Quick advice - talking to young relatives about donor conception

[CalonHapus]

In normal times, we would have planned ahead for this (i.e. by buying the leaflet from the Donor Conception Network) but it's very early days with our baby and we're sleep deprived so everything non-essential has basically gone out of the window 😬

We're going to a family party this afternoon and we've just realised that if one of our young relatives asks something along the lines of 'who is the baby's father?', we haven't yet figured out what we should say to them. Does anyone have any quick advice?

Age range is 6-10. We have no idea what (if anything) their parents might have said to them already - DW comes from quite a religious / socially conservative culture. I'm not 100% sure if the younger kids realise that I am anything other than DW's 'friend'.

To be honest you may find they don't even ask. Children learn about different families at school. One of my friends has a donor conceived child with her girlfriend and I just said, x and y are the mummy's and they are a family. They accepted it. Most children that age won't know the ins and outs about how children are actually conceived yet. I wouldn't worry. I would just say, you are a family.

Sorry just realised this is on the donor conception board on active - I don't have any experience of telling children (other than my own for my friend) so feel free to ignore me.

Thank you so much - this is really helpful (and reassuring!)

At primary school the children learn how families come in all shapes and sizes. This includes mummy and daddy or 2 mummies or 2 daddies or single parents or grandparents or in foster care etc etc.
They learn about how babies grow but not the mechanics until late Y5 or 6 so they probably won't bat an eyelid. Although depending on the children they will either be desperate for a cuddle or totally uninterested

No apologies necessary! This is my first time posting on mumsnet so I've possibly used the wrong board.

I feel so much less worried about it now - thank you 😊

How are you planning to tell your dc? I'd use the same age appropriate language for young relatives so your narrative is consistent over the next few years as your dc grows and talks to cousins.
For now you could say (if asked) that the father is a kind man who wanted to help you become mums.

We're planning to buy the 'our story' book from the Donor Conception Network so we can read it to DD from a young age. We're also going to buy the 'telling and talking' booklet and follow the advice in that. We thought we had a while as she's currently only a few weeks old but obviously we hadn't factored in other children in the family.

Your suggestion of what to say on this occasion (if asked) is really helpful - thank you so much!

They probably won't ask, or their own parents will have explained in advance.

We've just said DC doesn't have a mum and a dad, she has two mums instead. Most children are content with that as an explanation, but if not we say she has a donor, and if pressed further we say a donor is a kind man who helped us to have a baby. Beyond that it's "ask your parents" territory and change the subject!

On the socially conservative point - our DC managed to make friends with the child from the most religious and socially conservative background on their first day of school. I was a bit concerned but that child's family have been nothing but lovely even though it was clear at first that this was not quite what they had been expecting!!

@LauraMipsum On the socially conservative point - our DC managed to make friends with the child from the most religious and socially conservative background on their first day of school. I was a bit concerned but that child's family have been nothing but lovely even though it was clear at first that this was not quite what they had been expecting!!

Aww, I love this!!

Thanks for sharing how you've approached these kinds of questions - really helpful 😊

My son is donor conceived (egg donor) and I work in the same field, I was really excited about the day he started to ask and he did one day in the car on the way home from nursery, I started my big prepared speech about how different families are made and started with how some people have 2 mummies and some have 2 daddies and he told me he already knew that bit as nursery told him, then earlier this year he started asking questions about my work and what I did, we talked for a while and when I asked him if he had any questions he asked how much I got paid!

They really don't seem that phased kids these days!