Need advice

[RiaFlutterBy]

Hello all,

I am 40 years old, 41 in a couple of months. I have an amazing 3 year old daughter and am very lucky! I have been TTC for the last 2 years. A few months ago I got pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I don’t really know where to go from here.

I am seriously considering IVF, however, I know due to my age that my own eggs are very likely to be unviable. I have been researching using donor eggs.

I was reading an old thread on mumsnet the other day, where one of the posters was actually conceived themselves via a donor, and was extremely bitter and angry about it.

This anger was directed towards the birth parents - they felt their genetic link had been purposefully severed between them and their genetic parents. They were angry for a variety of reasons, for example, any potential partner could be a half sibling, they don’t know what their hereditary health conditions may be, they felt a lack of identity, even at one point saying they wish they hadn’t been born and that their life is defined as a great big eugenics experiment.

Having read this I feel really disheartened. I hadn’t considered it from this perspective before. I’ve thought about how I would feel if the baby wasn’t genetically related to me, and I can honestly say it wouldn’t change a thing. If a carry and give birth to a baby, it is my baby!

However, having read this, I’m scared that the baby would feel like this when they grow up and will hate me, and I don’t think I could bear that.

Can anyone give me any advice? Thank you!

They probably won't hate you but they will want to know their own genetic history.
Wouldn't the IVF clinic check the viability of your own eggs and also screen for malformations?
They might be fine.
Do you have a much younger sister who would donate an egg?

Lots of these points are ones that I have made. If I’m the poster you refer to as ‘bitter and angry’ I just want to clarify that I don’t hate my parents. I have great parents and a better connection with my non bio parent than the one I’m related to. However multiple things can be true at once.

I do worry about the lack of health information for myself and any children. I worry they could end up dating a cousin. It’s not ok to intentionally deny someone information about their heritage and identity, their medical history, and their biological family. Thankfully DNA testing has made it really easy to track down family members and reunite. If you wouldn’t support a child with this then I would not proceed.

Im in multiple groups for DC people, and I’m yet to meet one that thinks it’s ok to use anonymous donors. Please find a known donor which is entirely possible and in the child’s (and eventual adults) best interests. It’s not ok to wait until 18 for a name and address (which may or may not even be current). It’s actually very harmful to deny people information, and the identity forming years can be tough. More so if you already have a genetic child as they are set up on unequal footing.

I will also add that I’m going through IVF myself so I fully understand how awful infertility is but knowing how complex being DC is, it’s not something that I would ever do. I think a lot of people try and heal their infertility trauma by turning to donors but being DC comes with it’s own trauma.

The industry is also highly unethical and you’ll see people talk about the UK family limits etc. what they don’t tell you is that gametes can be shipped to and from the uk and this circumvents the family limits. When people go abroad to use a donor they are adding additional problems as the cultural identity aspect is even more pronounced. Additionally many countries still use anonymous donors which is a human rights violation in law.

I am not saying this to make you feel any way, but I like to be honest about my experience as I try to advocate for change and for the best interests of donor conceived people. If you’re going to use a donor please use a known donor who is prepared to answer questions as your child grows up, and avoids them having questions that can’t be answered which can be really hard to deal with.

Hello, thank you both for your replies.

Endomummy - apologies I didn’t mean to cause offence by the “bitter and angry” comment to the original poster. Thank you for sharing your experience. It is really helpful as when researching online you tend to just find one sided information, and I hadn’t even considered these points previously!

Can I ask when you say a known donor, do you mean a friend or family member, or is this a type of service that clinics offer? I don’t have anyone I could ask really.

I haven’t seen anyone or been to a clinic yet, I am just doing some research. So I might be able to proceed with my own eggs. It’s just that the % chance of having a baby with my own eggs are much less than with a donor, and I don’t have unlimited funds to keep trying with my own eggs if unsuccessful.

So I started looking into donor eggs and thought it seemed like a good idea, but then came across the previous poster I mentioned and it has really given me doubts and things to consider. I must add that I didn’t mean to sound as though I was complaining about the previous poster, I actually found the post extremely helpful, but also disappointing at the same time.

Have you contacted the Donor Conception Network Charity or read Susan Golombok’s research to try to get more perspectives from/about DC people? Remember some haven’t been told they were DC till they were older and/or they also had an anonymous donor and this seems to make a really big difference for most.

Unfortunately while it might be an ideal to use a “known” donor who could be available for questions while the child is growing up- that isn’t possible for most people for egg donors (and for sperm donors can mean traversing donor Facebook groups or forums where there have been plenty of horror stories for both mother and child).

So imo the best thing you can do if you need to use a donor and don’t have a friend that could help, is to choose a non- anonymous donor from a bank whose last contact information your child will be able to access at 18. I do wish the laws were stricter about donors needing to update their information and I do think that DC people should be able to access this information younger than 18 (hopefully the HFEA will eventually approve this). But at the moment it is what it is.

If you go for a British bank then you should in theory have the benefit of lower half- sibling numbers (if any, as egg donors don’t always produce that many eggs). But I wouldn’t think most British egg banks would export anyway due to the big waiting lists already? But if you go for an international one you will likely have much more information about the donor and may even be able to make contact earlier as cultural norms can differ.

I went with an American bank for donor sperm (not eggs admittedly) and am in online contact with my toddler sons donor, though I realise I am quite lucky in this - but it’s certainly the norm with international sperm banks to be able to make early contact with some of your children’s half siblings if wanted via forums. I would suppose this would be the same for egg donors? (although I have no experience of this myself- hopefully someone might come along who has).

Good luck, whatever you decide- it’s great that you are doing research for the child’s sake before taking such a big step.

I wouldn’t rule your own eggs out yet. I’m with a clinic who treat up to age 44 with own eggs.

I would avoid international banks. The checks are minimal, any health information is usually self reported and not verified, the family limits don’t apply, and as a DCP it’s really messed up to be disconnected from your siblings and find they are half way across the world. I do not think this is in the best interests of any DCP.

I have noticed that biological mothers are usually more curious and keen to connect with their children in comparison to sperm donors so hopefully this will help the child.

There is a misconception that ‘love is enough’ and I just want to say you never know how your child is going to feel about their conception, love doesn’t compensate for the disconnection and lack of identity/health information/relationships with family. My parents are my parents, but my donor is also my parent, and my siblings are just as much my siblings as those I was raised with.

I would also focus on traits rather than looks as you’ll find many DCP don’t ’fit in’ with their family personality wise and this makes it more difficult when family members can’t relate (pun not intended…). I find it bizarre people are so focused on looks and I suppose that’s where the eugenics come into it and it’s a weird feeling knowing that you only exist because your donor has the ‘right’ eye/skin/hair colour, and that it was a transactional thing.