Coming to terms with egg donation

[BabyBubbles1]

Isbit just me? Would like to speal to others in similar situation or having similar feelings.

I have a history of infertility and after trying ivf we are now moving to egg donation. I know that to have a child this is what we need to do but I am really struggling. I feel inadequate (the years of trying has impacted relationship), I can't understand why my husband wants to stay and do this with me. I had a son born with Edwards Syndrome and I know I havht got over this but it's also playing into my insecurities.

Im not really in the same boat, as I never really struggled with infertility per say.
However, I have now decided I would like to be a single mother, since I havent met Prince Charming, so I went to a clinic, to get the ball rolling.
However, after the first exams it became clear it wasn[t going to be as easy as I thought...

My AHM is low for my age, and Im 40, so my egg quality is probably not amazing.

However, after the slight punch to the gut, I took it in stride, and embraced egg donation, not even entertaining trying with my own eggs, as that would be an expensive, and possibly fruitless endeavour, and my resources are not infinite.

I have since decided to go the full embryo adoption route, since I would have to use double donours anyway. So the child will not be biologically mine, at all.

However, this doesnt really bother me much. it will be a much desired, much loved child, that I will carry and nurture.

You are not inadequate! We are not defined by our fertility! I wish you the best of luck and strenght!

Have you had counselling? I can only speak from my own experience but my DE baby is now one and I absolutely adore her. I do still have twinges but overall I don't regret it but it is important you deal with these sorts of feelings before you (hopefully) bring a baby into the world.

I'd also recommend reaching out to the donor conception network, they have lots of support groups.

Best of luck to you x

@BabyBubbles1 I would recommend listening to podcasts about DE to hear other people's experiences and stories. Might help.

@BabyBubbles1 I'm sorry to hear about your son. 💐

I would also recommend counselling, but with someone who knows about infertility and donor conception. There may be a counsellor linked to your clinic or you can look online, on BACP website I think you can search by special interests of the counsellor.
I think your clinic will want you and DH to have implications counselling so you can think about any potential issues in the future.

I will say though that counselling didn't lift the weight from my shoulders or make my worries go away. It was just helpful to talk it through with someone neutral and at that point decide to try or not as I had been going round in circles for a long time and had the baggage of many failed rounds of IVF. Not trying with donor eggs is also a valid choice if that's what you decide. So is choosing between several options that are not perfect and going ahead.
Good luck with it all and do look up Donor Conception Network (maybe they can also recommend counsellors). If you join they pair you with someone a little further along their journey than you are which you might find helpful.

@BabyBubbles1 sending you so much love ❤️❤️❤️ I am so sorry about your son ❤️❤️❤️
I’m in exactly the same place. Moving onto DE IVF after 4 years of TTC, a MMC and 3 rounds of OE IVF that looked great but all embryos tested aneuploid.
its been a horrible journey that has built my hopes up and smashed them down so many times and, like you, my self worth has hit rock bottom.
god knows how my OH and I are still together! It’s challenged us to the max!!
we’ve just taken 5 months off (mainly to secure finances for the next step but also for our sanity) we had a little holiday and just cleared our heads a bit.
ive been reading the book “three makes baby” and connecting with donor mums and children on Instagram and various forums.
i try to do meditations and talk as much as I can to work through all of my feelings.
this has definitely helped - we’re starting the process next week and I feel ready and excited. Trying not to be too excited though as I know nothing is guaranteed 😵‍💫🫣
do you have people that you can talk to? Can you talk to your husband? always difficult as you’re both so close to it but if you can find a way through it it helps so much!
have you started treatment yet?
I really recommend the Mindful IVF app for some meditations to help with calm.
if you need anyone CV in the same boat to talk to I’m here ❤️❤️ xX

Hi ladies, thank you for your replies. I am reading and taking in what you say. I will respond later. I am having counselling and have hit the point I want a child and to be a family, not necessarily a genetic link. That said, I believe research shows that they could have about 15% of my DNA from carrying.

THANK YOU for not just swiping past and for taking the time to read, reply and offer support and advice

Good luck with your thinking.

If I could offer some further, gentle advice, try not to worry too much epigenetics (the science about how much DNA transfer there is from carrying). I have seen a lot of women who really latch on to this and start to justify that their babies are more genetically related to them than they are, and almost ignore the role of the egg donor. I'm not saying there's nothing in it, but the reality is our DE babies are not genetically related to us.

HOWEVER they are 100% our babies. We carry them, we feed them (whatever method we choose) and we nurture them. We will be there for them in the night, we will hold them in the day, choose nurseries, be there for the first steps, cuddle them when they are poorly. We are their mummies completely. It's just there will be a responsibility one day to share with them their origins are not conventional.

I had several miscarriages, and although I wish I hadn't gone through that I would change nothing about my baby, genetic link or not she's wonderful and just as she should be.

It's just a different way of becoming a mother.

Not less, just different.

Being a mum involves a lot more than an egg and a seed. Thats just the mechanics. What really counts is the love that you have for your baby.

Absolutely support what @NotMyDayJob has said 🙏🏼
Epigenetic research claims that whilst carrying a baby your body influences how the genes of the baby express themselves. The genetics themselves will never change, a DNA test would never show a genetic link between yourself and a donor egg baby but the genes of a baby would express themselves differently for different birth mothers.
It’s a really complex area and one that’s definitely not worth getting fixated on. You need to go into the donor process completely at ease with the cold hard facts so that you can handle everything and help your child to properly understand and process everything when that time comes.
I know I started off trying to block it all out (I wanted an anonymous donor so that I wouldn’t know what they looked like and compare my child to that) but with time I’ve realised that hiding from any of it would later come back to bite me in the arse!
best to tackle all the demons now so that later down the line you can concentrate fully on your child 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Good luck @Kelb79
After so much OE IVF it's a different feeling - same nerves waiting for updates in my opinion! - but the realisation that I couldn't influence the eggs. I mean I clearly couldn't previously or all my IVF might have had a chance but I think you'll know what I mean. Hope it goes well.

@NotMyDayJob I have also encountered some 'overenthusiasm' 'about epigenetics from a consultant in an IVF clinic, really bigging up the influence and using very simplistic language, it was like a sales pitch.

@BabyBubbles1 PPs are right to caution getting too hung up on epigenetics but the acceptance that you need a donor can be difficult for some and dealing with it in stages is a good idea. For example @ASGIRC you describe it as a slight punch to the gut, for me it was more of a beaten to a pulp to begin with but the bruises faded. Embryo adoption is a very practical approach and you skip the wondering about whether you'll have anything to transfer. Hope it goes well.

@BabyBubbles1 there isn't any resemblance between my DC and me but I am their mum and don't think I could love them any more.

@daisypizza obviously, we are all different, and react differently.
I guess Im very pragmatic, and not particularly emotional. So deciding not to use my own eggs (and the fact that I didnt have LOADS of eggs, and that, due to age they probably werent the best - plus the fact that I am a carrier to a fairly serious disease) was not difficult at all. Even my fertility doctor was surprised when I told her thats what I wanted to do, straight away.

My main wish is to get pregnant and give birth and care for this very very wanted baby. Planning on doing the first (fingers crossed ONLY) treatment in May/June!

I have donor-egg twins.

After 5 fertility treatments, I was advised not to continue with my own eggs. I was devastated, since I didn't know donor eggs were an option for "normal" people (I thought only Hollywood stars could afford it). I thought my dream to be a mother was over.

When my clinic suggested donor eggs, I was thrilled it was an option, and my journey wasn't over. Maybe it's strange, but I didn't (and still don't) care less that the babies are not genetically related to me.
I believe a lot in "nurture over nature" - I'm bringing them up with my values, good nutrition, support for their varied interests, close family, etc. Funnily, so many people say my twins are the image of me! I never mourn potential biological children, and just think this is the family I was meant to have, and I'm so grateful for these amazing children and the donor who made it possible.

@Apollonia1 that's how I talk about my DD2, she's the baby I was meant to have. I feel this very strongly. Even though it's not the path I would have chosen, now I am on it I wouldn't change a thing. She was completely meant for me.

I’m in Spain right now (where I’ve had OE IVF and where I’ll be doing the DE IVF) - we’ve made the treatment plan and set a transfer date for 6th June!! 😁😁😁 I couldn’t be more excited and happy!

Hi! I'm a mum to our 8 year old donor egg conceived son. Could not love him any more than I do. But it's important for us that he knows that he came from someone else's egg. We've introduced it naturally from the age of 3 and he asks questions now and again. Unfortunately we had an anonymous donor in Spain. But with the DNA family tracing websites out there we feel its important that he knows.

Most of the time we don't think about it though. Follow Defining Mum on Instagram as she has 3 DE conceived daughters.

Make sure you are emotionally ready before going ahead. Xxx

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. Dealing with infertility can be emotionally and mentally draining, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. I can't share my personal experiences, but I recommend reading an article that discusses the considerations for both egg donors and recipients. Good luck on your journey.

@Kelb79 Best of luck! I’ve just come across this tread and see your transfer dates is today!! Sending lots of hugs!! 🤗

@Eiremogra thank you!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼 yeeeesss I had the transfer yesterday and all went great! I didn’t get to see my embryos until the day before yesterday and I fell instantly in love - I’m aware but in no way bothered by the fact that they’re from donor eggs. I feel completely at ease with it all ❤️
check out the embryo that was transferred…. It has a face 😳😳❤️❤️

Wow @Kelb79 good luck, that is freaky in a good way, what a beautiful embryo. Fingers crossed for you.

@ASGIRC hope things are on track for you too!

@Eiremogra 👋

Thank you!!
The clinic has a 3AA embryo for me!! I'll be doing my transfer next month!

we are thinking of DE for the 2nd child. I have never thought I’d even consider this.
I still don’t know what to do. My partner agreed without further discussions, but now I feel completely lost with the decision. It’s exciting and scary at the same time.

@Kelb79 I was looking for something else and found this post, wondering if things are going well for you 💐

@daisypizza so far so good!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼 Im
now 24 weeks! Still can’t believe it but I can honestly say the donor element just doesn’t matter any more at all. I keep it in mind because I want to be completely open about it with my child straight away but it’s just not something that bothers me at all any more ❤️❤️

Lovely update OP! I have a some from double donation and he adores me and I him! He looks nothing like me but it’s really irrelevant - I am his mamma. Conceptually it’s much harder to get your head round than when they arrive. Many blessings on your pregnancy!

*son