Considering donor eggs but worried about the (potential) child’s feelings?

[LimeBird]

Hi there
I am hoping someone can provide some experience here. I’m 41 and have had 4 rounds of unsuccessful ICSI with my own eggs and am coming to the realisation that donor eggs may be an option for me to try.
I don’t have too many concerns about myself (I don’t have a strong urge to pass on my beautiful genes or anything 😂) although obviously have some thoughts about bonding with the baby etc.
My main concern is for the potential child, I’ve spooked myself by looking online at donor conceived forums and a lot of the donor conceived children on there are angry- some of them due to being told late but some of them knew from being young but just seem angry at the process even existing (I think).
Does anyone have experience of raising donor conceived children, where they are old enough now to tell you how they feel? Or is anyone donor conceived and can tell me how they’ve felt? I know everyone is individual but any experiences would be really helpful. I would hate to cause pain/confusion to a child, it makes me think I’d rather leave it altogether.
Feel free to PM me if you’d rather not post publicly too.
thanks so much x

Hi. Sorry about your unsuccessful attempts.

I don't have personal experience of donor eggs, but I too couldn't get pregnant and adopted instead (that's a whole kettle of fish too, with groups of angry adoptees so I do know a bit about that).

What is would say is that i do think that there are plenty of people who think that dna doesn't matter - but equally it does really matter to lots of other people. And you can't necessarily get the "it doesn't matter" combination no matter what you do.

Most adopted children dont seem too interested in birth family in my experience (partly because of what happened to them) but you get a group who DO care enormously, even while knowing what happened.

My social worker told me about a baby she placed with a couple. The woman, who had been through an incredibly thorough approval process and thought she was ready, broke down and said "this is not my baby" and that was the end of that. Social worker also had an adult adoptee who simply could not get over being given up by her birth mother, and no matter how much therapy she had, this feeling never went away.

I have two adopted daughters, both adults, and they are absolutely nothing like me. It is fun having such different people in my life - my family is kind of quiet and boring and these two are a breath of fresh air, but it can be hard to bond with such a different dynamic - both for the parents/ wider family and the children.

I would say to have good counselling before you embark on this if you decide to do it. I personally dont think it's as straightforward as anyone makes out. For one thing, you have a different relationship to the child than your partner if you have one and if he provided the genetic dna.

But then the other options - childlessness, surrogacy, adoption - aren't easy either.

Good luck.

Hi op, the above is really insightful and I don’t have a huge amount to add. The only thing is that my wife and I have both given birth to one of our daughters each and honestly, I was so much more bonded to our first daughter from the get go than our second who I carried and share genes with.

I do agree it’s advisable to have counselling first, but you know your own feelings. I think it was likely easier to get my head around as I have multiple family members who are adopted or not biologically related to me. Equally our girls will always know how they came to be, obviously through it being the right thing to do but also we are two women so it’s obvious.

You can never know how your child is going to feel growing up, whether biological or not. The best thing you can do is what you are, research, understand and be as prepared as you can to support your child.

@LimeBird hello. Generally speaking people that engage in certain forums do so because they have concerns/issues/problems, and maybe traumas; therefore, they can be skewed on the negative side in relation to opinions etc. So perhaps don't go down too many of those rabbit holes.

There's the Donor Conceived Network, meant to be very good for info/resources - check it out.

Also, not sure if you have a partner, if not there's 'embryo adotion' - so using fertilised egg that a couple have already made through IVF, but maybe they already have several children, and so rather than destroy they give the embryo to someone else to be implanted/adopted. To me that's different because conception has already taken place. Also the child might have other full siblings it can link in with (if theres consent). I'm not saying this is good or bad, just that I've heard of it as an option.

Some women want to carry a child, irrespective of genetics, and I do think it would create a deeper bond than say adoption, in my opinion.

Good luck with whatever you decide

I don't have direct experience with this but have seen this organisation shared before by someone I know who has a donor conceived child which may be a useful resource. Best of luck.

pathstoparenthub.com/

Hey @LimeBird , sorry to add to the litany without experience, but I just wanted to say I’m in the same shoes as you, thinking a donor egg may be my only way to parenthood and having concerns for the child’s feelings about it (esp after reading forums). I had implications counselling, which basically supported the framework raised above by other posters, that as a parent, you would study and equip yourself to help your child navigate through it as best as possible, and accept and be open to how they feel about it. But I totally get you, I worry my child would potentially be unhappy because of my decisions, and I’d be the person most wishing their happiness. To that thought, the councelling pointed out that without those decisions they wouldn’t exist, and they have a point.

To me generics are important, but I bond so easily with children and examine the love and protectiveness I feel for other people’s children and know it would just be an aspect I’d grieve, but I’d not miss it in my child. I’d worry about limiting the child’s access to their own genetic history though. NHS offered me known donor ivf, but I’ll age out the waiting list, so there’s not really an option for a contactable donor which I feel is most ethically sound. Sorry to take up space on your thread.

Hi, I came across a great article that addresses one of the biggest concerns — what the baby will look like: www.eggdonationfriends.com/will-baby-look-like-me-donor-egg-concerns/ When I first read it, I discovered so many new things. I also joined a webinar hosted by the author (Carmen) and really liked her approach, especially for parents who want to tell their children their story in a gentle and age-appropriate way. Carmen has donor-conceived children and wasn’t sure how or when to tell them. She created sweet bunny stories to slowly introduce the concept. Over time, as her kids became more familiar and emotionally ready, she shared their full story step by step: https://www.eggdonationfriends.com/how-to-talk-to-your-donor-egg-child-about-their-conception/ I hope this gives you some ideas for building your own plan.

Thank you so much for all your replies. Sorry for the delayed response, I felt so overwhelmed over summer and took a bit of a mumsnet/forums break and just sat with my options and talked to family and one of the counsellors more recently. All of the perspectives are so helpful. Thank you @Btowngirl thats really interesting about how you felt the bonding differed. I was actually talking to one of my friends the other day and we were saying how just because I am in a heterosexual couple, people assume we can use our own egg/sperm but life’s not that straightforward as we all know, and if we were same sex then we’d have to use a donor egg or sperm to create our family, just as we would have to now as my eggs are not suitable. So that’s helped me normalise it a bit more if that makes sense, and to feel less alone.

We are considering going for the DE option, so I will look at the resources shared for support, thanks so much. X

Hi @LimeBird welcome back, and thanks for updating us. Pleased to report we have thriving nearly 4 and nearly 1 year olds. DD1 is aware she has 2 mummies instead of a mum & dad, but obviously is too young for lots of details. We have the book for 2 mums/donor conceived children from the donor conception network which id recommend if you do go down DE route. Best of luck with whatever path you take xx

Hi, if you're still looking at this post, I'd just like to say that I'm donor conceived and very happy about it.
I know a lot about my donor and have DC siblings who add a lot to my life.
I'd say that honesty and a positive attitude will make it easier. I wish you all the best.

Hi @CopperOriole thanks so much for your message, that really does help! So pleased you have had a good experience of it. I agree that positivity and honesty are the way to go! We have decided to give it a go, so keeping everything crossed that this time we might get a bit of luck (god knows we haven’t had any so far!) take care and thank you again for posting x