Gender disappointment with donor sperm

[earlgreyandlemon]

Please go gently - navigating some unexpected feelings here.

We're a heterosexual couple and I am pregnant with donor sperm due to male factor issues in my DH. We found out last week that we are having a boy.

I am delighted at this, to be honest I would have been happy either way. I didn't have much of a preference and if I did, it was a slight leaning towards a boy, so I'm really happy.

My DH on the other hand is disappointed - he really wanted a girl - more than he consciously realised. He said he hadn't quite realised how big of a deal it was to him until he found out. He was very upset for a good couple of hours after our scan.

I'm not at all worried that he won't love the baby - he will still be a wonderful dad.

But I think he's worried about the possibility of the baby inheriting more of the donor's traits than mine/ ours, and also has some hangups about his own masculinity, he doesn't like sports, quite geeky, and getting on a bit in age as well (late 40's). I think he just thought a girl would be somehow easier and more likely to be similar to us. He's also been involved in the lives of more girl children than boys and has some friends with girls and a niece who he really gets on with, so is maybe more comfortable/ used to the idea of raising girls.

He is very self aware and knows that these feelings are irrational, but it doesn't change that they're there - and the donor element adds a layer of complexity. I think there could be some complex feelings about raising 'another man's son' going on.

Has anyone navigated this? Any thoughts or advice? Please don't just say that he's being unreasonable and needs to get over it - we both know that - it doesn't help change the feelings, though.

I was just so happy to be pregnant after years of hell with fertility treatments, but this has put a bit of a dampener on things. Baby is due in 2 months and I'm worried he will struggle to bond.

Hmm that’s difficult to navigate. I suppose in his head a girl would be like you, whereas a boy could be like his donor father, which for him might be really painful. Of course you may have a son who is really like you. Children can also be really similar to a parent to whom they are not biologically related , I have known a few children like this. My friend adopted her daughter when she was about 20 months, weirdly they were alike from the start, even though they are from different ethnic groups they look somehow similar and they have similar personalities.
Once your baby is here your DH will just love him, and be Daddy, and these feelings will subside. After all, he could also have a biologically related son who was massively into sports. So I think it will sort itself out over time, and I understand his grief now.

My advice would be do nothing. Let him grieve the future dd he isn’t getting. Once your son arrives it’ll be so all consuming he’ll get over it.

My son looks like me and my daughter looks like her dad. They are also totally different personalities. I think the key thing is to think about friends and the characteristics you look for/see in your friends. You don't start the list with their sex.

Sorry I don't have direct experience, but just wanted to say his feelings, while uncomfortable, are valid and real. Sometimes it's ok to feel your feeling, as long as he takes steps to process them appropriately, and doesn't let them interfere with caring for baby.

There were probably always going to be some bittersweet feelings for him, with the excitement of the baby mixed in with sadness at not sharing genetics. I can totally see how (subconsciously) he might have convinced himself it would be a mini-you, and he could ignore the other half of the genes. Could you get in touch with the clinic you used for donation? They might be able to offer counselling or something, as I doubt he is the only person who has come up against these kind of feelings.

If you can afford it, some form of talking therapy might help. If he has unresolved 'feelings' around the fact the baby is 'another man's son' (He's not, your DH is the father and you are the mother. A donor is a donor, not a parent). The clinic you used might be able to point you in the right direction for a good person to talk to.

Not quite on topic but I absolutely know that my gorgeous god daughter is from a donor egg. I supported her mum through all the heartache and the decision that led to the decision to go with a donor egg.
Despite knowing this, I still keep saying thing like she’s so like you, she’s got your eyes (she does!), x is so you. No one else knows and no one has ever hinted at the fact they think she’s not 100% biological daughter. She just is her mother’s daughter in every way.

So the genetics just seem utterly irrelevant

Some suggestions of fertility counselling specialists here Find a Counsellor | BICA

It must be a difficult thing for fathers to make peace with regardless of sex, but maybe thinking of a girl just made a difficult thing a little bit easier. He needs some counselling.

sending you congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have two donor conceived boys (sperm donor) and whilst me and (now ex) DH did try to select a donor with similar physical characteristics to him, you’ll know yourself that the pool of donor sperm isn’t too vast so sometimes compromises have to be made!

That said, you’ll be surprised how much children inherit characteristics and mannerisms from their parents… even when there’s no biological connection, my boys are very much like their Dad. Also, so many people mention how much they look like their Dad- not knowing they aren’t biologically connected, people see what they want to see!

I understand his feelings, but after all they are based on assumptions and stereotypes. Encourage him not to feel guilty about his feelings, but also he needs to know that our fantasies of our future children are just that.

I have two children,one adopted. My birth child is the spitting image of me, and similar to me in many ways. But in many crucial ways she is not at all like me, and one of the best lessons I have learned from her is the importance of really seeing your dc as their own people, not as extensions of you.

My adopted child is black and I am white; she is beautiful and has a social confidence I could only dream of her age. I was a little bookworm and she has never read a book unless forced to. Yet I am her mum and I raised her, so of course I see me in her too: the same sense of humour, quick temper, sense of justice, love of interior design, loyalty. One of the best lessons I have learned from her is how you build love and connection even if you start from quite different places.

I think your dh shouldn't panic about he is feeling now. If he can't reach a place of relative calm with it, some counselling may help. But I expect the messy realities of parenting, the dawning realisation that they are themselves, not projections of ourselves, should do the trick.

I think lots of fathers have complicated feelings when it comes to sons whether they are biologically related to them or not. I experienced it first hand - my ex husband was fine with our daughters - maybe because they looked like me with having feminine features but couldn’t bond with our son. We ultimately divorced over it. I’ve read that men feel more threatened when it comes to boys than girls - that they will definitely be replaced in your affections. I saw this quote that said a mother is a sons first true love and a son is a mothers last true love. It’s really hard to articulate but my ex was definitely threatened and felt replaced. Perhaps there is some of this going on in his head compounded by the fact that he isn’t biologically his child