Matched to Donor - how to feel?

[Eiremogra]

Hi all, DP and I will be having DE treatment in September and have been busy for months now getting everything organised and additional tests done. I’m currently on the contraceptive pill so that we can better predict my period. I’ll be starting the mock cycle in August and the real treatment in September. The clinic has just contacted me this morning to let me know the ‘great news’ that a matched donor has been found. And…I feel so strange. Upset almost. I think all this time of being so busy with tests etc have kept me distracted but now that it’s ‘real’…I feel lost. I’m happy of course that this is a positive step towards treatment and building our family…but I can’t shake the feeling of loss and certainty that my eggs are/were rubbish and just not good enough. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way at all. I’ve accepted how we would have to achieve our family..I don’t ‘grieve’ for the gene loss as it really doesn’t bother me. It’s more the literal inability to use my own eggs…I’m sure this feeling will pass but I could really do with hearing from some of you lovelies. Have you experienced this too? I’m actually thinking if I should seek out a therapist to chat this over with?

Hi @Eiremogra - I have a 3-year-old DD from a donor egg, and I'm pregnant with our second DD who is DD's genetic sibling.

I felt how you did. I also felt guilty for not feeling happy and excited that we had a donor - instead I felt like a bit of a failure, quite a lot of self-hatred towards my body, and in addition to that, some worry that (due to lack of genetic connection) I wouldn't love her enough, have the right maternal instincts etc.

All the way through my pregnancy I felt disconnected and not really any of the joy and love I thought I would towards my bump.

HOWEVER . . . I adore DD. She doesn't look like me at all, initially she looked exactly like her Dad and while there's still a resemblance, I can see that she must take after her genetic mother in terms of appearance. But, it doesn't matter. She's my beautiful DD that I love with all my heart and soul.

It also helped me to remember that I grew this little girl - my body sustained her, my blood flowed through her veins, and according to epigenetics research, some of her genetic material has stayed with me and vice versa. We are very much part of each other and I'm proud of my body for that.

I think donor egg conception is really, really complicated from an emotional perspective. Have you joined the Donor Conception Network? Might help to share experiences with others who have experienced this. And remember it's only natural to have worries and concerns - talk them through with your counsellor, they'll have heard it all before!

Hi OP, I struggled and did post on this thread from a few months ago.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/donor_conception/4769726-coming-to-terms-with-egg-donation?reply=124903123

I remember feeling so upset getting the photos done for the donor matching team. And feeling bad because it was vanity, but like you I didn't know how to feel when the call came to say we had a donor. Now I do thank the universe so much that she made that decision. Without her I wouldn't have my wonderful DC, I love them and I'd do anything for them. But if my eggs had just played ball I wouldn't have needed that wonderful woman at all. I always hope that she has an amazing life for the gift she gave us. It was complicated for me, maybe the DCN or counselling can help.
I will add that not everyone finds it complicated at all, some of the posters on the linked thread didn't struggle in the same way, but we're all different.

Would it help to concentrate on the practical steps of the process? Are you synching with the donor's cycle for a fresh transfer? Or planning a FET?

@RedPandaFluff I remember you from the Infertility boards from years ago, congratulations!

Thank you so much @RedPandaFluff @daisypizza. I really appreciate your advice and can feel the love in your words for your beautiful DC! Such hopeful stories and reading through the link you sent @daisypizza has really helped. I think just saying these feelings out loud and knowing that other amazing women have felt/are feeling the same way has helped. I’ve taken time this evening to relax,did some yoga and wrote a little about how I’m feeling. I’m very literally and getting things onto paper really helps. I’m going to take your advice and join the DCN - I’ve heard such great things and it might just be the place where I get the support that I need. Thanks again for helping me, really appreciate your lovely comments xx

Ahhh hello @daisypizza - so glad it worked out for you too!

Good luck, @Eiremogra - keep us posted on how you get on