co-parenting - when not in a relationship with donor

[Richardbc]

This is a bit of a difficult one to express. I am now in my 40s and never had the opportunity to have children of my own, my ex had children from a previous relationship and I became a father figure to them. I am now single again and really want my own biological children but most of the women I date around my age don't want any more children. Which I fully get. As they have built their family.

A friend of mine who is in her late 30s with no children but wants children has suggested we could have a child together, she is looking for a sperm doner. We have known each other for 10 years and I would say she is my best friend. We share similar values and outlook on life and like me circumstances have meant she has never had children.

She mentioned she has been on a site called Pollen Tree but not had any luck finding someone she wants to co parent with as doner. We both live locally to each other and I believe it we would bring any child up in a stable and loving way, but I worry about the fact we have never been in a traditional relationship.

I worry about what people would think in terms of having a child with a friend. Both our parents are very traditional. If we did do it we would continue to live separately , although together when the baby is a newborn to support each other. We have also agreed in the future we could date others.

She has also said she want’s to conceive naturally rather than IVF due to the invasive nature of IVF. Not sure if I feel comfortable with natural as she is such a good friend.

I actually know a couple who have done this.

He is gay, so having a child naturally was never going to happen, she wanted a child as well. They are best friends, so they just went for it

They co-parent, and its great. Also because there is none of the animosity of a recent breakup!

As for naturally... I mean, there is a step between having sex and doing IVF.
You can do artificial insemination. Basically a turkey baster type situation.

I wouldnt be having sex with her in this situation, as it is a recipe for disaster!

go thought a lawyer and a clinic.
it certainly could work out well 50/50 custody but would take organization.
long term living close to one another so the child could easily go between homes. ability to take time off work for childhood illnesses pick up and drop off at extra curricular activities.
some shared financials for shared expenses (school uniforms school trips school meals) and a shared saving account for the child to attend post secondary school.
i'd also take in a few group counselling sessions ahead of time to explore the potential pitfalls.

I know someone who did this and its honestly worked out awfully. She wants to breastfeed, he wants the baby 50/50. He think they should parent this way, she thinks that way etc etc. total relationship breakdown, families at war with each other. if you do it I would write a massive list out and make sure you cover off lots of different scenarios and how you would handle them. Having a baby in a really loving close relationship is hard enough so just make sure you've thought out all possibilities and agreed upfront. Good luck.

I have done this successfully - child is now young adult and father still fully involved - but that doesn't mean it's not hard work.

First tip is don't rush it. You need to talk about all the what ifs more than you can possibly imagine. Don't just focus on the rosy stuff, really talk through the hard issues and how you will resolve them. We had a contract drawn up by an experienced solicitor. It wasn't legally binding, but it was really helpful as a reminder of what we had agreed.

Be very clear on what your relationship is. If you doing this as friends, don't live together and FGS don't do it 'the natural way'. It may take you a year to get pregnant and by then you're in a sexual relationship.

The alternative to sex is a clean yogurt pot and a small syringe. Easy peasy.

You have to consider the impact of future relationships. If one of you meets the love of your life, is there suddenly a third parent to negotiate with?

Pay child support at CSA rates (minimum). No mucking about.

What happens if one of you wants to move away? Discuss it now.

Also discuss the division of daily decision making. Our contract agreed I was the primary parent and would be in charge of all daily decision making (though open to suggestions and feedback) but I consult the dad on issues like choice of school etc.

Expect the birth of a baby to throw all your emotions up in the air - suddenly you may see it as intolerable that you can't be with your child every waking hour; suddenly the mother deeply regrets agreeing to overnights after the first six months. This all has to be thought about in advance. You still do t have prior notice about what feelings are aroused, but hopefully you have a procedure for dealing with them.

Good luck. My child's father has been at times a pain in the arse but also committed, honourable and a really good dad. I know a number of other women who have gone this route and it has worked really well. All those involved are gay, though - I must say what worries me most about your post is the potential for blurred lines.

thanks for all the great adivce, grest good foor thought

I think if this is done well it is much better for the child than being conceived with anonymous donor and not knowing its father. But you have to discuss everything and know you’re compatible. If you want 50:50 and she really sees you as a donor it’s not going to work. Even though you are not together you have made a massive commitment - you do sort of become family. Make sure neither of you fancies the other!

Just marry someone younger and have an easier life?

I think it is a terrible idea. So much to go wrong.

I have a child through a planned coparenting arrangement and know several other people who have done similar. It's becoming increasingly common with gay people I think?

Anyway, from my perspective our arrangement has worked brilliantly. A few minor niggles of course but on the whole we're good friends and ds is happy and well-adjusted.

In answer to "what will people think" I really haven't found that people have batted an eyelid, perhaps they do behind my back but then people love a good gossip no matter what you do. Both wider families are very supportive and he's close to them.

The other people I know have similar stories, nothing ever goes perfectly because life isn't like that but if you talk a lot before hand and make sure you're on the same page then it can work really well.