Is the dream over?

[madaki]

Hi,

I’m worried I’ve left everything a bit too late. I’ve just turned 39.
I also have a BMI of 41.

I’m believe that if you have a BMI of over 30 (or 35) then private clinics won’t work with me for donor insemination, never mind NHS.

I’m also worried that even if I manage to get the weight off, by the time I do that, I’ll be too old!

I have a fertility MOT booked for Thursday where I will hopefully find out more but I was hoping for some/ any words of advice/comfort or maybe I need a reality check?

Are you planning to be a solo parent with donor sperm?

I've been down that route and I have some thoughts. Apologies if they're not the ones you want to hear.

The NHS will not treat you with donor sperm as a solo woman. I tried it, I argued, it wasted time. (if you're in a couple then they might, circumstances of trying yourselves dependent and other stuff like existing children...)

You will need to go private.

Private clinic will NOT treat you with BMI of 41. They just won't. Some might stretch to BMI 32 but 41 isn't happening. My S-I-L is in a similar position and has lost five stones in six months on Slimming World, because she's starting IVF. (I know SW is contentious and so is recommending diets as a rule, but thems the breaks).

At 39, even with a healthy BMI and great egg reserves for your age, your odds of insemination via IUI working are something like 5%.

I know this sounds bleak. SO.

1. You have to shift the weight. I'm currently size 18 myself so I'm not saying that from a place of anything other than fact, it has to go for fertility treatment.
2. You'd potentially be wasting time with IUI, you'd have a greater chance of success with donor IVF. Not at all downplaying the cost and stress factor here, they're significant.
3. Your clinic will probably start planting the idea of donor eggs. You have a crazily higher chance of IVF success with double donation than with your own eggs by your age (again, I know this sounds shit, I'm older than you now and I've been there.)

I know people who have overcome all these issues and more separately and together to become mums. Me included. But you'll need to put your hard hat on and understand the realities so you can get a move on to make a plan and action it.

I really do wish you all the best. It's harder than you'll ever believe but worth it.

Hi,

yes I am planning to solo parent.

I haven’t looked in to all the different options and costs.

Thank you for replying. I know you’re right. I do have to shift the weight any way I can.

Gulp, I started looking in to this, booking the fertility MOT etc telling myself I just wanted to know possibilities. If it was all too late, so be it. At least I’ll know.

But now I’m realising how slim my chances are and I’m actually feeling quite devastated…
not so be it, at least I know at all.

im not even vaguely an expert on this, but I know most private clinics want a bmi under 35. I have been told GCRM in Glasgow will go to 40 bmi and a couple others in England too. But i couldn’t find any info online about this.

there’s a solo mother by choice uk Facebook group, which has a wealth of knowledge and information. Which is where I get a lot of information. It’s a very good supportive group.

so it’s not totally without hope. There’s no reason why you can try. I lost 7 bmi points in 6 months two years ago. So there’s no reason why you couldn’t do it.

I wish you luck.

Another option is embryo "adoption". Much cheaper than a double donation.
I[m going down that route, since Im also planning on being a single mother by choice, and at 40, my egg reserve is low and probably not very good.

But do your MOT and find everything out! Then you can worry about the rest of it!

How did you find out about embryo adoption? How does one go about it?

Most clinics offer it as an option.
Basically you d be using a discarded embryo by someone who has already completed their treatments and decided to donate the exceding embryos.
Theyd match your physical characteristics and blood type.
It is about half the price of egg donation.

Hi all,

just reporting back to let you know, I shifted the weight!
bmi of 32 now which is good enough for treatment.

I’ve done the preliminary tests, bought the sperm and am due to start ivf in a few weeks with my own eggs.

Currently feeling quite nervous and excited but thought I’d report back just in case anyone was in my original situation.

Well done OP, that's amazing! Hope all goes well for you with the IVF

Can I ask how you did it? My weight fluctuates by about half a stone but I can't lose any significant amount and I need to shift 1.5 stone before we do IVF

Well honestly, I think that finding out exactly how bad my bmi was at the start of all of this was a massive wake up call so I made some big life changes.

cut out all snacks other than fruit and most drinks other than water.
Ate very carefully for all meals. Mainly salad or soup for lunch and things like soup/ stir fry/ protein and veg for dinner.

I tried to make it a whole lifestyle shift and not a short term diet if that makes sense. I tried new recipes I liked the look of and had occasional chocolate squares if I wanted them instead of feeling deprived.

I stepped up the exercise but not massively so.

Amazing! Well done and good luck!

Well done OP and good luck xx

That is truly astounding OP! Well done and I hope it all works out for you!

Incredible update! Well done OP and good luck.

This is amazing news.

Good luck! Donor IVF is incredibly stressful but if you’re determined and being your best self you can do this.

Congratulations OP you should be very proud of yourself and what you have already achieved! Routing for you. I’m starting ivf too due to previous miscarriages. Xx

Really well done, OP. Best of luck for your treatment.