Donor Egg Babies - How was bonding for you?

[BabyOnBoard99]

I’m midway through pregnancy, about to have the anomaly scan. I’ve not felt very connected to the pregnancy at all so far but think that’s been mainly due to past recurrent losses (including one later than this) rather than lack of a genetic link.

I’m curious to hear how things were for others. Did you feel bonded to your baby before they were born? And afterwards?

Hi OP, I work with pregnant ladies and it’s actually common for mums with their own eggs to not have ‘bonded’ or feel connected at this point, I’ve spoken to mums who really didn’t like the feel of the baby moving - myself included.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself or over think it. When baby is in your arms you will feel differently

I was similarly not particularly connected with my pregnancy mainly because I absolutely could not believe that there was any possible way I was actually going to end up with a baby at the end of it. So I was initially a bit baffled from that standpoint when I did in fact have one, but that was nothing to do with having used donor eggs. I didn't get the whole 'rush of love' thing but again, I was more in 'fuck me, I actually did have a baby!?' mode. It took a little while - like a few weeks, I think? - to get to the ohmigodIreallyreallyloveyou point. Possibly not helped by giving birth at the beginning of the first lockdown and everything just generally being weird.

Four years on, I honestly don't think that much about having used donor eggs. I don't forget it, I'm very grateful to the donor and I chat to my son about his origins often. But it's not something that seems to have been a barrier for us, thus far.

There's one respect where I actually find it helpful, which is that I've come to perceive the job of any parent as parenting the child they actually have, a child who will be their own unique self; and doing that may involve examining and setting aside expectations, preconceptions, and things you'd pictured for/about them. And I somehow feel that it's very, very slightly simpler for me to be on that journey of 'Who are you? You're so cool! How can I help you to be you?' than if I were related to my son, because I'm not subconsciously assuming he's likely to be like me. Not sure if I explained that at all well but I hope it made some sense!

Best of luck to you, OP, and congratulations!

Thank you both for your replies.

@Persipan I am similar in that I tend to think having live babies is something other people do, not me. People will notice my bump and say, ‘You’re having a baby!’ I find myself responding with, ‘Yeah, yeah, I’ll believe it when it happens. I’ve been here before and it didn’t lead anywhere good.’

Like you it was a long road to get to a viable pregnancy. I'd become an expert in managing my expectations and didn't really want to over invest emotionally until after 20 weeks, and even then i was a bit pessimistic. My donor possible son is now 20 weeks and a joy. I was so relieved when he arrived - our baby to take home, perfect, and bonus benefits of not having to do anymore ivf!
every pregnancy is the woman's own, there's no right or wrong way to feel. You're doing great x