Telling your child

[JackT]

Hi there, we’re looking for advice about talking to our child about how we came to have him, which was using donor sperm and donor eggs.

He is 4.5 years old and I’m wondering about whether he’ll talk about it when he goes to school and could that cause him problems with other kids? I think that we would prefer it to remain private but I don’t want him feeling ashamed about it either.

if anyone has gone through this, I would appreciate some insight.

Thanks

"It takes a seed from a man and an egg from a lady to make a baby. Sometimes two people who want to have a baby very much don't have a seed/egg. A very kind person can give them one of their eggs or seeds to help them make their baby. That person is called a donor" - or something like that. My DD is donor conceived.

Def keep it simple and age appropriate. Not some big secret to be sat down and announced whilst they're at high school.

And I honestly don't see any reason why it would be an issue at school. There are so many different families. His class will likely have a child who is adopted/fostered, with same sex parents, conceived via IVF, single parents, etc. It really isn't a big issue.

We have a book, Making a Baby by Clare Owen, that explains all the different ways a baby can be made.

The Donor Conception Network do 'Our Story' picturebooks for many different family situations, plus telling and talking resources: https://dcnetwork.org/catalog/books-children

I think you can introduce it into the conversation naturally when he starts to get curious about how babies are made. So I certainly wouldn’t be keeping it a secret.

Heritage wise I think it would be completely natural to be curious about his genetics as he ages. I don’t know how much information you are told when it’s donor sperm/eggs. Do they allow you more information now in regard to who donated? If not I would fully expect the child to do a blood test when they are older to get an idea of where they came from. So perhaps get used to that idea so it doesn’t feel painful later.

We started reading to our child from the book above (called Our Story) aged about 2. They could not understand but it just became a favourite story as they grew- we stuck a photo of them in the book, so it was more personalised.

Recently at school (secondary) they are doing reproduction and chromosomes. They told the teacher about being donor conceived and apparently the whole class was fascinated and had heaps of questions. The teacher was apparently impressed that kid knew so much about the process (we talk whenever they have questions)
Its their story and up to them to tell whoever they want- so far no horrible judgment. Child has said if they only found out about using DS now, it would be horrible and really unsettling.
My husband had thought his lack of sperm was private and did not want to discuss it, but as time has gone by, it seems such a small thing compared to our child knowing their origins/gene pool. Kid is a happy well balanced soul, despite being a teen.

It is a huge thing- but kids do need to know their origins and the early they know the more natural it is. Teen said having always known about ds has made it easy to assimilate the info.