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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

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Original poster

Partner pressure to conceive via egg donation

17 replies

fluxx · 03/11/2023 19:09

Hello all,
My partner (40M) and I (39F) have been trying to conceive for the past ~2 years with no luck. We had previously agreed we did not want children, but my partner had a change of heart and I agreed to give it a try. I never really felt the urge to have children, but am also not fully against the idea, am somewhat curious but still by no means do I feel a great need for it.

We've now this year tried IUI three times with no luck, and just completed our 2nd (and last) round of IVF on the NHS. I think am ready to call it quits here, but my partner is now pressuring me to use an egg donor. I dont want to disappoint him, as this is something he now deeply wants, but on the other hand I am worried that since it is not really something I want, how will I feel about the child after using a donor? Will I be able to love it? Im worried that I may on some level resent it, as it would not be biologically mine, and felt pressured into it by my partner. But on the other hand, he is telling me that because I have carried it I will feel very attached to it. I'm worried that is quite a high risk to take, but I could also imagine it could be true. Have other women been through this? Do you feel connected to your donor child, even if it's not fully 'yours', or wasn't something you were 100% certain you wanted?

To be clear, when we started trying naturally, I was all in for it but I think over time my excitement has faded, and now left with the choices in front of me I feel mostly fear and ambivalence.
We have also been talking with a counsellor, just in case anyone is worried, I'm just looking for some more first hand experiences and advice :)

OP posts:

FloweryFlump · 03/11/2023 19:31

I can relate to your thought process and reservations. I went through donor conception 14 years ago and have a gorgeous young man to show for it. At no point did I feel he wasn't "mine" and honestly I agonised all through my pregnancy about all these hypothetical situations ( none of which has ever materialised.)

I've name changed for this thread, happy to answer any questions if I can be of help. 🥰

Hocuspocustoasty · 03/11/2023 19:39

Honestly reading your post I’m not sure this is about the donor egg. It sounds like you have fatigue from the long two years of trying. Why don’t you suggest to your partner that you take a 6 month break just to enjoy life again as a couple and then revisit things then?

Gloschick · 03/11/2023 19:44

There are lots of people on the ttc over 40 threads who use egg donors, so if you take a look at those, you will get to see their experiences. Overall they seem to be positive.
One good thing about egg donation is that there isn't the same time pressure as ttc with your own eggs. Why don't you take a year off ttc then revisit the issue feeling refreshed. Conceiving a baby under pressure from your DP is never a good way to start.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 03/11/2023 21:45

Also have a beautiful young adult through donor egg. I've always talked to them honestly about it. So they know that I am not their biological mum, but we have a great relationship. It's made no difference to them and I. Now my ex their dad - he thought it gave him greater rights. I wasnt expecting that and family court didnt agree with that position at all.

Christine7 · 03/11/2023 22:00

I would strongly advise you NOT ago have a baby ( by whatever means ) if you don’t really want to. And your clearly don’t. you are somewhat curious and not totally against it.

It’s ok to feel like this if you are trying a new sport or hobby. But it’s madness to go ahead and create a whole new human being that you will be 100% responsible for for the next 20 years .

This will fundamentally and irrevocably change your life forever. remember that however keen your partner seems now, if you relationship doesn’t work out YOU will be left holding the baby.

If parenting isn’t as much fun as he thought it would be, it’s YOU who will be taking up the slack.

you should speak to your counsellor alone and tell her / him how you feel.

SecondUsername4me · 03/11/2023 22:02

I think you've put your body through am awful lot for something that he seems to want more than you. Its OK to say "I'm done".

He can then either work on accepting that or find himself a new partner.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/11/2023 22:06

You sound done with trying to me.

Don't do something this permenant for anyone but yourself op.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 03/11/2023 22:06

It does feel as though he’s decided he’s going to use your body to have a baby no matter what the cost because he wants one. Do you think this a fair assessment or not?

TicTacNicNak · 03/11/2023 22:17

Have the doctors said there's anything wrong with the quality of your own eggs OP?

I agree with previous posters. You shouldn't agree to continue further unless you're 100% keen on having a baby. Don't be pressured into anything you don't want by your partner. Being 'curious' isn't enough. Maybe your strength of feeling would change if you got pregnant.....but possibly it wouldn't. It's not necessarily a case of 18 years and they're gone. Mine are 22 and 24 and still at home, as they can't afford their own places.

menopausalmare · 03/11/2023 22:25

My friend loves her egg donor twins. They are definitely 'hers' but it was something she really wanted, not her partner pressuring her.

Voteva · 03/11/2023 23:10

IVF and the road that led to it is so exhausting and traumatic. Painful in every way. I only did one round before I stopped for my own sanity (and as I needed to focus on the child I did have).

I can’t tell you if you want a child. I felt the urge to have another one like a desperate hunger. If you aren’t feeling that way perhaps it isn’t a path to continue pursuing. Being a mother is very very hard work, for years, with no break, and men do not do their share.

Or, perhaps you want a child but have become emotionally numb from the disappointments, I don’t know.

Eggs decline in quality very fast in our thirties but if you are now at the stage of using a donor egg, there is less rush. A donor pregnancy might do well at age 41, or 42. I suggest you take a break from it all. Tell your partner you are mentally and physically exhausted and need a break from drugs and treatments before making any more decisions or attempts and park the discussion for 3-6 months while you recover is my suggestion. If during that time you decide you will not put yourself through this hideous process and uncertainty anymore, that’s ok.

I do think men have a tendency to just throw money at the problem and not appreciate how very awful the process is for a woman.

Voteva · 03/11/2023 23:13

I only know one woman who had a baby when she was curious and unsure about it but her husband desperately wanted one.

The husband walked out on her with no warning when the baby was five weeks old. She spent the next 20 years being a broke single working mum.

RedCoffeeCup · 03/11/2023 23:16

OP, think really carefully about going ahead with this. It sounds like it's more that you're not sure if you want a baby at all, not just that you're worried about the egg donor thing. Please don't have a baby just to please your partner.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/11/2023 23:20

Voteva · 03/11/2023 23:13

I only know one woman who had a baby when she was curious and unsure about it but her husband desperately wanted one.

The husband walked out on her with no warning when the baby was five weeks old. She spent the next 20 years being a broke single working mum.

This sadly happens more often than you would like to think.

Original poster

fluxx · 04/11/2023 13:43

Thank you all for the thoughtful messages, definitely given me a lot to think about. Still of course not clear on what I want to do, but I will definitely not be rushing into anything too quickly. I appreciate your help and taking the time to share your experiences 💞

OP posts:

Colinswheels · 04/11/2023 14:07

My second child was conceived via donor egg following secondary infertility. There is no difference in the love I feel for her in comparison to her older sister who is genetically related to me, she is just as much my daughter. However, I desperately wanted a second child and was the driving force in deciding to go ahead with donor conception which sounds different to your situation.

jumphopskip · 04/11/2023 14:52

Hi @fluxx I'm currently expecting a donor egg DC. I didn't go into it feeling 100% sure about this route - many, many women don't. My take on it is that in pursuing donor conception we all take a leap and hope for the best. That being said, I found it very hard to let go after failed own egg rounds, and it sounds like you're more at peace with this than I was.

I'd recommend following Definingmum on Insta - you could also join her members group 'Paths to Parenthood' for a few months - there's a cost to it, but she has lots of webinars on donor conception, including chats with psychologists.

Lastly, I wouldn't recommend waiting to go for it until you're 100% sure. There are many, many women I've come across who have agonised over using donor eggs for years, which has taken up so much head space and the longer they think about it the harder the decision seems to become. I would sit with the idea for say the next six months to a year, and then see how your feelings have changed, if at all. But I wouldn't spend years pondering it.

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