Donating sperm whilst in a commited relationship

[PeachDog]

I just wanted some advice. I've been in a long term relationship with my partner for 3 years. I don't want children and due to his long term mental health problems he's decide he'll "probably never be healthy enough" to raise children himself. He's now decided he wants to donate sperm. Which initially, I was fine with, until he explained that the donor children (which could potentially be up to 10 children) could contact him one day once they turned 18 years old and he'd be open to a relationship, if thats what they wanted. I think I'd feel a little better about the situation if his motivates were different. He said he wants to donate because he has this "natural urge to procreate and carry on his family genetics". I just feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Producing children without having to raise them and then potentially having a relationship when they're grown up. Obviously it's his body and his decision. Am I being unreasonable for feeling upset? Potentially meeting his offspring one day and feeling resentment because I wasn't enough or that I didn't want any children small or grown in my life...

I doubt he'll be a candidate with long term mental illness.

This

If he managed to get through the screening and still wanted to do it, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t want to be opening the door to his long lost DC in 20 years either.

He won't have a fatherly relationship with them, they will already have their own parents. it would be more of a distant uncle. You presumably have no objection to him having neices and nephews or younger cousins that might knock on the door?

If I was considering donor sperm, there's NO WAY I would select a donor who's had mental illness issues. I think it's verging on irresponsible and I would really hope he couldn't get through the screening process. I hope he doesn't try to hide that from them

Apologies, I should have mentioned his mental health is PTSD. It's not hereditary

I have one child through donor sperm, and am expecting another imminently. When I was choosing a donor I didn’t look twice at profiles where there was any mention of mental health problems, or where the donor answered the “what’s your motivation” question with anything like “because I want my genes to go forth” or similar. It gave me the ick because it’s so self absorbed and doesn’t give any consideration to the recipients or children resulting from the donations.

From memory less than 10% of potential donors pass the screening. The quality standards are very strict, there’s counselling, tests for genetic conditions and infectious diseases, and it takes months. Donors can donate to up to 10 families in the UK. Families can have more than one child and some UK sperm banks export so the 10 child cap you’re imagining isn’t actually real.

Also, as mentioned by another poster, the donor would not have a “parental” relationship with offspring when they turn 18. They already have families.

I don't think this really matters, OP. If he's suffering mental health issues he's unlikely to be approved.

"I'm way too bonkers to ever be able to raise my own children, but here, have my sperm then you can raise them alone" ps. May be open to a 'relationship' with said offspring despite never knowing them or the mum. Potentially dozens of them, for all over the globe.
Yeah, great plan. What mug would want his bloody family bloodline or whatever tosh he was chatting to justify it?!
I'd leave.

it's ten families so up to 20 plus offspring in the uk and potentially more abroad (uk family limits don't apply to exported sperm).

anyone can lie about mental health issues when they are donating. You don not have to prove your medical history. It's self declared.

ij a way I applaud him for going into sperm donation with the willingness to have a relationship with the kids when they're older and if that is what they want. It's what many donor conceived people want and it's the way donor conception is heading.

i can see why it would be tricky for you and it's not a decision he should make unilaterally. He may also end up disappointed if the offspring don't want any form of relationship.

So much that feels problematic. Firstly, his reasoning ' a natural urge to procreate and carry on his family genetics". I just find this bizarre. I want to carry on my lineage but have fuck all to do with rearing them.

Secondly, who knows how he will feel years down the line when one or more of the children he has fathered come to find him. Maybe he won't feel like having a relationship with them which would be devastating for them.

And the fact that he could father up to 10 different children. If 10 different children come knocking down the line, is he seriously going to make time to build some sort of a relationship with everyone of them?

My husband is currently donating sperm and I am completely fine with it.

However, his motivation is to help other people become parents - we already have kids.

If I had been completely against the idea, my husband would not have gone ahead - as you say, it's possible that a bunch of 18 year olds make contact in the future so it does impact on you too, potentially.

@Blacknailer That is so lovely of you and your husband. My DC is also from a married sperm donor with their own children already. They also say they view it as just another way to help people (they already do a lot of volunteer work in their community). I’m so grateful they donated - and because my donor was from a US sperm bank (where sometimes they can be more open to making early online contact) I was able to tell them so and we could exchange photos and information about our families. I hope the families you’ve helped will be able to do the same thing with you in future and you can see what a wonderful gift you’ve given them.

I hadn't thought about it but that would be lovely!