Am I too old

[Latetothe]

Recently miscarried our last embryo.

i am 48 this yeah and due to infertility still trying.

we have one who was born the year I turned 44. Is it immoral for me to keep trying for a second at this age.

the second is likely to have a different egg donor now.
original donor would be late 30/early 40s now

I had my second child at 38 through donor conception. I was told I couldn’t have anymore children and I felt I couldn’t let it rest until I had tried everything so I do understand where you are coming from and why you feel you want to try again. I was consumed by the idea and I know how awful infertility is.

If I could have conceived naturally I would have been a few years younger. I often feel I calculate what age I will be at certain points in her life. I’ll be 50 when she starts high school and if she has a child at the same age as me it’s unlikely I’ll be able to help with childcare etc.

Only you can decide if it’s the right thing to do but you need to weigh your needs up against any potential child and their needs.

I'm 39 now and my mum is 67. I can't imagine my mum being 87. When my gran was 87 she had advanced dementia and had been living in a nursing home with 24/7 care for three years. I wouldn't want to be dealing with that at the same time as having toddlers.

Everyone is different. Not everyone in their 80s and 90s are in care homes. It’s all luck of the draw. All the people on here who had their children young are horrified at anyone having a baby over 35. I and many of the women in my family had babies well into our 40s because that’s the way life turned out. I know mums who have died in their 30s, 40s and 50s leaving children behind. It’s daft not to do something because you might die or be a burden. We’d never do anything! If you can afford it and have plenty of love to give, go for it.

But that’s life! You do realise your mum could have dementia at 67? We all deal with the hand we’re dealt.

I had an older dad who died young. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

We all deal with the hand we’re dealt.
But op would be actively choosing to do this, it’s not something the hand of fate has thrown her way.

It doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters that your body is that of a 48 year old and you could potentially give birth when you are 50. I am 50 right now and had my kids late and like hell would I have a baby at my age! Just no.

You are not centring the child in your decision making. Kids don’t want aged parents. You’ve only got to listen to well-known people who had old parents and they are scathing when they talk about it.

I have experience of dc, infertility, multiple mc and had my one and only at 40.

I won’t comment on are you too old. But what I will say is the ectopic that took my last fertility at 42 was in some, small and weird way, a blessing.

It meant I had to stop. I couldn’t physically get back on the fertility horse because I could no longer conceive OR carry a child. It was devastating but in another way I’m only just processing, liberating.

Because I already had one young child. I had managed the impossible which for me was to become a mum in the first place.

Not being able to have another, and closing that avenue not by choice but by necessity, meant I could focus on the one I did have.

I can see how I might have wasted his childhood desperately trying for the sibling that didn’t happen and losing even more of myself along the way.

You asked so you have to be prepared for any answer. I believe you are too old.

As I’ve said a few times I regret asking a bunch of random people with no experience of donor eggs and infertility this question.

if I could delete the post I would. But just to clarify it was a mistake asking and I’m not too bothered what you think.

You might ask yourself why you’re hanging out on an area for donor eggs when you clearly have no knowledge or interest in the topic or on infertility.

i was asking that subset of people the question.

Don’t worry I’m not insulted by your answer as your absolutely no one to me.

I didn’t actively choose years of infertility and 5 miscarriages. It’s not like I haven’t been trying for a while.

Yeah this is my main concern. Not giving my current one a sibling is a big concern of mine though. I know how imp my brother and I are to each other and I wanted her to have someone else in her life.

we are unlikely to continue but am just thinking things through before shutting any doors.

I am sorry for your struggles with infertility. It’s physically and mentally draining and an ectopic pregnancy is dangerous and scary.

Im happy for you that you have your rainbow baby. And I def value mine. I never thought I’d even have her and I am def grateful for her.

Please don't listen to the negative posts.

I have a friend who conceived her daughter at 47 through IVF. Her daughter is now 18 and they are super close, it doesn't look or seem in the slightest bit strange when you seem them together.

Yes there may be additional challenges but I am sure you are already aware of those.

To want a child (or 2nd child) is an urge like no other.

Follow your heart. And good luck. X

Thank you so much

Personally, I think you will be too old. I also don't think you want to hear that anyone thinks you're too old, so not sure why you posted.

However that said, you seem to have considered what can go wrong, and the issues with your age, and you seem to be confident that those won't apply to you. So good luck to you.

I personally don’t think anyone on here can tell you if you are too old - as that’s so individual and only you know whether you feel healthy enough to cope with another child (and based on family history and lifestyle, how likely it is that you might stay healthy longer term, although obviously there are no guarantees).

But one thing that stood out for me and that I don’t think anyone has mentioned is that you said you would likely need a different egg donor? I had my only DC at 40 using a sperm donor and if my last frozen transfer doesn’t work for a sibling, I won’t be doing more IVF partially because my sperm donor is no longer donating. As much as I would love DC to have a sibling so much, I worry how siblings would feel if one donor is much more open to contact for example, than the other would be or even if one of the donors just seemed a nicer person if that makes sense? Donor conceived people often seem to have a lot of interest in their donors when older and I would hate the siblings to have any resentment about their different circumstances.

Just my personal perspective, obviously it’s not something that matters to many parents using donors. Good luck, whatever you decide ❤️

Your question was literally in the title. I didn't go searching in the donor section, it came up on active.

Don't ask a question if you only want one answer. I stated my answer in a direct way. You didn't like it. My apologies, I'm autistic and it's how I communicate, but your response was rude.

Nonetheless, I wish you well.

Yes that’s an important consideration. I guess we are slightly different as my husband would be the sperm provider either way but still an important consideration.

i do know of blended families where first is non donor and second has one donor. So I feel these things are becoming more common but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be thought through. So thanks for raising it.

Way too old in my opinion. I just can’t imagine having a baby at almost 50.

Noone gives 48 year old dads this much shit.

I know plenty of people with autism and am myself on the scale.

i had detailed by infertility issues and your comment was very insensitive given the level of difficulty I have had.

i think you can be autistic and still know your comment was insensitive.

just because your autistic doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want.

I had my second at nearly 41 and I could have managed at 48. You will spend much of your sixties being a taxi driver. In your shoes I’d do it. I’m 68 now and have not begun to slow down

I think for most clinics that do donation the age limit is 55. I had my last naturally at 42 and having had babies in my twenties, thirties and 40s I’d say I’m no worse off now than i was much younger. Go for it. I think you’ll regret not trying. Good luck my dear and don’t take the negativity to heart 💐

That's because women are the ones pregnant, giving birth and doing most of the immediate care. Men can procreate their whole lives. Once a woman cannot conceive via her own eggs - too old.

Maybe they should.**