How did you broach telling family about a donor conceived pregnancy?

[wishIwasonholiday10]

Any tips on how to tell my parents about a donor conceived pregnancy? If you have been in this situation did you tell them at the same time as announcing the pregnancy and were they supportive? I’m not sure what their attitudes to egg donation are, I know people gave a range of opinions on this. Obviously plan to tell the child so do want to be open about it. We haven’t told them we were trying for a second child so the announcement will be a surprise.

They were 22 and 11 of course that would have a huge impact to not tell them earlier.

What the fuck. I can't believe I have read this.

that is horrible

Bad advice. From a previous century.

But it would be your grandchild, regardless of who the father was.

My dc are my dc because they grew from my eggs.

It’s basic genetics.

Re: adoption. In my extended family there was a bad experience of adoption all round. The now middle aged adult adopted child was severely harmed by the process. Everyone was left feeling tricked.

There’s a reason there’s the saying blood is thicker than water.

There are also other family members who have never met their genetic parent. I’ve seen first hand the impact on them. They grow up with so many unanswered questions. It’s cruel & selfish.

Don’t believe the brochures from those making millions out of the fertility industry. It harms all of us.

So your family’s bad experience with adoption means you think I’m not really my parents child, because we don’t share DNA?

What would you like to happen to children in need of adoption? For them to stay in the care system? Or be only fostered, never adopted? Attitudes like yours about adoption are harmful and frankly ignorant.

I hope nobody you know well adopts, or is adopted, and hears you spout such rubbish about it.

My parents are my parents. They chose me, raised me, love me unconditionally and are every bit as much my parents as they would be if we shared DNA.

I also feel a bit sorry for people like you whose love is dependent on ‘blood is thicker than water’ rather then a deeper love that goes far beyond that concept.

@maximalistmaximusWhats your view on children who are born into a family where they are biologically related to both parents and they end up growing up in toxic, abusive and confusing environments?

Should we just rule that nobody should procreate in any form to ensure that no child is ever harmed in anyway?

Just to add, I once dated someone who was adopted. He was without doubt, one of the kindest, most well adjusted and respectful people I’ve ever met. Had nothing but love and admiration for his adoptive parents and is now a great father to children himself.

I think your limited exposure to donor conception and adoption makes you very ignorant @maximalistmaximus

Obviously your choice but wow I’m amazed at that attitude

That’s a very selfish way to punish an innocent child

I hope my Dds would involve me from the very beginning of the treatment so l can support them through their infertility journey

But pretending that you love and care for that child for the rest of your life, acting as normal, sending gifts and not saying how you really feel - but having them find out the truth after you die when they realise you left them nothing - that doesn't leave unanswered questions. Is that too not cruel and selfish?

Wicked, isn’t it? Genuinely wicked.

Pretend the child is accepted but make 100% sure that upon your death they know for sure that wasn’t the case.

What a cruel person you’d have to be to do that.

And what a lasting legacy that would be for your child to remember you by. As the woman who made your child (her grandchild, though she didn’t see them that way) feel lesser than their siblings and their cousins. Feel they weren’t really part of the family despite a lifetime of being there, since birth.

It’s vile, I hope she doesn’t really have children.

I wouldnt be party to secrets and lies.

people of my view are the silent majority.

you can see by how I’ve been treated on this thread why we stay silent.

people go to huge lengths to have genetic offspring for a reason.

most countries don’t have adoption laws.

I’ve known many happy children in long term foster care and many unhappy ones who were adopted.

you shouldnt make laws based on anecdote.

the stats show children from donor gamates often have problems later on.

Secrets and lies? What is a secret / lie about adoption if the child knows, like I did, from the start that they are adopted?

You think the majority of people wouldn’t include an adopted grandchild in their will even if raised in the family from birth?

You must know a lot of cruel, awful people to believe that’s true in the majority of families.

I feel sorry for you that your love for your children is so conditional that you’d do something so hurtful should they choose to adopt and love a child.

This was in response to @maximalistmaximus
obviously.

I really like to think that if I had a close family member contemplating either donor gametes or adoption or even a blended family that I would be allowed some grace to figure out my own feelings about it. Not just be told to fall in line with how they feel about it or else I'll be declared "so mean" or equivalent.

I have a donor egg conceived daughter. It wasn’t something I chose to do lightly and my main concern was if it would/could affect her negatively in later life. After a lot of consideration, conversations with psychologist and reading into it, I came to the conclusion that as long as we were upfront about her origins from the get go then it should cause no psychological damage to her in the future. My experience with adopted children in my wider family also reassured me about this.

Before pregnancy I only told a close friend, my husband told no one. Once pregnant I told my sister. I don’t think it would’ve been that much of a shock that I was pregnant through IVF at least. I told my parents about a month or so after she was born.

Egg donation is quite a different thing to do and people can struggle to get their heads round it (5 years ago I wouldn’t have considered it). This is why I held off telling most people until after she was born. By that point they’d bonded and they already loved her as their own. I don’t think they would love her any less if they had found out during pregnancy - my sister certainly couldn’t love her more and she feels every bit her niece. But I didn’t want to give myself or them the extra stress. You can completely overthink these things when they are theoretical or the baby isn’t actually here yet, but the reality is once your baby is here it will feel completely normal, she/he will be completely yours and by extension completely their grandchild/niece/cousin.

I had concerns about how my parents would feel as on paper they wouldn’t be pro IVF and certainly not pro egg/sperm donation. I don’t suspect their views will really have changed even now, but that’s the funny thing about people, it’s never black and white - they can make exceptions, they can have a generalised stance but still be ok when something doesn’t go along with that stance. My daughter couldn’t be more loved by them and her story is what it is. They wouldn’t change her for the world.

So my advice would be tell someone through pregnancy so you have some support, someone to offload to. It’s also helps normalise the conversation. It’s been easier with every extra person I tell. I stressed about it before hand but it was always fine. For me it was right to tell parents after she was born. If it causes you more stress to keep a “big secret” then tell them now - go with your gut and it will work out, you know the personalities and dynamics!

Surely everyone on here who has had or is considering donor gametes has been counselled, and knows that you really MUST tell the children early, and often, so it’s never a big deal to them?

As in practice telling your bump. And then your tiny newborn. So it is NEVER something they are surprised by.

If your DC child is 2+ and you haven’t “told” them yet you really need to sort it out.

As for family members, think about whether you want your child to think they’re having to keep secrets in the future. It’s unhealthy to make them think their conception is something to keep quiet about.

‘Heck, my friend’s health insurance discriminated against an IVF baby - if a non IVF baby needed NICU, covered. IVF baby? No cigar. That’s fucked up, but it shows you how rife the discrimination is.’

That is because birth defects and premature births are more common in assisted pregnancies than ‘natural’ ones. An insurance company isn’t a charity, it’s a business, they assess risk and adjust their offering accordingly.

What is ‘fucked up’ in my opinion is that people would prefer to suppress the information and accept the risk on behalf of the unborn/ un conceived child .

I am waiting to be deleted, bien entendu

I agree, I didn’t explain fully in my post but it was a given that my daughter would always know. Thereby the extended family would also have to know. Yes it’s me and my daughters private medical info but little ones talk and it’s very likely that they will mention at some point to family members, it wild not be fair to the child to be met with shock or possibly told they’re talking nonesense! My rights to confidentiality went out the window because what is best for her will always trump it.

On the other hand it is also her story to tell so although I will tell nearest and dearest I’m not telling everyone I meet. Not all of my friends know. I think in terms of her friends knowing this is a conversation to be had at a later date (as in I will discuss with her what she wants to do - if she hasn’t already told them all!)

The counsellor also suggested to me telling nursery and primary teachers too. It’s all about creating an environment where the child is never made to feel that there is something shocking or “not normal”

Evidence?

Around 2% of UK children are believed to be brought up by fathers who are not aware they are not the biological father.

Around 0.5% of all UK births use donor eggs and /or sperm.

The level of morality being displayed on this thread regarding a small subset of births where one or more parents are not genetically linked is crazy.

As with many things these days we appear to be in a position whereby only one answer is deemed correct. It’s ridiculous particularly when you consider the prevailing view changes over time.

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