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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

Anxious and worry in regards to workplace

15 replies

Worryingtryer · 03/07/2022 23:29

So we as a couple have recently moved to trying to conceive using a sperm donor now. However this is not something I am openly talking about with my workplace or colleagues ( after all is it actually any of their business). I'm very excited and we are going forward with natural cycle insemination in Aug, but I'm finding myself still excitedly awaiting this but also plagued with such anxiety and worries over the prospect of it happening and then how to cross the bridge of informing my workplace. They are aware that my partner has a very small chance and by very I mean less then 1% chance of conceiving naturally. The place I work at is a small group of employees like 12 of us we work in a nursery and 1 of the members of staff leave on maternity end of September another who is due Jan so will leave December time. I have heard comments been made about don't you dare get pregnant cause we can't afford to have more staff off on maternity and how they make remarks about me still living at home (I'm 28) but have a stable partner who lives with me here of ( 12 years may i add ). We moved back to my family home to save some money and work on enjoying our lives without the stress of bills. Granted we have found some debt still but have worked out a plan to rid ourselves of all the debt in a 6/7 month time frame and still have cash to spare. So I guess my question is how can I still continue been excited but stop stressing others opinions. Am I wrong to be putting myself and our wants first with the timing lining up for where we are at currently in our lives and relationship after all im getting no younger the clock is ticking away

OP posts:
Dbop100 · 04/07/2022 20:11

Hi @Worryingtryer I have been worrying about a similar situation. I'm starting a new job in August and our next step is donor eggs, we could in theory do a transfer next month as we have the eggs frozen and ready to go but I'm worried about starting a new job and immediately being pregnant. I plan to wait until I've been there at least 4-5 months before we move forward. It'll be a bit awkward but I've been trying for 3 years and can't put my life on hold any longer.

How long have you been at your job and how long have you been trying? It's so much easier said than done but you deserve to have a baby as much as anyone else, honestly if they know about your parters issues they should be happy for you if you do get pregnant, I think you should put yourself first. Good luck!!

Original poster
Worryingtryer · 04/07/2022 20:31

@Dbop100 it's such a hard situation especially when you have already been going through stress and anxieties with hospitals ,tests, failed attempts and nevermind seeing everyone else around you falling pregnant so easy and quickly. With me working in a nursery too I'm forever surrounded by little people. Don't get me wrong it's so rewarding but each day becomes harder then the last.

Iv been at my job for around 3 years and I have been under the care of fertility experts for approx 6 years. I have experienced trying to convince naturally for 2 years prior to the experts involvement but I tell you what my life became so much more hectic when undergoing fertility treatments. Toughest experience of my life a total of 5 rounds icsi failed but we took some time regrouped and are now embarking on donor sperm insemination.

It could be a wise choice waiting slightly but then the timing needs to fall right for you and I don't know what sector you work within but sometimes just maybe going for it is the best choice. I know for me right now with the 6 weeks holidays coming up im not going to have the stresses of work life or needing to care for 20 odd 2 years each and everyday. I hope this will help with my implanting as I will be at ease and relaxed ( I hope) and we are planning some holidays so that will take my mind off the dreaded TWW

OP posts:
Dbop100 · 04/07/2022 20:44

Sounds like you've waited long enough you should go for it and try your best not to care what will say, you deserve this! Really hope it works for you.

I'm also mainly waiting so I'll have been there 12 months before I go on mat leave so I qualify for some mat pay, it's mainly a financial decision but so hard to hold off! X

HSKAT · 04/07/2022 21:12

100% put yourself first.
If a friend came to you with this, what would you say? Do it?

You have a chance here for your very happy ending, forget work. They will have to deal and sort like every other employer does.

Wishing you lots of luck

Original poster
Worryingtryer · 04/07/2022 21:40

@Dbop100 it has been a long time coming. I'm sure everything will work out as should be. I just need to be stronger. I worry too much about others thoughts.

@HSKAT your right I would tell anybody to just go for it. So I need to think of it that way. I'm sure they will deal and if they can't then I guess it's just a job 🤷

OP posts:
TheVillageElder · 05/07/2022 06:04

Worryingtryer · 03/07/2022 23:29

So we as a couple have recently moved to trying to conceive using a sperm donor now. However this is not something I am openly talking about with my workplace or colleagues ( after all is it actually any of their business). I'm very excited and we are going forward with natural cycle insemination in Aug, but I'm finding myself still excitedly awaiting this but also plagued with such anxiety and worries over the prospect of it happening and then how to cross the bridge of informing my workplace. They are aware that my partner has a very small chance and by very I mean less then 1% chance of conceiving naturally. The place I work at is a small group of employees like 12 of us we work in a nursery and 1 of the members of staff leave on maternity end of September another who is due Jan so will leave December time. I have heard comments been made about don't you dare get pregnant cause we can't afford to have more staff off on maternity and how they make remarks about me still living at home (I'm 28) but have a stable partner who lives with me here of ( 12 years may i add ). We moved back to my family home to save some money and work on enjoying our lives without the stress of bills. Granted we have found some debt still but have worked out a plan to rid ourselves of all the debt in a 6/7 month time frame and still have cash to spare. So I guess my question is how can I still continue been excited but stop stressing others opinions. Am I wrong to be putting myself and our wants first with the timing lining up for where we are at currently in our lives and relationship after all im getting no younger the clock is ticking away

Are you using a sperm bank? Or a known donor?
. If latter, I presume that you're aware these are not legally viewed as a donor and as the father if they at anytime in the next 18 years decide to opt for parental responsibility and contact, in the same way that you can claim child maintenance regardless of any informal agreements made?

Re living with your parents, are you intending to both live together? Are your parents happy for a baby as well? Is there the space? (For little people they seen to take up a lot of space!)

Original poster
Worryingtryer · 05/07/2022 07:45

TheVillageElder · 05/07/2022 06:04

Are you using a sperm bank? Or a known donor?
. If latter, I presume that you're aware these are not legally viewed as a donor and as the father if they at anytime in the next 18 years decide to opt for parental responsibility and contact, in the same way that you can claim child maintenance regardless of any informal agreements made?

Re living with your parents, are you intending to both live together? Are your parents happy for a baby as well? Is there the space? (For little people they seen to take up a lot of space!)

Show quote history

Hi @TheVillageElder it is sperm bank donation with natural cycle.

In terms of us living together, yes we already do live together and as of currently we do have space in my parents for a little person but we plan to have our own place when the time comes. For example if it all works out we would continue to live there in the shorter term but be moved out before the baby would be born. So even at worst case we would still have suitable housing but would rather have our own space which we would be looking to secure in the near future.

OP posts:
TheVillageElder · 05/07/2022 20:41

@Worryingtryer good luck.

want2bemum · 12/08/2022 08:30

Hi OP, I just saw this thread and wonder how it's all going for you?

We are in a similar boat and I'm a little worried about the discussions with work too. We've had a few ICSI cycles due to male factor which didn't work (which my work knew about), we are now moving forward with a sperm donor natural cycle hopefully in September.

If I get pregnant, I feel my colleagues will probably ask how etc. and as we are being open with everyone including child, I will have to tell them it was donor sperm (or lie), even though it's not really their business.

It's really difficult. I hope it's all going OK for you this month x

want2bemum · 12/08/2022 08:32

Also as for your worries about the 'don't you dare get pregnant' comments - don't give those a second thought. You would be absolutely mad to change your life plans for the sake of your job. They will just have to deal with it and they would absolutely do the same, so don't feel guilty about that. Work is work, this is your life.

mommynette · 15/08/2022 00:36

I remember my former colleague who was pregnant whilst working in the hospital, she was always in a mood at how everyone was treating her, boss and colleagues made her work life so difficult that I saw her go online at work and look for vacancies for another job. Now that I have been through the whole pregnancy thing, I totally feel sorry for her for what happened there.

Original poster
Worryingtryer · 10/09/2022 22:50

Hi guys I know iv been absent from my own post as of recently. I just want to say iv actually came to terms recently with the view of fuck everyone else this is going to be mine and my partner future anyone else can actually just do one if they don't like it I don't care. It has took me a lot to get to this place and I'm thankful for my partner and the wise words that have come from some people through these forums. Without those words that built into a fire inside me, I may of just back out of going for a natural cycle donor insemination.

So to provide further updates I had actually put off the natural cycle until this month and today was the day. I have officially had my first insemination of donor sperm and am hopeful for the future it may bring. I am also however very realistic that it may not work but that is the problem to face in 2 weeks time. 😅

I'm prepared for failure but hopeful for success and right now my mind is focused on the success side. I feel everything has lined up so well for this and that dates fell perfectly. Now just to focus on myself, my body and been mellow 😌. Which I may add may be a slight struggle but after the week I have had this week. I need the relax and I'm going to focus on been more positive.

If anybody has any suggestions to help me out please do fire away suggestions.

OP posts:
Greenlee · 15/09/2022 23:00

I like your new attitude a whole lot more than the one you had when you worried about your workmates. They're not your besties, they're just colleagues, and their problems covering your maternity leave are NOT your problem.

As for what you tell them, try this: We had an appointment with a specialist and a list of homework to improve DH's chances! (huge grin) (change of subject)

And that's it. If you have been successful this time just accept the congratulations once you announce it. Whose sperm made it is none of your colleagues' business and not something you have to disclose. If they ask, just say, it's such a miracle, we've been so lucky, and DH is over the moon! (huge grin) (discussion of the cute onesie you had to buy because you couldn't resist)

In ten years' time you are not going to care about your old colleagues' opinions on where you lived or covering your leave. Well done you on embracing your own life. I hope you get good news in two weeks!

Tryingat47 · 30/11/2022 09:17

Never put your life on hold, it’s just work after all.

LAURAPAX · 30/07/2023 12:14

would love to hear how you got on OP? Hope all is well x

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