Starting TTC… how to find the right donor

[CarlyChronicles]

So I’m in my early 20s, am a lesbian so looking for sperm donor. I would really prefer a known donor as I know some people who are donor conceived themselves and they say it’s preferable - in terms of getting up to date medical info and them being able to ask questions as a child etc - but I totally understand how for the hopeful parent, an anonymous donor feels safer.

For anyone who used a known donor, how did you find them? I don’t know any men who I’m close enough to to ask this. I’ve been looking on coparents.co.uk but I can’t quite tell how real it is, too many men seem to be just looking for NI.

Honestly just looking for any general advice or encouragement, I don’t have any friends TTC and only a couple of friends who have children, feels a bit scary not having anyone to talk to about this.

A known donor is usually someone who is already known to the person wanting to conceive, like a friend.

In your situation, if you are trying to find a known donor, well, that isn't really someone you know - that is a stranger who you are going to have a child with.

This is an entirely different ball game because that person could be anyone, they might be doing it for all kinds of reasons which are often dubious (like 'natural insemination' i.e. sex), especially if you are meeting them online.

This is the route that some people choose to go down, but it's very risky both for yourself and potentially for the child, for lots of reasons.

90% of these men are simply after sex, another 9% think they are something special and want to spread their genes to thousands of people, and 1% might be in it for the right reasons. If they exist, those men are very hard to find.

In your situation, if you don't already have someone in mind who might be a potential donor, then the safest thing is to go through a clinic.

Yes i always thought known donor was a term used for sperm donation from someone you already know and trust. You seem to be seeking someone to donate sperm, be known to you and the child but not co-parent?
honestly there is lots of variety in the literature about donor children and how they feel etc, there seems to be lots of factors.
i wonder if this is the right time for you to be doing this? Are you single? Just feels quite young to me (at the other end of the reproductive age spectrum) and i wonder what life would be like for you and child practically right now?

Ps it could well be that all the rules change soon anyway Donor anonymity changes

Possibly my thought process is less common than I’ve realised - I know a few donor conceived people and all bar one were conceived like that. It also might be my language because it is more of a matter of a donor who isn’t anonymous rather than a known donor maybe.
I know I’m young but I’m finically stable, in a great job and have been living independently for years. I work with children and have been a carer for disabled adults. I don’t think it would feel so young if I were with a man and became pregnant without having to be so intentional about it.

We used a donor from London Sperm Bank. All of the medical history for the donor and his family (up to grandparents) was available to us. So if it’s medical stuff you’re worried about then i wouldn’t shy away from using banks.

Well there is still the planning on being a single mum aspect. Why the rush here?

Is planning to be a single mum in your 20s worse than planning to be a single mum in your 30s or 40s? There’s not a huge rush, I'm not saying I’m going to get pregnant from any stranger I can find with no planning straight away. But I want a child, I’m at a solid point in my life where I could support one.
If I was concerned with a relationship I’d be looking for a woman who wants to have kids sooner rather than later but that just isn’t something that bothers me. Either it will happen or it won’t.

That’s good to know, that is a big part of what concerns me is the kid having a right to access their own medical information, it sounds like you felt reassured you had all the info you could need!

Yeah we felt very reassured and it was a very easy process. They also have information as to whether the sperm is suitable for IUI and IVF or just one or the other. I’d check them out!