Help me plan my journey to single parenthood via donor conception

[braverwoman]

I'm a female, in my late 30s and single. I've always wanted to have a family i.e. husband and kids but it hasn't happened for me. I would like to still be a mother and I am now considering going the sperm donor route if I am still single by this time next year.
I would like to start preparing for what need to happen next year and would appreciate any tips and advice on what I need to do to make sure I am well equipped to be a single parent in terms of:

(1) One or two kids: I have read in some places that one may as well try to conceive twins so that it's one and done and either kid has a sibling. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

(2) Job & Income: currently in a permanent role with a small organisation paying £37k. Job is stressful and I've always felt that I wont want to have a family whilst there as they made me feel uncomfortable the only one time I called in sick in 18months. Should I begin looking for higher paying and more flexible jobs? What are the indicators of these? e.g., >£50k? Hybrid working?

(3) Savings: currently have about £100k saved.
How much do I need to have saved to give me a head start?

(4) Housing: currently have a home in a city that I don't live in. I'm in a fixed mortgage term until next year. So, I'm currently renting a studio in the city where I live and work in. When the time comes to remortgage, do I sell old house and buy a small flat where I currently live? What are the key things I need to consider when buying/ renting a home where I want to raise my child - in terms of the property and the area e.g., safety, green space, schools etc.

(5) Support system: I have no friends and family. What do I need to build an alternative support system? How much would I spend on childcare on an average month?

(6) Mobility: I have a car - hatchback. I've been using it for 10years. It's about 13years old. Should I get a replacement car that would be newer, and less likely to be break down? What cars are child-friendly?

Your advice on these will be appreciated. And if there are other things I haven't thought about, please feel free to bring them up and if anyone has any person experience to share, please do.
Thank you.

Goodness there is a lot to unpick here.

There is a lot here I don't feel qualified to comment on, or that it's my place to give you an opinion on whether it's a good idea.

What I will do is give you my experience. I think it will be very hard going to raise one child as a single parent with no family/friend support, let alone two. I wouldn't attempt to have twins (unless you are having IVF rather than just using a sperm donor naturally you can't plan this anyway)

I think you will find having a baby and working full time totally exhausting as a single parent, again without support. You'll want to have a decent amount of money put buy to pay for child care, cleaners etc.

I'd say average child care costs for full time are around £1500 a month.

You will need a reliable car but this is something you can sort out if and when needed.

You will definitely need a bedroom per child.

What is your plan b for if your ivf etc doesn't work? How many rounds are you willing to do? Will this eat into your savings so much that you have nothing left for childcare and other costs?

Start with the Donor Conception Network.

I know you've come for the practicalities but have you any experience with babies and children? There is a thread on active today about how unprepared for the realities of motherhood this lady was - I think it's called do people forget what it's like. Something that stands out to me is how many people have no idea that they may be up every 45mins then take up to two hours to resettle, only for baby to wake every few minutes and repeat...for months and months.

It's one thing to be a single parent down the line but you may well need a big chunk of those savings for a maternity nurse to help you with the nights in the first two years.

I think twins would be very very hard going as a single parent. And for this I think you would have to have IVF. Not sure it's a great jdea in your position. Even one child will be hard on your own with no support.

’I would like to still be a mother and I am now considering going the sperm donor route if I am still single by this time next year.’

Before you do anything else, have a fertility check. You need to know what you’re dealing with. You might find that you can’t afford to wait a year if you want DC. You might find that you need donor eggs or that you’re still very fertile and you have more time than you thought.

I also wouldn’t actively seek to have twins alone unless I had plenty of money to buy in help when they were babies and then to afford double everything as they got older. The cost of full time childcare for two is so high that lots of women in dual earning households stay at home after their second is born as they’d take home so little after tax and childcare. One child as a lone parent would be more doable.

I wouldn't try to have twins alone.

I would have your fertility checked in case you're under a time pressure.

Good luck. It's not that hard!

Hi OP, you say you have no friends or family? How come? Is there anyone you can rely on? You'll need them as a new mum and the child will need other people to love and come and visit!
You could join any group you have an interest in to make friends eg. Running, wine tasting, cinema - have a look on the Meetup app. You may even meet a nice man but in any case you'll meet friends.

I'd spend some money on a night nanny or post natal doula to help you in the newborn phase.

I'll respond to your questions and pose a few others for you to think about.

1. One or two kids: I have read in some places that one may as well try to conceive twins so that it's one and done and either kid has a sibling. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

Twins is hard if there are 2 of you. I do know someone who had twins as a single mum by choice. She moved in with her brother when they were first born to give some support. If you have no support, stick to one.

(2) Job & Income: currently in a permanent role with a small organisation paying £37k. Job is stressful and I've always felt that I wont want to have a family whilst there as they made me feel uncomfortable the only one time I called in sick in 18months. Should I begin looking for higher paying and more flexible jobs? What are the indicators of these? e.g., >£50k? Hybrid working?

Have a look at your area and see what childcare costs. Childcare is in crisis at the moment and the costs can be eye watering. This might also decide question 1 for you. At best you get a 10% discount for twins.

Working full time with kids alone is hard work. Things to think about are school holidays, child sickness, when you'll get time for yourself, when you'll get time to do stuff around the house.

(3) Savings: currently have about £100k saved.
How much do I need to have saved to give me a head start?

That's a good saving amount - keep going.

(4) Housing: currently have a home in a city that I don't live in. I'm in a fixed mortgage term until next year. So, I'm currently renting a studio in the city where I live and work in. When the time comes to remortgage, do I sell old house and buy a small flat where I currently live? What are the key things I need to consider when buying/ renting a home where I want to raise my child - in terms of the property and the area e.g., safety, green space, schools etc.

Key things are a room each and schools. Trying to minimise your mortgage payments as much as possible / reduce amount of house upkeep.

(5) Support system: I have no friends and family. What do I need to build an alternative support system? How much would I spend on childcare on an average month?

This is going to make things super hard. You'll need good water tight childcare. This will not come cheap. NCT courses will help you to meet some other local parents and you'd need to put the effort into making these friends who will help.

(6) Mobility: I have a car - hatchback. I've been using it for 10years. It's about 13years old. Should I get a replacement car that would be newer, and less likely to be break down? What cars are child-friendly?

A car is useful but it depends if you stay city dwelling.

Other things to think about;

What you will tell them about their conception?

What will the child get out of being your child?

How do you imagine life with a school age child, not just a baby?

What will you do if IVF doesn't work? Do you have a cut off age or point?

What will you do if you die before the child turns 18?

Very bluntly, I've known many single parents. Without exception they relied on their friends as well as hefty reliable childcare and it was still hard. I can't imagine how you'd cope with no friends or family support. Particularly at times of illness-but in ordinary life too.

Hi! I'm a solo mum by choice - here's a few thoughts on your questions but do feel free to ask if I can be more help...

1. Hard no on this idea from me. In fertility treatment terms twins are generally not the goal, because the health outcomes for mothers and babies are often more complex. It would also be a massive, massive practical and financial challenge. If twins happen, they happen, but I would strongly advise against trying for them on purpose.

2. I'd look for a stable, flexible job with killer maternity leave. 6 months full pay (or more), if you can get it.

3 and 4) Bear in mind that getting a mortgage as a single person with childcare costs will be tricky as that's likely to massively impact on how much you can borrow. So I'd say your optimal situation is to have done any buying you want to do prior to having a baby, and be in a position at that point where you don't need to remortgage anytime soon. Absolute optimal situation would be to be mortgage free, but of course that's a big ask. I personally prioritise security of housing, so made affordability one of my biggest requirements. Schools, yes, but green space I figure we can access through parks and I've compromised on that in favour of having space for us, for my dad to come and visit frequently (and for if a sibling is ever a possibility).

Bear in mind also that the cost of fertility treatment can rack up. A lot. I spent at least £40k (admittedly I had crappy luck and a LOT of treatment at the more expensive end of the spectrum, but still).

5. Average childcare costs probably come to about £1200ish a month for a child under 3 in full-time nursery (maybe a bit more now, that's 2022 figures), and could be higher depending on where you are. In theory, funded hours will start to become available by the time any baby you have would be in childcare, but we have yet to see how that would go in practice. Expect it to be a big hit financially. Factor in what maternity leave will cost you, too.

6. No idea, sorry!

Pleased to hear from you @Persipan
Thank you for taking time to carefully answer my questions. All very useful advice. You've given me something to think about in relation to housing as this is the aspect that I am least prepared for as I'm in London.
I have some frozen eggs, albeit last time we checked, my fertility consultant said that it's very possible I could conceive naturally with donor sperm as my ovarian reserve was still higher than average. So, I'm hoping this will mean reduced cost and more luck.
Can I ask about the mental aspect? What helped you be emotionally prepared? Did you do any counselling or read any books, for example?

Most places won’t put in two embryos unless you are over 40 or the embryos are poor quality. Twins are a real health risk and much higher risk of still birth, so I don’t think you’ll have much choice on this and wouldn’t recommend it. They have really cracked down on allowing this.

Ideally you need to be as stable as you can and be near a good support network. Support network is really, really important.

I’m a SMBC. My advice:

• Dont try for multiples as it’s dangerous for you and the babies, most clinics won’t do it. One newborn alone is so hard, two would be impossible. You have to think about things like what if they both cry at the same time - you can’t just ignore one of them.
• without a support network it will be really hard. In the newborn stage you literally don’t sleep, I think I got 45 mins per night for the first 3 months. You need people to keep you sane and take them off you if you’re nodding off. Maybe a mums group or nanny if you can afford it. Also at the end of pregnancy, in labour, how will you get to hospital? You will not be able to drive yourself in labour. My pregnancy really went wrong at the end and I needed my dad patiently driving me to PAU every other day. Need to think of practical things like that. How about a doula? They cost up to £1000 I think.
• you have to really WANT to do it this way. A donor conceived child is a child at the end of the day, not a booby prize. I was planning it for 7 years before I started! Think about why your doing it & the benefits of a child conceived this way & if it’s something you want, not just because the traditional way didn’t work out
• Work… Id say it kind of revolves around childcare to be honest. I work part time and ds is in nursery 4 days a week. It costs £1200 a month.
• Cost for fertility treatments depends on what type and how many rounds. I got pregnant after 1 round of IUI. I can’t remember the exact cost but it was less than £5000. The main costs are once theyre born!
• car - def one that doesn’t break down, I missed an appointment because my stupid car wouldn’t start and I was massive at the time. Not the highest priority though!

*you’re

I’m a single parent (‘lone parent’) of 3 :)

my advice is -
definitely don’t go for twins. You will most likely be recovering from a c section alone plus learning how to care for two babies for the first time - I see why you’d consider it hypothetically but in reality I think it would be a nightmare.

ask your midwife about what support is available. That can be anything from arranging a birth partner to come with you to the hospital (v helpful in my experience with the birth as well as practical things like getting home with bags and baby), getting you involved with home start, different charities, play groups, birth classes…a network could help a lot and be good for you and baby. And especially important with a donor baby - that sense of community, doing things together, having other kids to come to their birthday parties etc.

other than that…good luck! Honestly it’s very doable in my experience. Easier than doing it with a bad/lazy partner! Hope it all goes well.

I'm a SMBC currently expecting DC3; have 2 DDs all with same donor (all singletons).
I would advise sorting our your housing situation. It's really difficult getting a mortgage as a single parent even with one child. I am stuck on a standard variable rate, even though I've got about 60% equity, never missed a payment, no debts, and I earn about twice what you do, but they look at my two kids and nursery costs and no one will give me a new mortgage at all). So, work out where you want to work and live and get your home sorted with a 5 year fixed mortgage, because you will really struggle to move/do anything with one let alone two.
In terms of moving jobs, it's not just about salary, but also maternity rights/pay and general flexibility. I've no idea what you do or where you live or want to live, but generally the state sector and third sector/charity sector are way better for this, even if the pay isn't quite as good, overall it's better for a single working mother.
Your saving are amazing, but inflation is 10%, can't you use this to sort out your housing situation (which depends on you knowing where to work/live).
In terms of twins vs one, as a pp said, you need to check your fertility levels, but I'd be concerned about the pregnancy. My first pregnancy was hell (although no medical issues), but a twin pregnancy would be really really difficult, and then followed by twins! If your fertility allows it, you are probably better off trying for a second in the future, but there's a lot of unknowns and risks with that.
You are asking a lot of questions. Sort out your home because you won't be able to afterwards, and so you need to sort out your job, and check mat policies and family friendly stuff before actual pay.

This all sounds really hard. £37k isn’t a lot in London. You’ll lose a chunk of that to childcare.

so many thoughts.

Hi! I'm a solo mum via IVF to my lovely 22 month old DD and I'm just starting out on the journey to have a FET for a sibling. I'll do my best to answer some questions!

1. I'd definitely try for one at a time. I know many solo mums who have had twins and have done amazingly so I'm not saying no on the basis of coping - but most clinics will suggest one embryo at a time purely as the health implications of a multiple pregnancy are quite heavy and they do their best to avoid that. There is also a campaign with the HEFA (who is the governing body) to go for one at a time. Some believe you've got a better chance of pregnancy if you transfer 2 but this is proven to be untrue and actually you risk losing a healthy developing embryo if the second is lost. My DD was a single embryo which split. Unfortunately I lost the twin very early on but shows the risk of TWO embryos splitting.

(2) I currently work part time with a pro rata salary of £35k. My childcare for 3 days a week is £800 as she goes to nursery. I do, however, live in rented and I don't have savings so I get some UC support to childcare costs. My job before mat leave was hugely stressful and involved nights, weekends, on call and lates. Plus an hours commute. I applied for and got a new job working 8-6 three days a week excluding weekends. This fits perfectly. Yes there are days I've had to bolt as she's been unwell at nursery but sadly it's all part of it.

(3) I had just enough for treatment saved and was absolutely fine. I'd say you're absolutely at the point of starting with those savings. Not many people have that much behind them!

(4) My biggest things would be to look at nursery provision in your area (or whatever childcare you wanted to use) so that you're not traveling 20 minutes in the wrong direction every morning and evening. Then schools. I wouldn't do without my garden, it's an absolute life saver and we spend most our time out there. I also love the driveway. I briefly lived without one pre baby and never ever again. It's enough hassle dragging everything inside from my guaranteed spot, let alone having to park a mile away.

(5) So I'd definitely suggest some sort of support system. Whether that be meeting new friends or just finding a community online. There is a solo mother's by choice Facebook page and they've been incredible through this journey. I've got a WhatsApp group with 6 other mums who all had their children within a couple months of me and we support eachother through the lows and celebrate the highs. We also holiday together once a year which is awesome.

(6) I will admit that a new car was on my pre baby list. Purely because mine was liable to leave me stranded everywhere and also didn't have isofix. I got dacia sandero stepway which is amazing both with size but also being high up and easy to get her in and out. Honestly though a car with 5 doors that isn't about to leave you on the side of the M4 is good enough!

Hope that helps!

Thanks to everyone for chiming in.
Your insights have been helpful.

@Olivia199 thanks for taking time to give detailed advice. I'm inspired.

Just an update: I've been offered a third sector job paying £50k and maternity leave is 26 weeks ordinary leave and 26 weeks additional leave. And if with employee 52 weeks before going on maternity, one may be entitled to enhanced maternity pay.
Does anyone know what these mean and whether it's a good deal?

Also, I live and work in central London. Any suggestions on best places to buy in London to have access to good schools and childcare will be appreciated.

Thank you.

So the 26 ordinary and 26 additional is statutory maternity leave. All details on the gov website. The enhanced maternity pay means you'll be eligible for occupational maternity pay after being with the company for a certain length of time.

I'm NHS and I have to work there for a year before the qualifying week of pregnancy to get occupational mat pay on top of statutory.

Congratulations on the offer of a job!

No help on London moving I'm afraid.

The 26 weeks OML and AML is standard and what everyone gets. The enhanced pay is separate and totally up to the employer. What do they offer as an enhancement?

as for locations. I live in Penge SE London. Really cool family area. Lots of good primary schools (secondary isn’t bad, but mostly single sex)

Thank you for the explanations.
My contract doesn't clarify what enhanced maternity pay means. I will need to check this with HR. I need to find the right time to do so.