, so obviously am positive about such families in principle- I just think that unfortunately things can be trickier if you already have a child to think about/need put their needs first.

ETA: I had my only DC at 41 btw (admittedly after 2 rounds of IVF). So while 36 is on the older side, please don’t rush into anything just because of your age. If you are really concerned, then imo it might be worth paying for private blood tests and scans (AMH, FSH, AFC) to try to get a picture of your fertility, to give you more information before making any decisions.

North West

She has had no contact with him for 6 years. He has significant mental health problems and is not allowed to be in contact with her (which I was told by social services. The last contact that I had from them is that he is again “involved” with the police and they were checking to make sure there is still no access) he doesn’t know where we live much less what school she goes to. After not seeing her for so long I doubt he’d even recognise her at this point. She has a younger half sister by him who she’s been unable to have any contact with since he dropped off the radar. The Mum will not allow contact between the siblings.
I have spoken to DD about it and she feels positive as long as she’s not required to change nappies!
I can’t rush into anything as I really don’t have a clue as to what options are available to me or where to go from here, which is why I posted. I don’t think that I’d need private testing to check my fertility beforehand, I’m just looking for advice about how to go about finding a donor. If I did and was unsuccessful then I would definitely look into that.

Download the App ‘Just A Baby’.

Ah, okay - sorry, that’s really tough on your daughter

I’m afraid I can’t help with info on private donors - after research, I did everything via a clinic/sperm bank as it seemed far safer to me, although obviously expensive. Good luck, whatever you decide ❤️

I don’t quite know if I am understanding your question. I just did a google search of ‘fertility clinic Manchester’ which led me easily to the attached page which describes services available ( including using donated sperm) and says that you need a referral from
your gp. Is this what you mean you need when you say you can’t find out how to start?

mft.nhs.uk/saint-marys/services/gynaecology/reproductive-medicine/

Thank you but I’m quite a way away from Manchester. Wirral to be exact. From what I’ve researched online there’s nothing I can get access to here. I don’t drive and wouldn’t be able to reliably access a clinic in Manchester. I think I’m asking how women managed to do this via donors without clinical intervention but also verified donors. It seems that so many women (from many threads I’ve read on here) use websites or apps that are above board without having to pay a ton. As I’ve lost babies before I couldn’t just throw all my money in to likely lose again potentially several times.
I did download an app a PP mentioned but it said that “5 great photos are more likely to get a match” and I would have to sign up to a free 7 day trial that would lead to £20 per month if I carried on. It felt a bit too much like Tinder for babies :/

Ah. Got it. Good luck on your journey.

As you’ve sadly lost babies before would it not be better to go via a clinic who can ensure that there are no genetic incompatibilities between you and a potential donor?
I wouldn’t use a private donor as legally it’s complicated - going via a clinic avoids that, as well as the obvious advantages of STI screens as the online donors can just be men looking for sex - those ones want ‘natural insemination’ which is sex, not the turkey baster method!
Also with an online donor you will have no idea how many women he is meeting with, there’s no regulation. You might not even know who he really is whereas clinics do ID checks.

I’m in a different situation as I have DC via egg donation so understand some of the process. My donor was screened but if she discovers a genetic health issue in the future the idea is she would notify the clinic. Equally if we discovered something about our DC that could have implications for her we would let the clinic know to contact her.You could have a look at Donor Conception Network charity and maybe connect with others in a similar situation.

Can I also say that for the number of appointments you would have, getting from the Wirral to Manchester should not be a barrier if that was the best choice for you, I imagine an initial consultation and then a few appointments during your treatment, but there are clinics in Liverpool.

If you are determined to go with a private donor at least try to stay safe by telling someone where/when you are meeting, it’s a very vulnerable position to put yourself in and you have your daughter to consider. I absolutely would not even consider this but I know many do.

To add to ensuring safety (which cannot be guaranteed through any app, none of which are “above board” in any real sense), make sure you’re clear on the legal risks here. Unlikely though clinic donation, if you successfully become pregnant then the donor has the same rights as any other father would regarding that baby ie they can apply to be on the birth certificate and gain parental responsibility, seek access etc.

Hey! I'm also 36 and am looking for a donor to have my first child. My partner is 40 and also, doesn't have any children. We have found that since the publicity around serial donor's etc that people have not been so happy to donate.

Are you on sperm donor pages? Just look at sperm donor risk list too so it keeps yourself safe.