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On the Mumsnet Donor Conception forum, you can discuss sperm and egg donation with people in the same situation.

Donor conception

Sperm donation UK

7 replies

Charis1503 · 16/09/2023 15:56

I'm seriously considering leaving my partner because he does not want another baby. We have 2 great kids together age 7 and 3.

I am the kids primary care giver. Dad works long hours and doesn't really show any interest in them. This topic has somewhat fractured out relationship so something has to budge. I cannot spend the rest of my life wishing I'd done this.

I've tried talking him round but he won't budge. Tricking him is out the question because as much as his decision kills me, it's his decision and I need to respect that.

So where do I start? How much would it be? I'm 35. I wouldn't want the donor involved. I am financially stable and can afford another child.

I don't even know where I would begin looking or who to contact?

OP posts:
YellowHatt · 16/09/2023 16:10

Have you tried therapy to help you find happiness in everything you already have?

But if you seriously want to leave him and use a donor my advice would be to start speaking to clinics. They’ll let you know the banks they usually use. In the UK you can’t have donor sperm delivered to your home, you have to use a clinic. Don’t be tempted to diy it with some random man, there are health and legal risks.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 16/09/2023 16:12

Have you considered the effect this may have on your current children?

PrincessOfTigger · 16/09/2023 16:45

I’m a SMBC, I recommend starting by talking to clinics.

Charis1503 · 16/09/2023 17:14

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat absolutely. My kids are happy and well provided for. If he was a hands on dad and I was potentially going to break up a happy home just for my desires then I wouldn't be considering this.

Their dad does the very bear minimum and I am basically a sole care giver. I imagine they may have a much nicer time going to see their dad every other weekend and him actually having to spend time with them. He hasn't enjoyed the younger years as finds them noisy, stressful and irritating. Despite the fact that I do EVERYTHING. I think he probably resents them which is why he isn't up for a 3rd.

I'm not happy, I have this huge dark cloud over me and am always distracted and thinking about my longing for this 3 rd child. I don't want them growing up with a mum that was always sad. This feels like the only option for everyone to be happy.

Since loosing our first baby I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to get over it. I am currently under a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist to help accept what I currently have and to be happy with it but my longing for another baby is all consuming.

I just want me and the kids to be happy. I think my partner would probably be relieved if I leave as it means the years of discussions around a 3rd will be over.

OP posts:
Anotheranxiousone · 25/09/2023 21:15

Following with interest - no experience but I’m having similar thoughts myself

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 03/10/2023 17:19

I'm a SMBC of 1 DC by donor sperm. I'd consider joining the Donor Conception Network charity to see if they can put you in touch with any other single Mums who have used sperm donation for subsequent siblings to get their take on it/help. I don't think you'll get many replies on Mumsnet as I think the majority of parent/s who have donor conceived children either do it to have their first/only child(ren), or often seem to be couples wanting a sibling for their first biological DC (so both DC will have the same parental experience- Mum and/or Dad just won't be biologically related to the 2nd child).

Imo it is quite a risky thing to do in your case - because your third child would be in a different situation to your other children that it could lead to resentment towards their siblings (and yourself). Okay, your DC's dad sounds like a rubbish "weekend" type Dad, but at least they know all about him - his name, what he looks like, can ask him questions about himself and his family etc and he'll probably pay some child support, birthday and Christmas presents, spend some time with them (even if it's not much). It might not be the ideal, but it still would be very different to what your third child would get to have.

I'm not saying definitely don't do it , just that you are lucky enough to already have two kids (so they already get to have that sibling experience for good or bad!) and it might not be "fair" on the third child to be so different.

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 03/10/2023 17:31

Oh and as for costs - as a pp said, you sadly can't get sperm from banks delivered to home anymore (and trying to make private arrangements with men can be very risky in terms of risks of STI'S, genetic disorders, sexual assault etc as well as legal implications for the child if you are a single woman). Initial fertility investigations at a clinic can average several hundred for blood tests and consultation (plus extra for scans) then IUI including sperm is about £2000 (but has a lower chance of success), IVF with donor sperm anything from £5000 to £8000 plus depending on what med dose they suggest, and whether you have extra embryos to freeze or have lots of "add on" tests.

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