How did you broach telling family about a donor conceived pregnancy?

[wishIwasonholiday10]

Any tips on how to tell my parents about a donor conceived pregnancy? If you have been in this situation did you tell them at the same time as announcing the pregnancy and were they supportive? I’m not sure what their attitudes to egg donation are, I know people gave a range of opinions on this. Obviously plan to tell the child so do want to be open about it. We haven’t told them we were trying for a second child so the announcement will be a surprise.

What stats are you referring to @maximalistmaximus ? Stats from 30/40 years ago and/or “stats” from Fundamentalist Christian groups in the USA? Because it can’t be the latest research from the UK. Please look at the research from Cambridge University who have been following many donor conceived families for the last couple of decades. The children were told they were DC when young btw so have always known (which makes a huge difference). Most of them afaik are also from non-anonymous donors so can potentially make future contact if they want to.

The studies show that these DC people actually do just as well as their non DC peers in all measures (educationally, emotionally etc) - and the DC children of SMBC actually often do better than their non DC peers (likely as there’s less chance of a family separation to cause issues as often can happen in a 2 parent household).

Similar research about DC families has also come out of countries like AUS and NZ. Your opinions are a good 30/40 years out of date and not reflective of the majority of DC children growing up today.

OP while I have no direct experience as my DC was conceived using donor sperm so it’s slightly different, my suggestion would be to tell your parents about the egg donation when you announce the pregnancy. I’d also suggest telling your older DC then too.

The Donor Conception Network charity have some good books on “Talking and Telling” - including picture books for young kids (which help you get used to talking about it too as you can read it to your children even when they are babies or too young to properly understand- at least that way they will always grow up from day 1 hearing the word “donor” and knowing that “Mummy and Daddy needed another ladies help to make you”).

Most adults as well as kids take their cue from your tone when telling imo - if you are bright, brisk and breezy about it “He/She is donor conceived” then most people don’t seem to react much, if at all from my experience (so far I have told all my family, friends and my DC’s teachers as I don’t want it to seem a secret or something to be ashamed of. When he’s senior school age it will be up to him if he wants to tell new teachers and friends then or not). Surprisingly the response will often be “Oh yes, so and so/my friends child/relative is donor conceived too” (I had no idea how many other DC kids were out there until I started “telling” 🤣).

If your parents seem to be struggling with it (because the theory is often harder to grasp than the reality once baby is here), then maybe discuss things like epigenitics of the womb with them and nature vs nurture.

I’m the grandparent of donor conceived children, although sperm donation. Their parent have made books with their story from one of the online photo book places. They had the books available and read to them and, as they grow their understanding of what it means does too.

As to your parents, tell them as soon as you can. Still, most people haven’t come across it and they may need info and time to understand what it means. If - unfortunately - they are unable/unwilling to accept your mode of pregnancy, you will have a very tough decision. I truly hope this isn’t the case, but you need to know now to protect your family and your child. How? Just tell them straight - I don’t have any viable eggs and want/need/love to have another child and a sibling. Because of this, we will be using a donor egg and are so grateful that someone is giving us this gift.
Good luck with all of it,

Just wanted to add another angle as to why you should def tell close family members/ friends during pregnancy rather than after birth if you can. The child may look very much like the biological donor parent.

I know someone whose (donor egg conceived) child has a shock of dark hair, both parents are very fair, and she looks nothing like either of them. It prompts the obvious innocent convo with people querying who she looks like and them having to say 'neither of us actually'. It's all fine, no drama, but presumably would be less of a 'thing' for the parents if people know up front.

Wow - why wouldn't you ?
Your dd or dil has carried them , their body has grown it , nurtured it , gave birth to it .
You have probably held it , shared life experiences with it and by then surely loved it as a gc ?
In my mind that's your grandchild .

If anyone on here has had experience with embryo donation, I would love to hear some advice on good uk agencies to use? especially with regards to donating embryos that are slightly older than the 35+ age cut off.

Sorry quoted wrong person.

Wow, this is absolutely vile. (The one about refusing to acknowledge the child in their will as a grandchild)

My only family left is my dad and a deadbeat brother and they are overseas because I moved to UK for marriage. I worried my dad wouldn’t be okay with it, and he was a bit weird at first. He thought I had a good genetic lineage I shouldn’t let go of. I said “I’m 44. What do you want me to do?” It helped that I went for egg donation in a region he has similar ethnic ancestry to so the baby would have an ethnic relationship with his side of the family. In the end, he was more fine with it than I expected and even threw some money towards expenses! I think he’s jsy happy there will finally be some new life in the family after years of traumas and hardship.

Not sure why you have to negatively disparage the USA here. MOST new scientific research comes from the USA and there are loads of positive psychological studies coming from the US. Fundamentalist Christians don’t fund the bulk of US medical research 🙄 that was a very xenophobic and bigoted remark.

FGS 🙄. Some people are determined to find something to be offended about. My son’s donor is from the US, and his donor also has donor conceived people in his own family over there. Not to mention half of my own extended family is from the US, which is why I chose a donor from there in the first place!

But it is why I’m especially aware of the Evangelical Christian or “family centered research” from over there that some people use to justify their bigotry against donor conceived people and their families. Of course there are positive studies too, but they aren’t the ones people tend to quote when they are against donor conception… do you feel better now? I’ve been on multiple donor conception posts defending donor conception, quoting people like Dr Susan Golombok because her donor conception research tends to be easy to get hold of (as her books are easily available in libraries) - but the one time you choose to engage with my posts is to accuse me of bigotry, funny that…