Using a different sperm donor for second child

[goingcrackers]

I'm really struggling with my decision whether to have a second child. My DD is almost 3, I had her on my own via IVF. I'm in my mid forties now and have had three attempts at a sibling by using frozen embryos. Two were unsuccessful, and one ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks.

I'm so torn as to whether to try again. The odds are not in my favour age wise of course (I would be using my own eggs). My biggest dilemma is the donor though. There is no more sperm available from the same donor, so it would have to be a different one. I'm so worried that, were I successful, the two children would have different donors and this might be really difficult for them emotionally. The rational part of me says this is silly, as many children have half siblings from different relationships, but I can't shake this nagging worry about it. It feels different because it's a deliberate choice. Both donors would be open ID, so available to be contacted by the child once they are 18 - what if one is willing to be in contact and the other isn't? The previous donor was from another European country - should I stick with donors from the same country?

All this agonising will probably be totally irrelevant of course, because the chances of success at my age are very slim and I am realistic about that. I've wasted weeks going backwards and forwards on this and am no further forward in my thinking. I don't really have any one to talk to about it IRL - I think my family will think I'm mad for doing it again at my age anyway. I love my DD more than anything, and I'd love to give her a sibling. But perhaps I should be grateful for what I have (which I am, profoundly).

I guess i just dont understand where you are coming from...
your child is a donor child. How would having a second one with a different donor be any different?
Its not like they are being raised by someone they think is their dad, and then it turns out they arent. There is no dad. (I realise this sounds a bit harsh, and I dont mean it... I just really dont understand how it would be any different for them)

Being fully blood related to someone is less important than you might think. not only do people have half siblings, they also have adopted ones and step ones, and the love felt can be the same for all!

I think on the face of it the different donor thing doesn't matter as such. But the example of one donor being receptive and the other not later when the children are grown could cause real problems. I say this as my ex had donor children who were both devastated to not be able to be in contact with their birth fathers (different donors) and I think it would have been harder for them if one of them had a relationship with their birth father and the other didn't. I guess it's hard to know, but an important factor to consider.

Hi OP. I'm TTC using a donor as well, and I can completely understand your concerns.

I'm wondering what was the donor like for your first child? - e.g. did he include a handwritten note in his profile? - did he say that he would be open to contact? I've noticed that on some of the profiles, you can just tell when you read them that they would welcome contact down the line, and some seem less bothered.

If your first donor was open to contact, then you could look for a second donor with a similar message and outlook.

I think it is partly about being very careful in selecting the donor, and finding out as much as you possibly can. I found that the Danish and American sperm banks have had the most information available.

Obviously though, there will always be an element that is out of your control with this.

Situations change, one of the donors could even die for example and there would then be no chance of meeting him.

If you do go ahead, you'd have to go into it knowing that it's a risk, there's nothing you can do about that but you've done all you can to mitigate it (trying to find a good donor etc) - and hopefully, any future children you have will understand that.

Another helpful way of framing it is that your potential future child would not exist if they didn't have that donor. It's not possible to have the same donor - that's not your fault, it's just the way it is.

Your future child is unlikely to say they'd rather not exist, just because they have a different donor to their sibling.

And they wouldn't exist as themselves anyway if they had the same donor - they'd be a completely different person!

It's all very hypothetical at this point.. but might be a helpful way of thinking about it. You can't control everything in life, as much as you'd like to, you just have to make the best of the choices you have.

Honestly, I don't think the donor matters. If you have a second child they will be raised in the same way by the same primary/only caregiver. Half of their genetics is less important. So many families have children by different parents. Many of us have half and step siblings who we adore. Family is what you make it.

OP I can completely understand your dilemma. As a donor child I guess it would be nice to grow up in a household with your biological mother and full biological sibling. Not quite the traditional set up - but as close as you can possibly get, given the circumstances.

I guess it's weighing up what is better for your daughter. No sibling, or a half sibling? I would say probably a half sibling would be the preferred one for her - especially one brought up in the same house as her. But then maybe she would really like the benefits of being an only child.

Do YOU really want another child, or are you just doing it to give your daughter a sibling?

I'm guessing she may well already have other half siblings that she will possibly be able to contact when they are all adults.

I'm donor conceived with a different sperm donor to my brother. He's very very different to me, which of course he could be if we were 100% blood related but it's a factor for us that we don't have a whole lot in common. I love him ofc and am glad to have a sibling but we're not close. That's the gamble I guess but just to reassure you that if it doesn't work out, your DC will be fine as an only and you don't have to give them a sibling for your family to be complete. It does sound like the time may well have passed where it's possible so worth focusing on what you already have.

Thank you so much for all your responses. It's so helpful to have some different perspectives, including some which I hadn't thought of myself, and I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I did choose the first donor very carefully, and would use the same thought processes to select another, so I guess I'll be doing everything I can from that point of view.

I do want another child, for myself and not just as a sibling. I just don't ever want my DD and any future sibling to suffer mentally/emotionally from the decision. Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm so worried about it - I'm not an overly emotional person myself and maybe they'll just be very matter of fact about it. I would always be very open (in an age appropriate way!) with both children about their origins of course, and I hope this would help. We have a loving family around us and that can't be anything but a good thing.

Thanks again everyone.

@goingcrackers If you have a loving family then really I don't think there is going to be a problem.

Families really do come in all shapes and sizes. I have 4 half siblings, OK we are not donor conceived but some of our dads are around and some aren't. Some of us don't have a huge amount in common, like @pinkdelight was saying, we are all very different people. But we do have a common history/ childhood, and they are all my siblings. I don't call them 'half' siblings, I just call them brother/ sister and think of them as that.

I can't see why it would be too much different being donor conceived. My older brothers dad isn't around, but mine is. He doesn't feel resentment toward my mum for giving me a different dad to him. It's just how things panned out.

I think with donor conception it's easy to overthink so much because we want the absolute best for our kids, and it all feels so deliberate, but really it's all random anyway. You roll the dice when you have children however you do it. So if you want them, I say go ahead and have them.