I keep doubting my decision

[Kp8485]

I have decided to use donor embryos but keep doubting my decision even though i know deep down its the right thing to do.
I had an ectopic pregnancy when i was 27 then after i got married one miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies. We started IVF in 2023 i had three cycles privately with the NHS i produced 9 eggs first round 2 made it to blast failed cycle. Second round i had 6 eggs 2 excellent blasts both failed. Last cycle 6 eggs 2 poor blast failed.
I then went to Turkey where they found i had a polyp in my uterus that was removed ( I dont know if this had affected all of my previous cycles). I had my 4th round which produced 5 eggs but only 3 where mature 2 fertilised and made it to good blasts i had a chemical pregnancy. I haven't done any pgta testing.
I then upped my game started top brand supplements and red light ready for a 5th cycle and got pregnant naturally that ended up being another loss suspected ectopic.
My selfish husband then went on a bender smoking weed and drinking so i refused to do a 5th cycle as i am 40 with DOR and i wasnt able to delay the treatment any longer. I dont even know if he has done this throughout the time we have been trying. I thought donor embryos was the right choice its all been arranged but i keep doubting my decision.
I dont know if this is just normal to have doubts. I dont think i can cope with anymore heartache 💔

There are two different issues here. One is whether or not you will feel as if a donor embryo, when it develops and is born, is your child? Have you considered adoption?
Secondly, you call your husband ‘selfish’. If you think he is that now, how will he be when you are dealing with a new baby?
Can you go and talk to your GP or a therapist and talk through your doubts and fears?

It sounds like you’re absolutely blindly in pursuit of pregnancy. Which is understandable, biology is bloody powerful.

I know time isn’t on your side, but I really recommend having a pause and a think, perhaps with professional help.

Two questions. Do you want to build a family with your husband? It doesn’t sound like you do.

And do you really, really want a baby so much you are willing to go through all this angst to have one that isn’t biologically yours? Nothing in your post talks about wanting a baby, just the process. Of course, we only have a tiny snapshot but it’s interesting that it’s the process, and almost a sense that you have started this journey so you’ll finish it, which is front of your mind rather than the eventual child.

Hi OP, I am sorry to hear about your long struggle. It is normal to have doubts about donor eggs/embryos, some people doubt it even after getting pregnant with them. But I have never heard anyone regretting it once the baby arrives.

Infertility is a lonely and painful journey which is difficult to navigate even with supportive partners. I'm sorry to hear that your husband is not very supportive.

That makes me think whether you are doubting if you want to have a family with your husband, rather than if you want to use donor embryos. Does he want a family as much as you want? If he couldn't be serious about having his own offspring, will he be serious and supportive of a child created with donor sperms (I'm assuming it will be both donor eggs and sperms if you are considering donor "embryos")?

I would suggest both of you undergo counselling before going down the donor embryo route to make sure both of you are on the same page and fully understand the commitment and sacrifices required going forward.

Can you get counseling at your clinic? I know many clinics provide this option

If you have doubts, then don't rush into anything. Donor eggs don't care if you're 40 or 45. It's not like using your own eggs. Your ivf clinic should have a counsellor you can speak to, you have time to explore those doubts and see if this is the right path for you.

You start by saying ‘I’ have decided to use donor embryos. It’s not a decision you can make alone, unless it’s a journey you’re planning on taking alone.

I have a child via egg donation, I have a DH, we both had to be on board with that for it to work.

Do you want to raise a child with your DH? Do you want your marriage to work? I’d explore those first.

@Rocknrollstar adoption is about finding the right families for existing children who may have been through multiple traumatic experiences to get to the point of being adopted. They need stable families that are the right fit for them (which at the moment in current set up I don’t think OP would say she could provide if there are issues to resolve with DH). Years ago adoption was seen as a direct solution to infertility but less so now, which I think is a good thing.

Also from a purely process-driven perspective donor eggs or embryos could make the difference to OP if the reason for her issues is genetic, so she could have the experience of carrying a child which is important to her.

My clinic recommended a really good fertility counsellor who did happen to have become a mum via adoption, I’m not saying it’s not a way to have a family, I’m saying it is not right for everyone.

@ooooohlala those versed in fertility forums don’t need to hear the “I want a baby” statement. Your comment comes across as a bit strange, getting stuck on that aspect. OP has gone through hell to get to the point she’s at. I’ve gone through a similar hell, and at this point, imaging the baby I want (and the pregnancies I’ve lost as babies) and the babies I always assumed I would have when I was a little girl, all that is so abstracted from this “process”. I think it’s a form of self protection. The goal is pregnancy for me, one that lasts. It’s too painful to imagine yet another baby, and it doesn’t feel necessary to have to say on every post (given the context provided by OP) what she’s trying to achieve . It generally takes people who have gone through hell to see where such a post comes from.

Additionally, telling someone they're simply feeling a strong biological urge is obtuse and reductive. The number of times I’ve heard parents express the birth of and existence of their children as the single most significant things in their lives, the complex of psychological, social, the pain OP has experienced to get to where she is, to say, ‘yeah it’s basically your hormones’ is in a way, pretty offensive, and combative.

@Rocknrollstar are you truly suggesting that after all the OP has gone through she hadn’t heard of adoption? Hadn’t considered it as one of the alternative paths to parenthood? Of course you aren’t. So what is it you’re telling the OP by saying that? I’m really curious to what your underlying statement is.

OP, it does sound like some counselling would be helpful as other posters have said. You do have to have counselling to use donors, but it’s fairly basic implications counselling. NHS say my best chance is with donor eggs, though I’m not quite ready to give up on my own eggs. Our private clinic think I have a chance, but agree that donor eggs might be my path in the end. But in a way, I’d rather have a donor embryo that would otherwise never get the chance for life than a donor egg (ethically). But then I’d be denying my child a biological link with their father, so I’m unsure of what’s the better choice.

Me and DP have been tee total for about 3 years, and at times I feel like I’m going to go really far off the rails in a sudden burst or drinking and bad food and partying. But of course I don’t (probably because the buck stops with me). I only say this bc maybe your DPs bender was really a one off “I need to break free” moment. It sounds like you’ve both been going through this a long time too. I hope once he gets his head screwed back on he’s back on the same page as you and you’re able to move forward together. I’d be raging at my dp if he did the same, but that wouldn’t erase my desire to parent with him. Maybe thats the same for you. Sorry for two massive posts. I’m in a second cancelled cycle and coming off the drugs, very emotional today!