Fertility-feeling lost

[GuideMe123]

Sorry it’s a long one…..Feeling a little lost and just so uncertain about what path to take.
Just turned 40. Husband is infertile. Have just had confirmation that we can have 3xIUI and 1xIVF on NHS with donor sperm. My AMH is 5.4 and seems to be dropping quite rapidly now. I have high FSH.
The last year has been so tough in getting my husbands diagnosis, and the added complication of potential health issues he could have in the future from this. The thought of going through IVF with low chances and the added risks of being an older mum really do fill me with dread. But this is the last chance saloon for carrying a child. I know we can’t predict the future but what if my future self hates me for not taking this chance. And what if failed treatment breaks me.
I feel blessed that I was so lucky to finally meet my soul mate and think just maybe our path and future has been mapped differently and our dream of having children comes in a different way.

Maybe. The hard thing is that noone knows but you. We had a difficult path, but I did not have the (sensible) idea that maybe ours was a different path. I was obsessed with being pregnant. I did 8 rounds of icsi, including one with donor eggs. I spent over 100k. I just couldn't conceive of the idea that I could do anything else.

I have 2dc and I love them to pieces. But they came with such a cost to my mental health, relationship etc.

But would I do it differently again? I don't think I would. That urge was just all consuming.

@GuideMe123 Firstly, I’m so sorry that you’re both going through this. It’s such a hard journey to be on and I completely understand you. Like PP said, only you and your partner know the answer to this one, but is there an opportunity to see help via therapy? I think having someone that’s not involved but experienced in these situations and can help guide you, can be invaluable. Even if it is just confirmation of what you already think, or someone to help you put yourself back together after trying or deciding not to try. I don’t envy you, or the decision you have to make but I wish you all the strength in the world! Something that helped me get through was knowing that no matter what happens, you will have a great life. It will just be different to how you might have imagined 💓

I was almost 41 and had a similar amh to you when I had my son (also with donor sperm since I’m a SMBC) . Though It did take multiple rounds of IUI’s and 2 rounds of IVF for me to conceive . Hopefully you’ll be successful sooner.

As for the older mum thing - I’m afraid to say that I didn’t find the fertility treatments or even the birth half as tough as the sleepless nights and stresses that come once they are actually here 🤣 .

I don’t think society judges older mothers as much any more, there’s quite a lot of us about now! It’s just how you manage to cope with it that’s so individual - personally I found the realities of motherhood much more physically and mentally exhausting than I imagined, but I have no idea if that’s due to my age - or more likely it’s just me! But I’m still so very grateful I did it and to have him - he’s just amazing 🤩

If you are planning on using donor gametes, you’ll need to have mandatory fertility counselling first at your clinic before you decide to go ahead. It is really worth both you and your husband discussing your particular situation with the counsellor - that’s what they are there for and they will be used to people having mixed emotions going into fertility treatment. Good luck, whatever you decide to do

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. There is no manual for this! The 'norm' and what majority of your friends and family know is that you have sex and have babies! When things don't work like that, very few can advise, unless they have been through similar.
We TTC 12yrs, no cause for sub-fertility found and lost 3 pregnancies. The very final consultant I spoke to asked whether I'd considered donor eggs. Well no, I hadn't ever considered that, because no had ever said it might be needed!'

I had rounds of IVF in my early 40's and the last round- I didn't get pregnant. I did look into donor eggs, and in the end, we decided against, it. I'm unsure if sperm donorship is the same, but in the UK, when I looked into egg donors, the child could look for their biological parent when 18. If the eggs had been donated in Spain, and certain other countries, then the biological parent was apparently, completely anonymous. The only caveat being if there was DNA testing in future which linked them- like ancestry.com/23 and me etc. I you do do down this path, ensure you both have counselling.

I have a fantastic husband and life. Its just a different life to the one I assumed I'd always have and without living children. x

Hi OP. Not sure if you're still looking for replies on this or if you've already made your decision. I'm in my mid 30's and was in a similar boat to you - DH had no chance of fathering a biological child. We tried a couple of rounds of ICSI with his sperm, but there was just no chance. It didn't work and the results were very, very poor. So we moved onto a donor.

What I would really recommend is, if you do go for it with a donor, skip the IUI.

I had 9 rounds of IUI with good quality donor sperm, as a healthy, fertile woman in my early/mid 30's. None were successful. The chance of IUI working each time is <10% (and even lower when you reach 40). It's like throwing a dart with a blindfold and hoping it hits, and the disappointment each month is awful.

For you, with your age and your low AMH, I think it's unlikely that IUI will work.

I am now pregnant after my very first round of IVF with donor sperm - that was what I needed.

If you can, just skip the IUI and go straight to IVF. Also, ask for PGTA testing of the embryos if you do IVF (even if you have to pay for it, if you're able to, it's worth it). It decreases the chance of miscarriage and significantly increases the chance of a healthy embryo implanting.

Also, NHS treatment is not great. Our ICSI was with the NHS and there was a stark contrast when we went private. I don't know if you can afford it but if you can, I'd recommend you go straight to IVF at a well rated, private facility.

Good luck whatever you decide.