31, single, want a baby

[user0411]

So I've just turned 31. Haven't been in a serious relationship for 5 years now. I've given up on finding "the one" but that's a different story for another day.

However, I really want a baby. I really want to be a mother. I think I'm ready. I've got a mortgage with small payments (expect to be paid off in 3 years time, though that will change if a baby comes into the picture). I'm earning £45K a year in a stable job. So my first question is, financially I should be okay on my own, right?

Second question, how do I even go about having a baby on my own? Can someone break it down to me in simple terms? I've tried googling but there is so much out there. I'm not interested in random volunteer donors, I'd rather go through a clinic and get it done as formally as possible. How long does the process take?

Anyone gone through this and got any experiences/feelings to share?

Hello! Welcome!

From what you've described it sounds very likely that yes, you'd be financially able to be a solo parent. Do sit down and do the maths (factoring in childcare, which is pretty eye-watering), but I earn less than you and I manage, so I expect you'd be fine.

Process-wise, basically, find yourself a fertility clinic you like, and go get some tests done. They'll then be able to advise on what treatment plan they recommend. This might be IUI or IVF. Do expect treatment to be pricey - sperm alone will set you back upwards of £1k a go - and consider that you may need multiple rounds of treatment, so budget accordingly. Your clinic should be able to advise on what sperm banks they are happy for you to use and any requirements (e.g. if you're using an overseas bank, you'd have to get sperm that meets the UK standard). Also, do consider whether you might ever want to have further children and if so, think about arrangements for storing sperm/embryos for the future. (I know it seems weird to think about that when you're focused on having one child, but do give it some thought.)

Some clinics offer open evenings/seminars about solo motherhood, which you may find helpful. As someone planning to use donor gametes, you'll also have mandatory implications counselling. (You may also find it helpful to check out the Donor Conception Network for information and resources.)

All that sounds like a lot, but actually it doesn't necessarily need to take all that long, so if everything checks out and you're still keen to go ahead, you should be able to get going within a few months of first enquiring.

Anything in particular you'd like to know more about?

@Persipan Not my thread but hope you both don't mind me jumping on as I'm in a similar situation and you sound very knowledgeable!

Do most clinics not have their own sperm bank then? I had no idea that you'd have to go out and find your own!

I have been finding this thread quite useful. www.mumsnet.com/talk/infertility/4619816-abc-ivf-timeline-advice?utm_source=thread&utm_medium=share

My clinic had a link with a particular sperm bank so I just went through them, but that's not always the case - best bet is to ask the clinic and see. And, actually, depending on what factors you feel are important, you may find you have much more choice available by being able to go through a larger bank, so it's often a positive thing.

@Persipan I found out that the clinic I am looking at (Birmingham) has their own sperm bank so I wouldn't need to find my own elsewhere. Do you know if it is likely I will get to choose characteristics of the donor like height etc? And what about race? Or will they just match me with someone of my own race?

I'll be phoning in Monday for a consultation but desperate to get as much info as possible over the weekend ha!

Not experienced this but am also looking at this route.

30, married 14 months, together 9 years and he told me this week very abruptly and unexpectedly that he wants a divorce.
We had planned to have a baby next year, something I've wanted for years. But he wanted to wait until after we married.

I can't see myself wanting to commit to anyone for a very long time after this divorce. And have thought about exploring IVF or IUI. It's terrifying ... I have a ton of support around me so I know I'd be okay in that sense.

But, it's nerve wracking and I can't help but feel I am failing at life.
It's not something I'm looking to do immediately. Maybe in the next year or two as I know I need to be whole again before I can bring a baby into my life.

Hi all

Hopefully I can be of some help. I am 30 and have just gone through the first stages of IVF using a donor.

Firstly, I'd book a consultation with a clinic of your choice, they'll be able to do a fertility MOT which will outline the best suited fertility treatment to yourself (IVF or IUI) but will depend on your fertility status.

I made the decision to go straight for IVF for the simple fact that IUI success rates are low and although it's cheaper in the short term, multiple rounds didn't work out financially viable for me.

The clinic will discuss your options and will inform you of their available donors, if not you can always use overseas and have them imported.

Any questions please let me know and good luck 🤞🏼

I've done this, and have 2DDS born in 2020 and 2022 via a sperm donor. Currently starting the process for DC3 (Yep, you read that right!).

@Singleandwantingababy I've no experience of this centre but don't assume that the sperm bank they have will work. There is very little sperm in the UK! I had to really push my clinic to let me have details of the sperm they had - only five options, only 2 the same ethnicity (I'm white), and only one was allowed to create more than one child. So, basically, one, and that didn't appeal at all. I know the press goes on about Denmark and the "little Viking invasion", but most sperm these days comes from California. It is about £1,200 (although that's enough for about a million babies!), and you can pick everything - search by star sign or shoe size if you want!

I've no regrets at all. Just one thing though when you talk about money - the big thing is childcare and not your mortgage. Check out the options near you, and even think of moving for this reason alone.

Good luck.