How to pick a donor?

[nocontactquery]

I'm struggling to make a decision whether to stick with a UK sperm donor, ensuring that it is one that does not export to outside the UK, so ensuring the 10 family limit maximum, or go for a European one which has a higher family limit (75 worldwide, although 10 still only in the UK).

The European ones have so much more information, you can see baby/toddler photos of the donor, more details about their personality, hear their voice.. sometimes even an artist's drawing of them as a adult! I feel a lot more connection to the donors I've found there..but then I keep thinking, surely it's going to be worse to grow up conceived by a sperm donor and thinking you could have 150 half siblings out there (assuming 2 children born per family) vs maybe 20 half sibling if it's under the Uk limit.

It feels like maybe the European ones are more appealing to the woman/family picking one, but not what's best for the child conceived?

What did you pick/how did you go about it? Thanks in advance - need to make a decision in the next few days, really!

Definitely a uk one. It will be hard enough knowing there is a whole side of their family they don't know (including as you say, many siblings) without adding them being half a different nationality which they have no legal citizenship in, don't really experience and will find it harder to potentially relate to who their dad is and where they come from compared to a familiarity of it being a British man.

It’s very difficult OP because what matters to you will be different to others. I don’t agree with the PP, because in my view having more photos and info from an earlier age will allow a better understanding for the child of who they are, which outweighs the overseas point (there are many people across the UK that I have absolutely nothing in common with, and know plenty of Europeans I have loads in common with).

For us, it was more important to get more information and feel a connection to then person we picked. We actually went for the USA as they had adult photos, loads of info, and very detailed genetic testing and health info. We can see the similarities between our children and the donor and for us, we felt that would be of value for our kids.

It’s such a personal decision, I don’t think there is a right or wrong as such, just what you feel will be best for your children (provided a European one allows for contact at 18, which I assume it will given you are having treatment in the UK I think).

To give an alternative view, I used a clinic in Spain (for egg donation) and they chose the donor for me. Obviously egg donors go through a more complicated process so there are unlikely to be many families although possibly some genetic half siblings out there.
But the process was and will remain anonymous and I trusted the clinic to choose a good match. Regarding their personality type or interests it was not information that I could have and I didn’t mind that as within my wider family people have varied interests sometimes aligned with their parents and sometimes not. My DC are their own person.

I will add that I know anonymous donation is seen as less than ideal but we wanted the best chance of becoming a family and are navigating this with the help of the Donor Conception Network.

Thanks for the replies.

I think I'm swayed towards UK for the lower family limit and I guess also the practicalities of the child being able to meet their donor/half siblings if they wish to do when they're an adult if they're (likely to be) all UK based.

It's such a shame as I definitely think seeing baby pictures, hearing their voice and all the other stuff would help ME pick a donor. I also imagine it would help a child when growing up to have those photos and other aspects to know more about their origins... but then on the other hand I just keep coming back to the idea that at 18+ (i.e. the vast majority of a person's life), the smaller family limit will be what matters most to them probably. Like once they're an adult it seems pretty likely if they want to contact them, they'll be able to (and half siblings) and they can see all the baby photos they want then! (I'm planning on picking a donor who makes it clear in their letter that they're open to meeting any offspring) So it kinda seems like a short-term gain for long term pain idea to go for UK donor with less info but ultimately better outcome as a adult?

For me, although I live here I’m still really glad I went with an older/more mature donor from a US bank (I discounted all the college students as I wanted to be sure they’d thought such an important decision through properly! and also would hopefully be more open to contact).

My son is still a toddler but I’m lucky enough to be in online contact with lots of my son’s donor siblings - and even with the donor himself (so I know his first name and rough location, have pictures of him and his family, lots of info on his interests and up to date health etc).

Based on what I’ve read about DC people as they grow up, I think the possibility of earlier contact with the donor and/or donor siblings is so important (obviously not every DC person wants this but many do - or at least knowing there’s the easy possibility of it when/if they are ready).

UK donors are fab for the lower family limit but personally I still don’t like how anonymised it feels here, as it doesn’t seem to be what most DC people themselves want.

The information on the UK donors was so limited we just didn’t feel comfortable going with any of them, felt like such a stab in the dark and way too anonymous for our liking.

In the end we chose a Danish donor who had a lower family limit, but also had a very large amount of information available including baby pictures, letters etc. The donor said he was very open to meeting the children if they wished to contact him when they were older, that was very important to us.

Our donor is from a Danish bank and has a family limit of 25 (10 of which can be in the UK).

They are not all as big as 75, I do agree that is quite large and would have made me a bit uncomfortable.

We didn't go with a UK bank for some of the reasons above - mostly that there wasn't enough choice or information available. We felt it more important that the child has a bit more information about who the person is, than that he lives in the UK.

Donating in the UK does not guarantee that the donor is British, and he may not even live/ remain in the UK. 18 years is a long time and anything could happen, he could move. Ours donated in Denmark but is not Danish, he was just living there at the time.

Thanks. Sorry I should have been clear that the ones I wanted only had 75 family limits. I saw some with 25 but they didn't match my colourings. (I'm darker)

I'm also conscious of things such as wanting the donor to come from a western country so I know there's no sad backstory such as being really poor and donating for the money for the family. Also wanting a broadly similar culture and them to speak English so if there's any contact in the future it would be easier. The only one I've seen suitable in the past month or so of looking in the banks with pics etc was a 75 family limit.. I'm not keen to wait too much longer.

Did you go with European sperm bank @butterflycr ? or do you mind me asking who you went with if not?

@nocontactquery I've replied in a PM :)

Laws within the EU vary from country to country. For example, egg donors are typically allowed to donate to a maximum of six families. The most detailed information I've found about egg donation is on the websites egg donation friends and egg donation abroad. You can visit their resources to learn more about the specific laws in each country.

Please no hate, I am really considering using a sperm donor I would love my own child/childeren and unfortunately I haven't found my person yet I have pcos and im not getting any younger, I would like honest opinions please not rise ones on how will I tell the child when they grow up, am I doing the right thing I have so much love to give.

We deeply regret going with UK - our donor withdrew his consent, other countries give more details, go with them